Category: riot at the movies

Hey.. you read my books yet?

Doing some fundraising for the next flick. IF you have not downloaded my two books on bad movies. NOW is the time. 2.25 only for BOTH E books.. full of stupid and full of laughs. DOWNLOAD IT NOW!!!

 https://payhip.com/b/i8B9

Starting on a 3rd book soon.. getting these downloads makes that possible too.

more boredom while I should have been doing wo…

more boredom while I should have been doing work at the office

STARTS THIS FRIDAY AT 6 pm. 

STARTS THIS FRIDAY AT 6 pm. 

Short films and intro party from 6 30 till 7 30.

7 30 CarousHELL

9 Moopet Pastor

10 Mystery Bonus

Saturday from 3 till 6 is a geek swap / Vhs swap

Saturday at 6 30 is Camp Death 3 in 2D

8 is House Shark

10 is Clownado

Each feature is only 2 dollars. This weekend at Eyesore Cinema Toronto 1176 Bloor st West

Brought to you by Riot at the Movies

Dead Ant (2017)

Dead Ant (2017)

Man that movie pilot comment is true and yet so misleading. It is like Spinal Tap meets Tremors yet not anywhere near . Honestly it was better than I expect it. Lots of great parts but like many american horror comedies of the 21st century it lacks flow. An insane opening scene that comes off fairly hilarious for monster violence and completely illogical nudity. Then jumps into a movie that basically takes the whole time in an RV either driving in the dessert or stuck in the dessert. The idiocy of the band is a lot like Spinal Tap but more as a bad impression of them instead of anywhere near as creative or funny. I have no idea where I got this idea but for some reason I thought that band in the movie was actually played by Steel Panther, which may not have been better acting but may have been more interesting. The CGI killer ants are not too bad as this is not a no budget backyard schlock movie but a jump back to way studio left over movie was handed to the lower ranks to in turn make stupid schlock movies, like Anaconda movies or especially Eight Legged Freaks. It is kind of like that as its a project by one of those guys that makes Christmas movies to help investors in hollywood make leftover money “disappear”.

 The ant attacks are very on par with lesser Critter movies and as mentioned Eight Legged Freaks… but again let me say , not as enjoyable. Well ok maybe as enjoyable as Critters 4 cause I personally thought that movie stank. Tom Arnold however as the bands burned out at wits end manager is shockingly very good and almost likeable in this, in a fat run down Bruce Campbell kinda way… so yeah basically in a Bruce Campbell kinda way. Oddly enough Tom sells egotistical aged rocker with gore and pain gags as he laughs out losing his hands… hmmm also not unlike Bruce would.

  Oh yeah the plot… uhhh a band on its way to perform at a stoner festival i the dessert gets stuck off the road in the middle of nowhere just as evil giant Ants invade out of the sand. They hide out in the RV as they get pegged off one by one by the monsters that get bigger and bigger . All in the name of dated hair metal references (normally I would also enjoy that) . They even use shitty hair metal to fight killer ants. A lot of driving around and bitching about life until the killer ants get them and then you get a scene as they try to find the keys to there truck while hiding the injured friends in the back and trying not to wake up the ants… so that of course is when you say “Oh yeah this is like tremors, just dumber”. It is aware that it is dumb, which does not always mean it helps the fact.

 Cheap but funny with predictable monster gore and trying to hard with sex jokes and also just plain bad jokes. It all takes places in a tiny location in the desert until the end battle of the monsters at the concert location.  Makes you wonder how the budget was decided. Probably to fill in contracts so no production budgets just real actors that needed to get paid, unlike most movies with similar plots these days. Well ok if you count Tom Arnold, Jake Busey and Sean Astin as buyable actors. Oh yeah and Tommy Hill from Twin Peaks.

 Sean Astin in his laziest role, he bare even gets up in the movie. I guess you get what you pay for eh Rudy? Goonies never say die and neither does metal dude.  Actually SPOILER Sean Astin does and he gets fucked wrecked which is his best part in the movie cause he is covered in gore effects. Kudos Sean.

All and all not thrilled but I think people will get a laugh out of it. However you could just double bill Spinal Tap and Tremors and be doing a million times better for yourself.

Hey hey hey

So over the years I have written hundreds of bad movies reviews. As well as 4 full day real time review marathons. Many zines and even published 2 books just on mini funny reviews of bad movies. Lately I have not been up to par though. Slow and sluggish which I know will keep up. So for people just joining me from other worlds I have compiled  the reviews I have done over this month at least right here in links. So you can find them quickly amongst all my other picture posts of nonsense. Those not familiar with my writing style , I write as if I am talking to you and you are my buddy. Cause watching bad movies with your friends makes it even better. I don’t judge the movie for being good or bad (unless it is really obvious) and I just won’t even write about a month I don’t care about. I just write about how the movie felt, usually writing as I am watching it so you get a few of my reactions in there. Aaaannyways here is the last month of reviews… check out my archives for literally 6 years of this bullshit. Thanks… unpleasant dreams.  Click the links to read the awful reviews on basically awful movies. 

