Category: sci fi

Spaceship Terror (2011)

First time self funded film maker Harry Tchinski started filming Spaceship Terror in 2011. It looks as if it fell behind due to wanting better computer graphics , started new ideas but finally got it released on his own.  A next to no budget movie with mainly home made graphics green screened into making first or very little experience actors appear like they are in spaceship. Usually this would scream beware buuuuut it kiiiiiinda pulls it off. 

Plot is basically six women trapped in a large clunky spaceship while being hunted by a large freak man that wants to do naaaasty things to them.  Basically Saw and Hostel mixed with Deadspace.  Again not a concept that grabs but I was still intrigued.

Some of the out special effects border on Polinia bros bad, which great to me.. nooooot so much for normal people. But as notably cheap the interiors are you gotta give em credit they did a pretty good job. Its near impossible to make it look like you are in a spaceship with no budget. The amount of “cosplayers make their own sci fi movies” that have spaceships with concrete and plaster walls or just look like a empty storage unit. It’s not easy, I get it so a kudos to them on what they pulled off. 

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The women crash on a planet (for reasons I completely forget) but when a larger mystery ship comes by with its shipping door open that says terror on it, the girls decide to get inside. So again literally a screaming beware as well but they go right in anyways  just like I did with this movie. 

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Inside they meet a captive girl called Chris who has lost her mind and is the only survivor of Captain Terrors evil games. Chris is not a very good actress but you don’t mind cause she is supposed to be insane and she is kinda cute, even with what looks like a bullet hole in here forehead.  But she knows how to sell a torture scene and there sure are alot of them. Fetish levels of torture that makes this cheesy movie you will laugh at at first starts to twist you and literally shock you in its pervy sleazy exploitation tactics. The evil Captain Terror who looks as silly as his name is a legit sicko and pretty fucked up. Imagine the fat rashy guy from Dune crossed with Jason Voorhees. Terror tells the girls he “wants to play a game” and starts trapping the girls and practicing surgery on them for kicks and quiet getting off on it.  The surgery scenes looks great … in a manner of speech, with great makeup effects, only to be weakened by the occasional cgi add ins. But most of the cgi kills are cartoony like a harpoon gun that feels right out of Suburban Sasquatch and a wall that lets out buzzsaws to chop a girls legs off.. spoilers I guess.. but come on thats just fun… right?

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The ship gets too hot so the girls get all sweaty and just happen to be only wearing white aaand happen to find time to take showers… you know naturally of course. The girls crazed screening and poor logic may get annoying and make you ask them out loud to shut up once in awhile but thats well before the torture has kicked in to high gear and Captain Terror puts his spear launching hand into action.

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So this cheapo DIY space horror movie does boldly, very boldly go where no one has gone before… into a sleazy space gutter. So sci fi nerds will harp on it but sleazy horror weirdos that love bad movies miiiight just have a great time.. ya sickos. 

Sci-Fighters (1996) in some smaller releases known as Contagion 2009

A healthy looking Roddy Piper with a haircut that makes him look like Richard Dead Anderson is a cop walking off the beaten path who has to run down an old enemy that he thought was dead. 

I watched this today because the villain is the recently passed Billy Drago who plays insane killer and mysterious disease career Adrian Dunn. Adrian died in prison on the moon but when an alien virus reanimated him he ended up wandering around Earth infecting people while on a day trip of raping and killing. What makes things worse is Roddy Piper was the cop that put him away when Dunn killed his wife. So obviously Roddy Piper wants a shot at him again. What also makes things worse is the smoggy Earth in the future of 2009 is in a full year of darkness due to volcanoes and pollution. So when a dying melting virus fueled man is walking around no one could tell the difference anyways cause no one looks all that healthy.  This movie is almost Split Second meets the Incredible Melting Man. Shot as good and polish in an ugly future like Split Second but with as illogical a threat and dumb a concept as the Incredible Melting man.

