Category: horror

The Elf (2017)

The Elf (2017)

I love Christmas themed horror films and well… THIS FUCKING SUCKED! 

And you know me I LOVE shitty movies. The more home made and flawed the better someone. But fuck this movie. 

Made during the height of the Elf on a Shelf meme craze. Made by producer director Justin Price. He is one of the b studio goons that make a handful of crap zero budget movies a year just so they can plaster them all over the internet and wal mart with a cool cover to make you think you are buying something real.  You the kind that make a shit bad cgi sci fi with a has been action actor and then the next week make a Christmas movie.Unlike  the do it  yourself super indi backyard horror guys that actually give a damn about a idea no matter how shitty it is. Instead this guy makes a shitty Christmas movie with a bad cgi killer in it and actors even more plastic then the killer plastic doll.

The plot  is a couple inherit a toy shop that carried a curse (but who cares as most of the movie takes place at their oddly large house) and invite family over for Christmas.  Well the guy who gained the house has no family and he may be going crazy too. However his girlfriend who just comes off as an extreme bitch is inviting her family. Everyone hates the boyfriend cause he seems to be losing his mind. But they all seem like assholes anyway so who cares. Luckily after a very long time of people just mumbling to each other like as if every actor was paid in drugs to make this movie eventually a tiny killer elf comes and kills them all.. nuff said.

There is one good scene where carolers get massacred by the elf using either magic at warp speed. Its soooo stupid but so much more fun than the rest of the bumbling paced movie that it feels like someone else made it.

Fuck this movie. Everyone in this movie is terrible. They look like real actors all probably have agents and try to make a living off being extras. But each one of them does not give a fuck. The sound is off so many lines mumble away as the next person is so loud.. usually the annoying girlfriend is the loudest. Man is she annoying. There is a twist at the end involving her that you will noooot give a fuck about cause you don’t give a fuck about her to begin with. She has some paining looking lip injections and those plastic surgery eye brows that look like she is always surprised, yet her eyes are half baked it is like she is surprised but unimpressed at the exact same fucking time. She is constantly complaining about her boyfriend who is starting to lose it but you just don’t care and wish the elf would get her first. Granted the mumbling boyfriend whos way of acting that he is in a cloud of confusion is to move slowly and mumble so much I am sure he is just drunk and not actually acting. Seriously people in this movie just fucking move! I don’t mean they have to run away from the killer elf, that would help to, but just stop standing around and wobbling there low voice grumbling about life like a bunch of junkie valley girls at the mall.  The loser and going nuts boyfriend is given shit by his girlfriend and family he should just tell them to fuck off. He wouldn’t know if his girlfriend was shocked of not by his words cause her eyes brows always look like that anyways so who cares.

Seriously people over 30 talking like mallrats makes me insane. Maaaybe if this was funny and they were supposed to be like that it would make sense.. but its not. 

Now lets talk about the elf. The elf does some weird shit for no reason…. and taaakesss forrrrever to actually do anything. When the elf puts himself in a christmas box just to cut out of it and giggle for no reason is super confusing and feels a hell of a lot like padding oh and warning that specific scene is more suspenseful then most of the movie.. yeah its that bad. But you do kind of route for the elf to just kill the annoying people which is saying something. Even if classic little killer issue occurs where the elves gives someone a small stab to the leg makes that makes them forget how to walk so he can slash the hell out of them until they either die or just miraculously remember how to walk again and run away incase they are needed to pad out another scene. (does my writing sound angry?… I don’t know)

 The Elf is also flashed between cgi walking Elf to a toy elf attacking people. The toy looks scarier then the cgi and in fact looks like the toymaker and the computer graphic designer never communicated cause they definitely made two very different looking Elves.

Oh and there are rules for this killer elf but the drozing sleep inducing dialog from actors that do not want to be there makes me forget what they are completely.

Look how unimpressed they are.

This was over a year ago and its not free to stream (you have better things to do even for fucking free… I do this shit so you don’t have to) … and this just in… FUCK NO…. They made a sequel. ELVES just came out this year. The trailer makes it look like it may not try to take itself seriously since it knows it is that bad. Also seems to have monsters and people turning into evil elves with the most nauseating computer effect face morphing you have ever seen. Ah Fuck  it I will probably watch it to cause I obviously hate myself at this time of year. 

Wooo sorry for being so fucking negative guys. But this movie made my normal headaches worse. 

I always say this… If your movie is stupid just own it and make it fun. You can play it straight but believing you’re stupid idea is serious is not the same thing.

I love Christmas horror movies, Jack Frost, Silent Night Deadly Night 1 to a million, Black X mas (love that remake oh yeah) Elves (the Canadian one from the 80s.) even the recent Christmas Horror story anthology flick. But some of the really recent ones just simply jumping a band wagon with hip instagram model era actors in them or worse smarmy kids. Seriously The Elf from 2017 makes me wanna say bah humbug all over your face!

