Category: horror

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Dead Pit 1989

Dead Pit 1989

Every time I try to rewatch this I am disappointed. I keep thinking maybe I just was not in the right mind set. But maybe it is just that damn cover over hypes me so much. I always remember the amazing embossed vhs cover with the light up eyes which in reference to the light up eyes of the killer in the movie (spoiler whoops).

It dwells too damn much on the mental ward that the movie takes place in and makes you feel like there is a conspiracy with the people that work there and makes you want to know more about the patients. You feel for some of the patients but deep down they are not important. There is basically a ghost of one of the old crazy doctors wandering the halls killing patients. Also a young woman is in the hospital who has amnesia and she may be more connected to the ghost then we think. Her delusions may be psychic connection. But with her constantly whining and going crazy and yelling you just kind of don’t care and want her to shut up. The movie is trying to be creepy by having little laughs and whispers around every corner of the asylum but when the patients are wandering around they all make so much noise and again heavily over act the moaning and giggling that they are crazy that eventually you just want them all to shut up and get on with it already. Filmed in a dark blue haze that oddly is popular with new horror films that also makes your eyes not want to stay on your tv…. or maybe the movie just isn’t that interesting I don’t know. The echoing screaming and crying with the hazy movie just kind of gives me a head ache. Maybe I have just stayed up too late at night watching this stuff too often. 

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If the light up eyed killer doctor that stabs through your eye to your brain was in this more maybe I would care. He is kind of a Lovecraftian villains meets freddy meets the killer doctor from X ray. There is a similar connection to the movie X ray from the hospital filled with untrusting doctors and mean nurses along with a killer wearing surgical gear. The killer could have been pretty cool. But when the reveal comes out and the connection between the killer and the girl is clarified again you just don’t really care. The cover makes you think you are getting zombies and even that I am pretty tired of zombies I would probably had more fun with a zombie filled mental ward and a few crazy people trying to escape them.. that could be a movie. Ok .. spoiler… something like that kinda happens later.. but too damn little too damn late. Yes SPOILER that is where the movie goes but it takes sooo damn long and could have been so much better.There is one or two moments near the end but as soon as it comes back to grumpy nurses and orderlies you are like “shut up and die already”. I am writing the remake now then thats all about zombies from hell from like 5 minutes in, just to please my short attention span. And less echoing whining.  HA!

Watching Puppet Master the littlest reich ri…

Watching Puppet Master the littlest reich right now.. you know the one that everyone hated… it’s not that bad.. super flawed but editing is its worse crime. It’s basically a meta film as if what if you lived in a world that had the puppet master toys and they all came to life to kill everyone they didn’t like. There are some amazing scenes in which the real Puppet Master series have not had in years.. the main actors can actually act.. which is rare for the main series to have either. It is a lot slicker than any of the series but still a B movie in every sense of the word. The disgust people seem to have with the cruel element of the movie is over hyped cause the killers are evil and supposed to do evil things. It’s not supposed to be cool cause it wants to show you the puppets are ledit evil this time. We do get classic puppets like Blade, Torch and Pinhead but in general these are random killing machines and thats it. Its stated they do nazi hate crimes so it makes sense that would do fucking awful things. Its today’s world trying to be shocking, it is executed in a way that is paced wrong and makes you unsure if it’s shocking or funny. Funny and shocking are both things that a horror film should be though. The worst part is that we never meet half the people that are killed so you don’t care about them. However again thats supposed to be the point that all these random killings happen then we learn about the people so we can be shocked that the puppets are commiting planned hate crimes. In this day and age that is kinda shocking.. just presented in a lazy way that is all.  After a slow start the movie kicks it in out of nowhere and becomes a straight out slasher with a mini massacre in the middle of the movie.

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  It will confuse fans of the franchise (it’s a remake that is nothing like the original so of course it will piss fans off) and non fines will just wonder what the hype was cause this is just a slasher. However as a fan I still liked it and I do recommend it especially when the film finally kicks it as it is a hilarious bloody slasher with characters that are all assholes but eventually the main cast will grow on you.(plus a cool cameo by Matthias Hues and a bartender called Cuddly Bear would have been played by great by Michael Clarke Duncan were he still alive). Also without giving a spoiler , you know how classic slasher flicks always have one person die by mistake and not by the killers hands…. weeelll.. wait for that scene cause you will know it when it happens and I fucking dare you not to laugh out loud at that characters expense. Honestly the worst characters are the cops, I did not enjoy Barbara Crampton which is disappointing, the main detective was worse though.  If you go into it knowing the puppets are cameos and if you dont know them prior just assume you are not supposed to. Those that thought this was not any fun.. they are wrong. Sadly it is no Puppet Master 3 with its fantasy elements, but nothing ever will be folks. Nice little homage to the original theme song in the credits though.

