Category: the end

Final fart of the night is ASSAULT OF THE SASQUATCH made in 2009 which is the solo director title for Andrew Gerhard who produced other weird monster movies and now seems to produce tax right off Christmas movies.  

This movie looks sweet in trailer form but it is pretty misleading. Trying so hard to be slick and rock video like with its novel editing and green and blue flood lights in every scene (mainly to distract you for how bad the effects are). Some pretty non actors trying sooooo hard to over emote everything. Fuck these color washes are so annoying why do “hip” horror films try this so much lately? Oh shit a flashback so its washed even more .. damn it…. Oh no the flash back involves a serious emotional back story to show how serious the ranger slash hero of this movie is… boring. 

But I can tell you that it’s a Sasquatch movie that has a legit sasquatch and they dont hide him. He looks like Beastman from Masters of the Universe. The Sasquatch is like a legit villain instead of an animal. He even wears the bones of victims on a necklace. The rest of the cast is trying sooooo hard to be hip and witty with little tough guy monologues or sarcastic but not funny dialogue.  Everyone is trying to e weird and edgey to make it a black comedy but I think I laughed at like two scenes max.

To give an example.. There is a young couple that has a conversation like this… 

Girlfriend: You are such a dick. 

Boyfriend : Um I prefer to be called a penis thank you very much.

Then girlfriend phone rings in the fakest ring you ever heard.

Then there is a eyepatched poacher mean old man , the ranger and his daughter who argue about their relationship in the middle of everything. And a secretary that likes to tell everyone she is a badass and not phased by this but isn’t used enough.

The only really funny scene is the two nerds who try to film Sasquatch as the monster sneaks in a woman’s window as she is getting undressed. It’s funny because one of the nerds is hilarious over acting Shawn C Phillips back in his fat days as hilarious as he is in such films as Ghost Shark and Zombie Babies. 


Anyways the Ranger ends up at the local police station and everyone gets stuck in there with a mad killer which feels way too serious for this movie. Once the Sasquatch starts to “Assault on the police precinct” (see what they did there) a mix mash cash of characters have to try to stay alive in the building as basically a creature crossed between Gorilla Grodd, Beastman and Hacksaw Jim Duggan is out to get them.  Trying way too hard to be cool and having no idea what it wants to be ending up nowhere near as smart as it thinks it is. Sadly. Looks like Wolfcop trying to be less rude. The Sasquatch has one funny habit and it starts when he realises how well he can throw things at people.. not sure if it was supposed to be funny or not.