Dr Kirbie Younger is trying to figure out a cure for the disease that has hit the streets when she gets mixed up with Roddy Pipers manhunt. Now this all seems to pretty regular small action sci fi film fodder , if you take in to context that this is future 2009 in Boston but is obviously filmed in Canada. As the movie goes on though you seem to think this sick old melty man could easily be taken out and maybe Roddy Piper’s character is just a little over dramatic. We get many excuses for Dr Kirbie to unbutton her shirt and show her sweaty cleavage. Not that I have a problem with that but the cheap reasons to make it “pop out” seem very forced and almost funny in a movie that is not that badly shot and run with decent dialog for such a cheesy concept.  I also need to point out a pointless piece of trivia, the actress that plays Dr Kirbie is Jayne Heitmeyer she was in two episodes of Degrassi as a character called Toni Stark… just felt the need to share that.

Look at this artsy shot of the doctor talking to Piper as Piper is reflected on a plastic sheet around the sick patients/victims of Billy Drago.

Billy Drago always looked a little melting but impressively they make him look worse.

In the end when Drago and Piper final face out it takes place in an unfinished building that feels reminiscent to the end of Runaway (the Tom Selleck robot movie). Piper suits up with heavy weaponry that seems really unnecessary. You feel like Dr Kirbie could have taken Drago out herself but they needed the two guys stand off. While Sicky skeleton face Drago is shouting out the more sickly he gets the more he sounds like Tommy Wiseau. So seriously just imagine drunk Tommy Wiseau fighting Roddy Piper with a Richard Dean Anderson hair cut on scaffolding. Do you have the time to get through every thing in the middle of this movie? That is up to you. I will say the opening scene does start with two convicts in a buzzsaw fight but that is just the beginning.. that its a lot of Billy Dragon drooling and puking. So will you survive the middle of this movie? Again thats up to you.  A few months ago I reviewed CyberZone and if you liked that you will like this. 

RIP Piper and Drago but you know what they say gold polish on a turd is a still a turd…. or something like that.

I was working at the video store from 3 till 11 and I got a little bored during the actually rare quiet moment

As part of the Terrible Two Day Fest at Eyesore Cinema in Toronto on Saturday March 30th we get 3 hours of while no rules no holds barred tape swapping and b movie merch swapping… sell… or swap.. just show up and put your stuff on the table space we provide. First come first serve… go weird… go wild.. 

gameraboy1:

Battle Beyond the Stars (1980)

This was just added to the streaming services at Shoutfactorytv.com and wow is it a stinker but it has an amazing list of has been cameo actors each with their own little side stories and worlds. The Battle for the Stars should be referencing that all the cast were stars in some shape or form even if none of them were major stars. The main point of the story is just another Corman star wars ripp off but instead of hiring han solo it’s a whole movie about hiring random mercenaries which is more about that search than the battle itself. Like Star Wars meets Suicide Squad.

 These Star Wars ripp offs that Corman made would be so much more acceptable if they didn’t all use the same theme song. Great song but Sorceress, Space Raiders and a few more use this same damn song which comes off seeming so silly.  The random pre used alien costumes are laughable as well. Mixing character designs from the era of Hercules 2 and Star Crash mixed with Shape of things to come and Airplane 2 .. seriously it’s that mixed up. Made in 1980 with some characters looking as cheap as the original Star Trek (check out George Peppard as a space cowboy)

When the crew of mercenaries finally form all looking and feeling like they come from separate comic book series. It does feel like a wild marvel cross over in space. Which sounds better than it really is. Then the battle happens and well yeah its pretty much like every other grindhouse sci fi then. 

Sit back and watch into deep space with John Boy Walton is the fake Luke Skywalker that has to grow up fast and lead a bunch of anti heros to save his planet from being destroyed by the evil alien John Saxon.

 I am shocked it took me this long to see this movie even that it isn’t that special it is a must for 80s schlock completists.

