went to a VHS swap today and bought some very silly stuff
went to a VHS swap today and bought some very silly stuff
THIS SUNDAY IN TORONTO
Cyberzone 1995 aka Droid Gunner
Marc Singer plays a scumbag semi drunken bounty hunter in a gross run down and dirty future. Like a really shitty Blade Runner with some extra scummy. I figure this is a choice role for him as Marc Singer is just a smidge better Jan Michael Vincent. Watch Extra 2 and Watchers 2 back to back and tell me he is not a just a little bit better version of the same guy at least at that time in their lives. However Singer is pretty fit in this movie for a bloated action star kinda role. As he does a shirtless scene were he pulls a bullet out of his own chest while drinking whiskey and using pliers. For a movie that is a slite Blade Runner rip off you would think that was to eliud to him being a robot but I think it is just a weird scene.
The plot is basically this… In the future after androids started to rebel they became illegal and black market for big company tyrants to fight over. A rich man from the “safe part of the new world” has lost his four sex robots that he loves so much and has hired a private investigator / mercenary / tracker (Marc Singer) to find his delux model sex bots and bring them back.
They were stolen by creepy kung fu adonis Matthias Hues (from They Come in Peace and Immortal Combat) and then sold to a crime boss / military goon in New Angeles (it’s the future ooowww) .
Singer is teamed up with a “company woman” that understands robots incase they go dangerous mode. They learn to relate as one is from the fine rich world and the other from the streets.. you know blah blah blah character stuff. The company woman Beth played by Olde Ray and Pm Entertainment filler woman Rochelle Swanson starts off annoying as “the rich woman who doesn’t understand how the real world works” but she drops that gimmick pretty quick. She accepts kicking butt and lets down her hair super quick so becomes much more enjoyable than you would first expect.
Generic in many ways but the cast of random Fred Olen Ray friends of the 90s cameos keeps this movie rolling. Mutant strippers with one played by Brinke Stevens looking better then she has almost ever look (maybe I have a mutant elf / cat girl stripper fetish, I don’t know). Other cameos as Robert Quarry as an intergalactic pimp scum lord. Also a small cameo by Peter Spellos (Hard to Die and Sorority House Massacre 2) shows up and if you are a fan of the movies I talk about it is great to see him show up.
Also this is the oddest role for Matthias Hues as he has come comedic moments. Normally he is a stone cold creepy killer / robot and or demon. Here he is an almost likely rogue kind of pirate dare I say jacked Han Solo kind of character. Stealing sex bots and selling them to a extra evil crime lord. He betrays the crime lord and helps Singer get the sex bots back and save others in the process. I figured he was the main villain but he actually teams up with Singer in a mix match anti hero kind of team. This comes off legit silly but instead of ruining the film, makes a generic 90s low budget sci fi kind of entertaining. If it was in any better a movie it would have been just dumb. But this movie is dumb so it’s ok. He was probably agreed to be paid less as long as the sex bots got to grope him a lot. They definitely did, even when he dresses them up like nuns and says he can’t sample the merchandise .. yeah that is a scene played humorously straight if you can believe it.
Stolen footage from other films for the outer space scenes (if you have watched as much of these type of flicks you will notice it right away and that is typical Fred Olen Ray). Add that to some played straight yet funny cynical dialogue and a near unending amount of 90s plastic boobies and you have yourself a dirty low budget sci fi for any party. This is streamable on tubi tv and shoutfactorytv but I just picked up a vhs copy of it for a laugh at a second hand store. When I was in line to pay for it a guy in front of me had Beastmaster 2 on vhs. I thought to myself “Marc Singer vs Wings Hauser , oh this guys wins this time”. That guy may have got the better film but this is still a fun little crap movie. I will probably give it away as a boobie prize though at my next screening event. There are plenty of boobs after all. But damn now I wanna watch Beastmaster 2.. damn. But if you get a chance check it out on the streaming services cause hey it’s free. The vhs tape is sweet though as it has trailers for 90s flicks I didn’t know of including a trailer for itself which is odd but part of why vhs tapes are still fun to weirdos like me.
TERRIBLE TWO DAY FEST TORONTO IS ALMOST HERE
MARCH 29th and 30th from 6 till 11:30pm each day. VHS swap meet Saturday 3 till 6.
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I was working at the video store from 3 till 11 and I got a little bored during the actually rare quiet moment
As part of the Terrible Two Day Fest at Eyesore Cinema in Toronto on Saturday March 30th we get 3 hours of while no rules no holds barred tape swapping and b movie merch swapping… sell… or swap.. just show up and put your stuff on the table space we provide. First come first serve… go weird… go wild..
Ok Roger Corman make a spin off from your slightly adult comedy but make it for kids. Basic story of a little kid called Gage is new in town and he feels alone and out of place and heavily bullied by kids and teachers, soooo luuuuckily he finds a magical little monster that grants his wishes some with monkeys paw style problem attached. Yooou know the story.