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EDIT: I added a mini archive on the main page… https://riotatthemovies.tumblr.com/BadmoviesReviews will give you the most recent 15 or show reviews.. check it out !

Coldmoon (2016) 

Coldmoon (2016) 

I have been curious about this movie for a while. I discovered today it is made by the director of Ghost Shark but instead of being funny the director chose to go straight , serious and shockingly dark. 

Basically its a twin peaks rip off meets a modern day American ghost story.

Imagine if in Twins Peaks the cops did not get as involved as you expected and Laura Palmer’s ghost basically told you who the killer was right away.

With recognisable actor Frank Whaley as the Sheriff and tiny cameos by Christopher Lloyd and even Tommy freakin Wiseau, it will make you expect something different than what you will get. 

A small town in American is shocked by the murder of a young innocent girl. The Sheriff seems tired and worn out and not up to the task of figuring it out.  Weird southern characters in the town all seem odd and prominently unlikeable. A key to low budget movies is how small towns have way too many different kinds of southern accents.     Spoiler… The movie seems like a Twin Peaks weird you out rip off but what if the hallucination scenes were actually a cliche wet long haired ghost.  UNTIL the rest of the girls family is killed. Then the oddly slow and dull movie kicks you in the teeth in an act that is equally smart and yet insulting. The young girls other family members are killed in a scene that reveals the killer. 

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You are led to believe early on that there will be twists and misleaders since you are in a familiar type of movie. But once you know the killer is exactly who they say it is you just have to witness the killer reveal just how awful and scummy he is. The actor playing the killer is pretty good so far as he makes you totally hate him and want the worst to happen to him. The killers performance is shockingly good, the actor looks like a taller David Patrick Kelly (who note appeared in Twin Peaks). He is soulless and remorseless Now remember there is a cliche dead girl ghost after him… or is there? Is his shallow sick mind just getting to him and driving him crazy or it really a snake spitting ghost stalking him. Some surprisingly shocking moments in a rather safe and slow burn of a movie.

Warning there is no way you will take serious a ghost of an old lady that looks exactly like Beetlejuice when he turns into a snake. The ghost looks really cool but you cant help but laugh and say “We’ve come for your daughter Chuck”  This obviously was on purpose those because this movie is based off a book written by Michael McDowell who yes also wrote Beetlejuice. Go figure…. shit imagine with Beetlejuice ended up a serious horror film? How would life be different?

This premise and set of characters would have been much better in a smarter directors hands. You know I love GhostShark but in a sharply polished B movie lark kind of way. Better quality and more creative shots would add to the unsettling atmosphere.  The actors playing the villain and the sheriff and doing a great job but there is just this obviously missing solid style missing.  Smaller rolls of the killers little brother and the dead little girls grandmother are great as well and deserving of a better finished product. You feel the fear and frustration of the people but the sad fact of bad low budget pacing and over explanatory scenes.

Spoiler again.. just as you start to think the killer is maybe left losing his mind  and hallucinations the ghost they straight out tell you the ghost are real too. Its only one scene where the Sheriff finds evidence left behind by the ghosts and it could have been left out so we could come to terms with it on our own. 

The ghost gags are needed but when they pop in cliche ghost gags (especially at the end) it makes the serious elements go straight down the toilet. The fact that only the killer reacts to ghost elements and it feels tact on later you often lose interest and sadly even laugh at scenes because of the ghosts when it totally could have been done right in better hands.

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This reveal dumbs down the movie making you less interested in the twists and oddities of the characters but just makes you wait to see who will get the bad guy first, the naive cop or the ghosts.  On top of asking why half these characters even exist. That and why was Tommy Wiseau in the background? But  thats not important.

I can very much compare it too Jack Ketchum’s The Lost which is another emotionally dark thriller that suffers due to its low budget and amateur finishings.

I recommend this with having you be aware this is a movie that suffers from totally not living up to his potential.  Think about it.. a movie that ME.. ME of all people would say needed less wacky ghosts and more artistic character development. Maybe if it was all ghosts all the time I wouldn’t say that.. but that would be a totally different movie. Thus this will be another of those movies that frustrates me cause it was so close to being good but due to failing that seems really bad.

Mark of Dracula (1997)Blame Robert Hoffman for…

Mark of Dracula (1997)

Blame Robert Hoffman for this one… but I fuckin loved it.

Shot on Video shit gold. Recorded over the vhs camera microphone for wonderful bad sound and bad lighting… terrible overlay effects and lots of shots fading from one to the same frame to show Dracula fading away. GOLD!!

