The Elf (2017)
I love Christmas themed horror films and well… THIS FUCKING SUCKED!
And you know me I LOVE shitty movies. The more home made and flawed the better someone. But fuck this movie.
Made during the height of the Elf on a Shelf meme craze. Made by producer director Justin Price. He is one of the b studio goons that make a handful of crap zero budget movies a year just so they can plaster them all over the internet and wal mart with a cool cover to make you think you are buying something real. You the kind that make a shit bad cgi sci fi with a has been action actor and then the next week make a Christmas movie.Unlike the do it yourself super indi backyard horror guys that actually give a damn about a idea no matter how shitty it is. Instead this guy makes a shitty Christmas movie with a bad cgi killer in it and actors even more plastic then the killer plastic doll.
The plot is a couple inherit a toy shop that carried a curse (but who cares as most of the movie takes place at their oddly large house) and invite family over for Christmas. Well the guy who gained the house has no family and he may be going crazy too. However his girlfriend who just comes off as an extreme bitch is inviting her family. Everyone hates the boyfriend cause he seems to be losing his mind. But they all seem like assholes anyway so who cares. Luckily after a very long time of people just mumbling to each other like as if every actor was paid in drugs to make this movie eventually a tiny killer elf comes and kills them all.. nuff said.
There is one good scene where carolers get massacred by the elf using either magic at warp speed. Its soooo stupid but so much more fun than the rest of the bumbling paced movie that it feels like someone else made it.
Fuck this movie. Everyone in this movie is terrible. They look like real actors all probably have agents and try to make a living off being extras. But each one of them does not give a fuck. The sound is off so many lines mumble away as the next person is so loud.. usually the annoying girlfriend is the loudest. Man is she annoying. There is a twist at the end involving her that you will noooot give a fuck about cause you don’t give a fuck about her to begin with. She has some paining looking lip injections and those plastic surgery eye brows that look like she is always surprised, yet her eyes are half baked it is like she is surprised but unimpressed at the exact same fucking time. She is constantly complaining about her boyfriend who is starting to lose it but you just don’t care and wish the elf would get her first. Granted the mumbling boyfriend whos way of acting that he is in a cloud of confusion is to move slowly and mumble so much I am sure he is just drunk and not actually acting. Seriously people in this movie just fucking move! I don’t mean they have to run away from the killer elf, that would help to, but just stop standing around and wobbling there low voice grumbling about life like a bunch of junkie valley girls at the mall. The loser and going nuts boyfriend is given shit by his girlfriend and family he should just tell them to fuck off. He wouldn’t know if his girlfriend was shocked of not by his words cause her eyes brows always look like that anyways so who cares.
Seriously people over 30 talking like mallrats makes me insane. Maaaybe if this was funny and they were supposed to be like that it would make sense.. but its not.
Now lets talk about the elf. The elf does some weird shit for no reason…. and taaakesss forrrrever to actually do anything. When the elf puts himself in a christmas box just to cut out of it and giggle for no reason is super confusing and feels a hell of a lot like padding oh and warning that specific scene is more suspenseful then most of the movie.. yeah its that bad. But you do kind of route for the elf to just kill the annoying people which is saying something. Even if classic little killer issue occurs where the elves gives someone a small stab to the leg makes that makes them forget how to walk so he can slash the hell out of them until they either die or just miraculously remember how to walk again and run away incase they are needed to pad out another scene. (does my writing sound angry?… I don’t know)
The Elf is also flashed between cgi walking Elf to a toy elf attacking people. The toy looks scarier then the cgi and in fact looks like the toymaker and the computer graphic designer never communicated cause they definitely made two very different looking Elves.
Oh and there are rules for this killer elf but the drozing sleep inducing dialog from actors that do not want to be there makes me forget what they are completely.
Look how unimpressed they are.
This was over a year ago and its not free to stream (you have better things to do even for fucking free… I do this shit so you don’t have to) … and this just in… FUCK NO…. They made a sequel. ELVES just came out this year. The trailer makes it look like it may not try to take itself seriously since it knows it is that bad. Also seems to have monsters and people turning into evil elves with the most nauseating computer effect face morphing you have ever seen. Ah Fuck it I will probably watch it to cause I obviously hate myself at this time of year.
Wooo sorry for being so fucking negative guys. But this movie made my normal headaches worse.
I always say this… If your movie is stupid just own it and make it fun. You can play it straight but believing you’re stupid idea is serious is not the same thing.
I love Christmas horror movies, Jack Frost, Silent Night Deadly Night 1 to a million, Black X mas (love that remake oh yeah) Elves (the Canadian one from the 80s.) even the recent Christmas Horror story anthology flick. But some of the really recent ones just simply jumping a band wagon with hip instagram model era actors in them or worse smarmy kids. Seriously The Elf from 2017 makes me wanna say bah humbug all over your face!
A sugar plum thumb down in the dirt.