Gobble, Gobble Mother F**kers. It’s Thanksgiving time again, a time of food, fellowship, and being thankful for the things that are special to us. Friends, Family, iPads….and Thankskilling! We believe the finest bad movies are the ones that start with good intentions, artistic passion, a misguided vision, green goblin food…and sometimes murderous necromanced turkeys.
Tonight we’re joined by a special guest, Katy Ahmadi. A Close friend, horror fan, and all around awesome person. Welcome Katy! Thankskilling has it all, a preposterous premise, mind boggling acting, characters you immediately hate and want dead, some great moments… you’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll hate yourself, you’ll love yourself. So join the three of us as we share a few of our favorite awesomely bad Thankskilling moments..let’s bake this bird!
Over 500 years ago an Indian chief who hated white people necromanced a Turkey to murder us light folks. The turkey comes back to kill every 505 years and guess what tonight is? Our main characters, 5 college students, are headed back home for Thanksgiving when their road trip is “carved” short by, you guessed it, a murderous, foul mouthed turkey! Will they ever get home? Who’s going to get stuffed? How many teenagers will the turkey kill before he’s finally laid to “breast” ? By the way, in this post we will be using as many Thanksgiving puns as we possibly can.
From the Turkey’s first line, “Nice Tits, Bitch!” we know we are in for quite the classy affair.
Nick: I immediately, from the first scene want them all to die horrible deaths. They are all just the worst, most awful people to possibly ever grace the silver screen. This group really needs a stoner for balance, where’s the stoner?
Mary: Only in the movies would all of these people actually be friends. I would have to agree with Nick and say that I could give two giblets about these kids. Kill them now please.
Katy: Oh gosh where do I begin…… how about a cast that not only screams “ I need acting lessons!” but the cherry on my pumpkin pie is…. a lack of better words…..Freakin Fugly…
Sick of her husband’s refusal to remove his fake moustache (we can only guess), the sheriff’s wife decides to take a big ol’ lady deuce in the coffee pot. Best way to break up with your husband, like ever. Classic. We love how his “uniform” is a shirt he got in the big & tall section of Marshalls with a badge stuck to it, although it definitely fits with the ‘stash.
Katy: Ok i certainly am not a glamour girl but the lack of budget in the hair and make up department does not by any means makes it acceptable to hire a 3 year old to be in charge of using crayons to cover this girls imperfections ( I am personally filing a complaint with the US child Labor department). Everything from the Blue smeared eye shadow to the special effects of blisters on her face was just to much to bear!
Oh im so sorry, those “blisters” were actually discovered to be the natural state of her skin.
In other words:
After killing a local hermit’s dog, Turkie (pronounced Turkey) soon finds poor Kristen searching for cell service in the woods.
Dammit Turkie! Why couldn’t you just finish the job? The teens escape Turkie’s wrath, but are left with fond memories…
He just looks like he smells, doesn’t he? The average land speed of a Turkey is no match for the mighty Jeep Wranger, forcing our villain to try to flag down a ride.
Creepiest guy ever. You have to be a special kind of lonely to try to slip it to a turkey.
Nearby, Johnny visits his broken home. His father really wants him to be a starting quarterback, so much so that he has stopped talking to Johnny since he got dropped to second string. What is this One Tree Hill? Before they have a chance to reconcile, Turkie takes out Johnny’s old man, which makes Johnny very, very sad.
No more pumpkin pie! No more cranberry sauce! Johnny’s amazing “post dad death” monologue is brimming with emotion and feelings.
Sweet! Seeing a woman get raped by a Turkey… totally crossing THAT off our bucket list!
Let this movie be a lesson to all men, if you find an extra small gravy flavored condom your lady may be getting stuffed by some poultry.
Katy: This movie is not only awesomely bad, but good old american values about family, holidays and it even goes as far as sending positive messages about safe safe sex! My favorite scene in particular is when the villain of the film; evil turkey, rapes the ever so helpless character Ali (Natasha Cordova) who’s legs are “Harder to shut then the JonBenét Ramsey case” But our so called Evil turkey is so responsible that he even uses a gravy flavored condom before uttering the heroic lines “you’ve been stuffed bitch”. Im getting emotional just think thinking about it….
Nick: mmm stove top
Fellow Thankskilling fans, what’s up with everyone knocking on their own doors? Don’t these “kids” live there?
Meanwhile, Turkie heads over to visit our favorite fake moustache.
As it turns out, the single life is not so kind to our favorite character, the Sheriff. First a coffee pot full of poo, now Turkie decides to rudely carve his face off. Major bummer.
DISCLAIMER: The following is actually Turkie in disguise. We could see falling for a human skin mask of this quality, but Kristen…your dad is way taller than this, get in the game.
The kids are determined more than ever to learn how to kill the evil turkey that torments them. So determined that they have a sweet learning montage and read every book in the sheriff’s garage to learn Turkie’s weakness.
Katy: Johnny (Lance Predmore) totally bares a striking resemblance to Jersey Shore’s Mike the situation; both in the looks department and also in the lack of brains department.
Found it! It was right under this Nancy Drew mystery! It’s important to note that the kids have yet to discover Turkie’s disguise, In Kristen’s mind she still has a father. Aww, cherish these moments.
Billy, clearly starving, desides to venture out in search of what we can only assume will be some sort of vegan eatery with a large salad selection. Except instead of a salad, Billy hallucinates and accidently eats Turkie whole!
Right up there with the finest of movie catch phrases.
Billy’s live best friend doesn’t take it so well, wait…they were best friends?
With a renewed vengeance, the kids seek out Turkie and find him in his TeePee tossing up a mean salad. Using the power of books they remove his powers of invulnerability and with the help of the hermit from the beginning of the movie (he shows up) are finally able to kill Turkie for good. Or so they think. As the camera pans away, we learn Turkie was placed in a trash bin filled with…. RADIOACTIVE CHEMICALS.
The gang heads back to Kristen’s house, you know the one that still has her dad’s rotting corpse in it, to watch a swell movie on her swell gee wiz couch.
Finally it comes out! Well not really, just wishful thinking. Again….
The RADIOACTIVE CHEMICALS do their job and Turkie is back with a vengeance and an eerie green glow. He quickly kills nerdy Darren…at least he can reunite with his dead best friend Billy.
Johnny gets it next. Even in his death throws, Johnny sticks to his classic football jargon wishing he could “call a time out.” WE GET IT…YOU PLAY FOOTBALL geez.
With her love slain, Kristen sets out to destroy Turkie once and for all. With a little more help from the Hermit and a conveniently placed bonfire, Turkie is cooked to a perfect internal temperature of 165 degrees.
Thank you to our lovely guest Katy Ahmadi, as well as our followers. Be sure to check out the new, epic continuation of the Thankskilling saga, Thankskilling 3. Thanks for stopping by! Check us out on Facebook.