Loni Anderson is the kids mom looking really out of place. Dom Deluise voices Munchie the magical monster. So really you can get Loni and Dom but you can’t get Burt Reynolds to play the jerk with the mustache? What a missed opportunity. The kid crushes on the bullies girlfriend who is played by Jennifer Love Hewitt which I had to look up to be sure it was even her. The end credits just call her Love Hewitt. OH yeah and Angus Scrimm of Phantasm had a cameo as a funeral director … of course he was.. niiiice.
Munchie is supposed to be a threat as they allude to him being dangerous. However other then getting some kids in trouble a little bit but all he really wants is twinkies, ding dongs and pizza. Ha ha I said Ding dongs… thats the kind humor we are dealing with here. There is a fair bit of time where the kid deals with mean teachers and bullies and no one believed him which gives some stress cause it reminds me of my childhood. Munchie is right, School sucks.
I also feel they do not deal with Munchies so called eating problem enough and or maybe drug habit that gives these so called munchies and bugged eyes. I think maybe he just needs help damnit.
Anyways the Munchie monster teaches him to stand up for himself and how to party with a few fart and pee jokes along the way. I mean that’s what you get when Jim Wynorski writes and directs a kids movie (something I feel is kind of inappropriate)
He just wants to eat and look at those fucking eyes. Kids find a magically pot head that grants wishes and teaches you self esteem. Wonderful.
The Munchie doll is much more acceptable and cuter than Gnorm the Gnome but the hilarious inability to move it’s mouth along with Dom Deluise’s fast talking. Which does lead you to laugh AT Munchie more than WITH him. Puppets with teeth just can not win, Gorm the gnomes mouth is freaky ass too real and Munchie is hilariously stupid cheap. No winning for puppets with teeth folks.
Super dumbed down humor that feels like Nickelodeon remade Rock n roll high school with a terrible puppet and the most blah kid in the main roll. The kid has one of those faces that you want to pinch if you were a grand mother or just slap if you were pretty much anyone else.
There is a sequel to this semi sequel called Munchie Strikes Back! I guess I better try it soon. (pops another pill and orders another pizza)
Actually did you ever see that kids movie Big Fat Liar starring Frankie Muniz? The humor is really similar to that except you replace Frankie Muniz with a weird little monster… oh wait so it actually is the same after all.
I am honored to have this piece of crapola tape in my collection after a friend gifted it to me with shock that I did not already own it. I love how the price tag has the words PU written on it as well. Very true.
Ok ok the original Munchies isn’t that funny either so I have no idea what I am going on about.
I am totally eating more pizza now.
Mark of Dracula (1997)
Blame Robert Hoffman for this one… but I fuckin loved it.
Shot on Video shit gold. Recorded over the vhs camera microphone for wonderful bad sound and bad lighting… terrible overlay effects and lots of shots fading from one to the same frame to show Dracula fading away. GOLD!!
Director Ron Ford (not to be mistaken with ex Toronto crack mayor Rob Ford) is a director I honestly was not that aware of even that he made a shit ton of shit films in the late 90s vhs sov shit list. Ron is what makes this movie special as he is also one of the stars as Sheriff Cobb the fat but action packed good old boy that wants to save the day no matter how much of a lard ass he is.
I think Hoffman wanted me to see this cause Sheriff Cobb is very similar to Sherriff Goodman of the PSI movies.
Regardless Sheriff Cobb is fucking funny with lines like “Don’t move kitty cat” as he fires his gun while he simply enters the room.
The plot on IMDB is funny on its own that just says “Dracula is mean to a small town” and basically that is it as one of his lost vampire brides has resurrected him in a small town and he is not that happy about it so he sets up a plan with a local scientist to amass power.
A group of quirky teens get mixed up in Dracula’s plans as the ever hilarious sheriff comes and goes from the movie to make it more funny when it starts to lag.
The other worthwhile characters are Mortermor Poe the flamboyant town Mortician and Dracula himself who looks like Fred Olen Ray crossed with Andrew Dice Clay.
Scenes of epic bad movie gold to look out for in this order.
Drunk man falls over after saying “bitch dont know drunk” and performs the worst best/worse prat fall.
Sheriff throws a man out a window (seriously you need to see it)
Woman breaks her ankle on a cliff to a oscar performance of over acting agony.
Sheriff blows up a car with one bullet to epic special effects
Dracula hates his bride for resurrecting him and throws her down a hill in a scene that looks like a benny hill gag as the scientist types in the most violent typing ever.
Seriously describing these scenes does nothing.. you have to find it and see it.
So I am going to find a way to screen this blurry shot on video trash to at least a few people soon.
I noticed Ron Ford Directed 2 out of the 3 Alien Agenda movies and oddly I have only seen the one he did not direct. SO I guess I have a fresh list of cheese to watch now…. I think I may be in trouble cause I like this bullshit waaayyy too much.
May help if your eyes were as red as Dracula… if you catch my drift.