 Littlest Reich is just a major slasher flick, feels like Hatchet meets Puppets … seriously people nothing will ever be Puppet Master 3.  So I will stop rambling now and say watch it.  Its waaay better than 50% of the puppet master movies .. not that thats hard. But hey it is better than Happy Time murders… if you say its not you can go fuck yourself with a Tunneler puppet.

Normally I ignore Netflix completely, becaus…

Normally I ignore Netflix completely, because its so damn vanilla, but they just added Terrifier which is the b movie cheese and blood fest horror of the year pretty much. .. kinda the best of the worst kinda stuff for this years original horror endeavors. Not saying its great just refreshing in today’s American horrors with either hip ironic teens or paranormal conjuring family issues part 17. I recommend Terrifier in a dumb and bloody kinda way.  Art the clown is a character from the super diy anthology film All hallows eve and now he has his own feature film. It’s terrible acted and super cheap but wow it eventually gets insanely gross and bloody. Not a lot of plot just some girls on their way home from a halloween party get stalked by the infamous killer clown Art the clown.. who looks kinda like a mime more.. making him more dumb and more creepy at the exact same time. But when you are dressed in only black and white it makes the blood show up more. And warning at somes points things get very dark however also at one point you will think Art the clown should be singing “I don’t like the drugs but the drugs like me” by Marilyn Manson.. but I will let you watch it and figure out what part that is.

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 There are some totally unneeded but humorously bizarre side characters that could have used more exploring.  So not rocket science but once he action starts the awful dialog stops and you are just witnessing a night of bloody madness. I have to mention the lead Jenna Kanell. She is not a very well skilled actress but she takes a hell of a beating making her legit in the scream queen archives. I would love to see her get to try better roles and be more badass. I can not tell you what happens to her cause that would be a spoiler. She isn’t bad looking either.. just sayin. If she never does another film I can tell you her name will be locked in scream queen B movie history for being in this and last years so bad it’s good Bye bye man. So let’s hope things are more than just clown smiles from here on for her. Anyways now with Terrifer and All Hallows Eve (not forgetting the even lower budget All Hallows E ve 2) I think we will see more of Art the Clown and his really creepy ass smile.

Be here tomorrow for the Post live Pain a thon…

7 movies chosen by my blog readers and those that have downloaded my e books. This is the 4th year in the row i have let the online audience choose what awful things I watch.  Normally it was classic B movies or so bad they are good movies but eventually fans caught on that i enjoyed those movies too much so they challenge me harder with more painful just shit movies to watch. Normally made people donate to my blog to place a request cause this was not easy to go back to back and write about these awful movies. But i am a movie sadist so i did it for free this year, only rule is it has to be movies I have not seen. So a lot of the choices I had to say no too. 

Tumblr user @nerfect asked me to watch For your height only or impossible kid but of course I have seen both sooo I am going to watch For your height only tonight to pre hype my self. 

Tomorrows back to back pain a thon will be this…

1 Bob who follows my riot at the movies facebook page said Titanic just to be a jerk they he said he felt bad so he chose Double Team which I have seen both ssoo I am mixing it together and watching the recent b movie Titanic 2 made in 2010. Wish me luck.

2 Hilarious b movie director Richard Mogg of massage parlour of death and bigfoot eat my boyfriend requested I was the 1983 skin comedy Spring Break directed by the guy that brought us Friday the 13th Sean Cunningham.

3  A mystery tumblr message said choose a Sasquatch film i have not seen .. i thank them cause they know how beloved bigfoot is to me.. so I choose ASSAULT of the SASQUATCH (2009)

4 The legendary Buni Hiro chose the lindsay lohan ghost thriller I KNOW WHO KILLED ME…. i know i should be scared.

5 oddball Robert Hoffman chose a groovy 1968 flick also bigfoot/swamp thing styled called The Monster and the Stripper aka the Exotic Ones

6 Another mystery tumblr post for the Ed Wood Written Orgy of the Dead which i am amazed i never took the time to watch this swingin monster mash before. Wonder if its as good as the book. I look at clips all the time but I will finally do all the stupid movie.

7 was a choice made by a random walk through customer at Eyesore Cinema I said point to the wall of what should be in my pain a thon and they pointed at Amityville Curse.. you know a random Amityville sequel is gonna be harsh…  Luckily friends sending me copies, eyesore cinemas stalk and tubi tv i could find these and will venture all in tomorrow.. wish me luck, follow the post, feel me to pay pal me pizza as i have the weekend to myself so I am diving right into hell. 