Terrordactyle (2016)

A simple and stupid sci fi tv network released cgi monster movie comedy.  In the vein of Lavalantula and every MEga Shark movie we get Pterodactyls from space.  This stands out cause the characters are much better (still all losers but) than the plastic Megashark and whatever monster vs whatever monsters of late. Also not as obnoxious as the Lavalantula and Sharknados guys. Two dumb dudes find a meteorite which ends but being an egg along with the invading flock of near a 1000 more pterodactyls from space. They are joined by a bar waitress that just happens to be a weapons expert and very educated in meteorites. She didn’t need to be that smart cause the two main dudes are so dumb you did not have to impress us to show us she is way smarter then them. Also joined by a creepy old drunk marine that happens to have a lot of weapons thus somehow making this motley crew a better then to the invading monsters then the police and local military were.  This movie is close to Big Ass Spider just not AS funny. Yet not as awful as the million of asylum type movies that are exactly like this. Decent actors (for this kind of schlock crap movie) and shockingly decent cgi and practical monsters (practical when the monsters are dead so they don’t have to move) Great monster jumbo sized climax that also puts it up there with Big Ass Spider or the great uncle of these flicks 8 Legged Freaks.. just with giant and sometimes extra giant flying dino birds.

Dark Breed made in 1996 for PM Entertainment, directed by Richard Pepin (the guy who made almost all the PM Entertainment films) Huge explosion and overly intense action with little consequences.  Staring the always hilariously out of place Jack Scalia and a side character of Lance Legault playing a military big whig which he does in every single role he ever played and Buck Flower playing a hobo again like he does in every role he is in too. Jack Scalia is an ex astronaut now military cop that goes after a bunch of run away astronauts that he knew from his past. Thing is the night the astronauts crashed back on earth everyone finds they are possessed by aliens making them unstoppable killing machines. Its up to the overly intense and amazingly action cliched Jack Sacalia to hunt them down and find out what there evil plot is. Like all PM flicks it starts with a huge highway chase that ends in a huge explosion and many flip cop cars. Then stalls out for a while in character having cliche flash backs to hint towards their troubled lives. The runaway astronauts get themselves in trouble as the evil aliens inside them make them go around ripping everyone’s heads off. Early on you know what you are getting in when Jack Scalia shoots at one of the runaway astronauts with a bazooka playing up their van. It takes a few seconds but you realise that was before Jacks character (Nick) knew they were evil aliens. You stop and think “wait a minute he was just shooting a regular guy with that bazooka for no reason at all”.  Awkward editing and storytelling in amazing alien in an urban setting action flick. The pacing and music ques lets you know this movie thought it was equal to Predator 2 but if it got really drunk before getting going. I did enjoy it though as it’s basically just a much more chaotic take on the HIDDEN ..again not as good as the Hidden but would have made a better sequel then Hidden 2 was. 

As brain damaged as this movie is, after years of using the trailer for this movie in mash up clips I am glad I finally sat down and watch it all. Alien movie go boom boom… dumb dumb movie me likey. lol

Riots BAD MOVIES AND BOOZE E BOOK:

Ok folks here it is … the beta of my second book on bad movies. Now for you to download and own for only 3 dollar canadian.. the cheap dollars. 

https://payhip.com/b/VrPs

If it has any popularity I will take the movie raised on it to self publish physical copies of it. Anyone who gets the e book will get 3 dollars off the physical copy.  You get an E pub format and a regular rich text file of the book for your ease in reading. Its 69 pages of reviews of the worst , weirdest , cheapest and nastiest movies around  . Many quick lists as well as many double features recommended with a mixed drink of choice , chosen by bartenders and filmmakers who enjoy the b movie genre. So open your mind to the world of weird and pour a glass to make it all go down a little easier in Riots Realm of ridiculously bad movies. Enjoy!

The physical release will be longer with more pictures , some extra guest reviews and a few more double feature sections. But like I said you will get your 3 bucks back if you buy that one later 🙂

wwymt:

Time, Delta and Skylar talk about Pirates, Anti-Titanic, Fruit Merchandising, French France Florida, Sneaky Godzilla, Women and Children first, Why Is He Called Animal?, Reverse Infomercial, Who’s The Real Monster? in this Long and Boring Action movie.

wwymt:

Time, Delta and Skylar talk about Pirates, Anti-Titanic, Fruit Merchandising, French France Florida, Sneaky Godzilla, Women and Children first, Why Is He Called Animal?, Reverse Infomercial, Who’s The Real Monster? in this Long and Boring Action movie.