Director Ron Ford (not to be mistaken with ex Toronto crack mayor Rob Ford) is a director I honestly was not that aware of even that he made a shit ton of shit films in the late 90s vhs sov shit list. Ron is what makes this movie special as he is also one of the stars as Sheriff Cobb the fat but action packed good old boy that wants to save the day no matter how much of a lard ass he is. 

I think Hoffman wanted me to see this cause Sheriff Cobb is very similar to Sherriff Goodman of the PSI movies.

Regardless Sheriff Cobb is fucking funny with lines like “Don’t move kitty cat” as he fires his gun while he simply enters the room.

The plot on IMDB is funny on its own that just says “Dracula is mean to a small town” and basically that is it as one of his lost vampire brides has resurrected him in a small town and he is not that happy about it so he sets up a plan with a local scientist to amass power.   

A group of quirky teens get mixed up in Dracula’s plans as the ever hilarious sheriff comes and goes from the movie to make it more funny when it starts to lag.

The other worthwhile characters are Mortermor Poe the flamboyant town Mortician and Dracula himself who looks like Fred Olen Ray crossed with Andrew Dice Clay. 

Scenes of epic bad movie gold to look out for in this order.

Drunk man falls over after saying “bitch dont know drunk” and performs the worst best/worse prat fall.

Sheriff throws a man out a window (seriously you need to see it)

Woman breaks her ankle on a cliff to a oscar performance of over acting agony.

Sheriff blows up a car with one bullet to epic special effects

Dracula hates his bride for resurrecting him and throws her down a hill in a scene that looks like a benny hill gag as the scientist types in the most violent typing ever.  

Seriously describing these scenes does nothing.. you have to find it and see it.

So I am going to find a way to screen this blurry shot on video trash to at least a few people soon.

I noticed Ron Ford Directed 2 out of the 3 Alien Agenda movies and oddly I have only seen the one he did not direct. SO I guess I have a fresh list of cheese to watch now…. I think I may be in trouble cause I like this bullshit waaayyy too much.

May help if your eyes were as red as Dracula… if you catch my drift.

A Thank you and a plea for the Toronto Toy Dri…

HEY GUYS !!! Since I have slowed down on events I need a reason to do a toy drive like I do every year with the geek swap donations. SOOOO I ask you big kids to help out the little kids. From Dec 1st (the community driven sale at Eyesore) Till Dec 11th (my next movie party) You can drop off Unopened toys to Eyesore Cinema and put them in the donation box. After the 11 days I will donate the load to the Toronto Firehall toy drive for kids (or whatever they call it).
Come say hi at this event that starts it up, buy some wacky stuff from the vendors and I am bringing back the apple cider cheer like at the halloween party 🙂

SO ANYWAYS … In Toronto go to Eyesore Cinema from Dec 1st until the 11th and drop off a unopened unwrapped toy for our Kids Toy Drive! BE a geek not a grinch!  Follow the opening event on facebook here.
https://www.facebook.com/events/915190555345309/

And here is a little video I made so you can see my haggard face asking for good tidings … and so I can personally say thank you as well.

TERRIBLE TOONIE TUESDAY RETURNS TUESDAY THE 13…

TERRIBLE TOONIE TUESDAY RETURNS TUESDAY THE 13TH AT 8:30PM!

Watching this vhs tape feature two episodes of…

Watching this vhs tape feature two episodes of SECRETS OF THE UNKNOWN!

Also known as Secrets and Mysteries in some vhs released.

A show hosted by Knight Riders Edward Mulhare who plays his role as narrator and host extremely seriously as he host a series of reenactments of some extremely hokey stories. Imagine unsolved mysteries on drugs. 

Edward Mulhare hosts the episodes from a ridiculous secret base that has super computers that keep track of all the worlds secrets. We then cut to the most hillbilly or white trash people being interviews about the time they met Sasquatch or how they live their day to day life as a modern witch. All facts very bias by 80s white Americans. The best part is that neither Edward Mulhare or the interviewed witnesses ever seem to have any doubt and make all their references to be complete fact instead of a maybe. Which is why in the end credit a voice over states how this is only one side of an opinion and should not be used to change anyone’s minds. Playing safe their huh guys.

The witches are specifically funny as you know every hippie is that way but at least most of the hippies you know just admit its to feel good and not because they were scorn by society. 

Extra special is the Sasquatch segment because the hillbillies are amazing. So amazing how question if they are just straight out actors, cause they are too good. Also Edward Mulhare has the funniest way of saying SAS – QUATCH.

80s television propaganda light on vhs, they way it was meant to be.

This tape was given to me by the criss cross duo that come to my geek swap events maybe two halloweens ago. I am pretty lucky to have odd friends like them since they knew I needed this tape in my life. So I make sure to give it a view every October since and hope to keep it a tradition. You know following tradition just with a witches coven.

Here is the Bigfoot episode for you to all enjoy …