Last night I watch Hotel Inferno.. speaking of hell.. maybe I will post a review of that later tonight , wow what a stinker way to start this marathon… i love it  . Starts tomorrow at noon, feel free to like and share

https://payhip.com/b/VrPs download the NEW E b…

https://payhip.com/b/VrPs download the NEW E book now for 2 dollars until July 10th… ddooooo it

Having the last two days free to do some editi…

Having the last two days free to do some editing , eat a lot, hang with my girlfriend and watch random awful movies… I think my brain is melting a bit.. I made the most random mix of bad movies and only one had I seen before.. The one about a town haunted by the ghost of a beautiful woman who talks like Tommy Wiseau. A movie that tries to be a sexy witty spookhouse movies with a rock that shoots lasers..  That’s Hellgate.  Oh yeah it also stars Horshack … what’s up with that? 

Killer Nerd is a super low budget ironic statement of how to be nice to people who are weird. The awkward part is the actor playing the nerd was known for being like that in real life so it makes you wonder how in on it he was. Its hilarious in its cartoon world and finally pays off with its awkward nihilistic ending.

 Cheerleader Massacre: A super cheesie sexy horror homage that dares to take itself seriously and even dares to say it is connected to the world of the original Slumber party massacre. Girls are oddly cute for this cheap a present day movie. But seriously there is very little going on in this movie.

Terror Eyes : One of the forgotten super low budget 80s horror anthology movies (there are tons of them) A rather avante garde store of a demon that wants a scariest book in the world to be written told in several badly connected stories. A fun cheesie car crash of a movie from the legendary bad bunch of movies released by AIP.

This and the horror Fishing double bill I posted yesterday was how I was numbing my brain and staying in the AC over the long weekend.

Riots BAD MOVIES AND BOOZE E BOOK

Riots BAD MOVIES AND BOOZE E BOOK:

Well at this rate I dont think I will be printed a physical copy of my second book anytime soon. Sooo the E book is still available to download now at only 2.75 Canadian and again if you get this and we ever print a physical edition i will give you 3 dollars off that one. Regardless enjoy the e book on the fun and love of so called bad movies and drink ideas. Enjoy the silliness folks.

SUMMER FISHING DOUBLE BILL OF COMEDY HORROR (s…

SUMMER FISHING DOUBLE BILL OF COMEDY HORROR (say that 10 times fast)

Blood Hook: 1986 comedy horror played straight. Ridiculous characters with an even more ridiculous killer but played so straight as if it does not know how bizarre it is. Making it even funnier then the slasher killing scenes play out with camera cuts and music cues like a serious horror until you realise people are being killed by a comically oversized fishing lure of doom. Originally titled Muskie Madness but that gave away that it was all a joke. So later turned to a more serious sounding yet equally silly title of Blood Hook. Released many years later by Troma and only recently coming out independently on blu ray. The main reason you know the filmmakers were in on the joke is that it was directed by Jim Mallon who helped produce MST3K with production help by legendary MST3k member Kevin Murphy. Plus the movie had a pretty impressive horror pay off no matter how silly it gets.

Psycho Pike : 1992 Canadian (Happy Canada day everybody) fishing horror that I don’t think was supposed to be a comedy but it just was by mistake. Similar plot to Blood Hook where a group of mix match young adults go to a cottage fishing get away but this time it’s one legendary killer fish that is getting them. Chris Poschums only film as he wrote, directed and produced it. It was sent out to distributors but no matter how quirky the movie is it couldn’t not get released due to its very cheap production quality. It would find a small cult following due to rare bootlegs that float around with a screener warning on it. There is definitely some smart sarcasm in the movie but you will more often be laughing at this movie then with it, which isn’t to say that it isn’t a good time.

Cast a worm out and crack open some stubby beers and enjoy the deadliest catch in bad movie double bills.

Happy summer everybody!

The tropes of the straight to vod slasher horr…

The tropes of the straight to vod slasher horror go as this…

Has been 80s actor…. Gets Richard Grieco looking like Tommy Wiseau lol

Ex WWE Wrestler now on a smaller show… Johnny Mundo / Impact

Random Baldwin

Bill Moseley for retro horror cred.

Random boob girls

Slasher killers to homage / rip off past horror killers in general.. check check check

All the cliches… aaaand I still wanna see it. What the hell is wrong with me? I can’t wait hahaha.. I need a drink!

I don’t think the killers actually look like the cover, except the big guy.. but its a funny cover regardless. And even if they don’t spoof these classic killers directly like that they will do it indirectly, Straight to VOD seems to have no choice on that matter.