A sugar plum thumb down in the dirt.

This is a official Garbage Pail kid card out o…

This is a official Garbage Pail kid card out of this years series. Sure the arts a tad weaker than usual.. but come on a Puppet Master spoof in GPK how freakin cool is that? Freakin cool is what it is!

It’s HALLOWEEN! 5 dollar double bill. …

It’s HALLOWEEN! 5 dollar double bill. … pre partying start at 7pm and the first film is sharp at 8pm at Eyesore Cinema in Toronto… Comic book prizes for early arrivals that buy a ticket. THIS JUST IN THE FIRST MOVIE IS PRESENTED IN GLORIOUS VHS!

Candy and prizes and the cheapest double bill you will ever see with a wackiest audience ever.

So if your not local sorry I wont be online much … but its freakin halloween.. expect lots of wacky posts for Nov 1st… if Halloween is All Hollows eve then Nov 1st but be All Hallow.

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Dead Pit 1989

Dead Pit 1989

Every time I try to rewatch this I am disappointed. I keep thinking maybe I just was not in the right mind set. But maybe it is just that damn cover over hypes me so much. I always remember the amazing embossed vhs cover with the light up eyes which in reference to the light up eyes of the killer in the movie (spoiler whoops).

It dwells too damn much on the mental ward that the movie takes place in and makes you feel like there is a conspiracy with the people that work there and makes you want to know more about the patients. You feel for some of the patients but deep down they are not important. There is basically a ghost of one of the old crazy doctors wandering the halls killing patients. Also a young woman is in the hospital who has amnesia and she may be more connected to the ghost then we think. Her delusions may be psychic connection. But with her constantly whining and going crazy and yelling you just kind of don’t care and want her to shut up. The movie is trying to be creepy by having little laughs and whispers around every corner of the asylum but when the patients are wandering around they all make so much noise and again heavily over act the moaning and giggling that they are crazy that eventually you just want them all to shut up and get on with it already. Filmed in a dark blue haze that oddly is popular with new horror films that also makes your eyes not want to stay on your tv…. or maybe the movie just isn’t that interesting I don’t know. The echoing screaming and crying with the hazy movie just kind of gives me a head ache. Maybe I have just stayed up too late at night watching this stuff too often. 

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If the light up eyed killer doctor that stabs through your eye to your brain was in this more maybe I would care. He is kind of a Lovecraftian villains meets freddy meets the killer doctor from X ray. There is a similar connection to the movie X ray from the hospital filled with untrusting doctors and mean nurses along with a killer wearing surgical gear. The killer could have been pretty cool. But when the reveal comes out and the connection between the killer and the girl is clarified again you just don’t really care. The cover makes you think you are getting zombies and even that I am pretty tired of zombies I would probably had more fun with a zombie filled mental ward and a few crazy people trying to escape them.. that could be a movie. Ok .. spoiler… something like that kinda happens later.. but too damn little too damn late. Yes SPOILER that is where the movie goes but it takes sooo damn long and could have been so much better.There is one or two moments near the end but as soon as it comes back to grumpy nurses and orderlies you are like “shut up and die already”. I am writing the remake now then thats all about zombies from hell from like 5 minutes in, just to please my short attention span. And less echoing whining.  HA!

Watching Puppet Master the littlest reich ri…

Watching Puppet Master the littlest reich right now.. you know the one that everyone hated… it’s not that bad.. super flawed but editing is its worse crime. It’s basically a meta film as if what if you lived in a world that had the puppet master toys and they all came to life to kill everyone they didn’t like. There are some amazing scenes in which the real Puppet Master series have not had in years.. the main actors can actually act.. which is rare for the main series to have either. It is a lot slicker than any of the series but still a B movie in every sense of the word. The disgust people seem to have with the cruel element of the movie is over hyped cause the killers are evil and supposed to do evil things. It’s not supposed to be cool cause it wants to show you the puppets are ledit evil this time. We do get classic puppets like Blade, Torch and Pinhead but in general these are random killing machines and thats it. Its stated they do nazi hate crimes so it makes sense that would do fucking awful things. Its today’s world trying to be shocking, it is executed in a way that is paced wrong and makes you unsure if it’s shocking or funny. Funny and shocking are both things that a horror film should be though. The worst part is that we never meet half the people that are killed so you don’t care about them. However again thats supposed to be the point that all these random killings happen then we learn about the people so we can be shocked that the puppets are commiting planned hate crimes. In this day and age that is kinda shocking.. just presented in a lazy way that is all.  After a slow start the movie kicks it in out of nowhere and becomes a straight out slasher with a mini massacre in the middle of the movie.

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  It will confuse fans of the franchise (it’s a remake that is nothing like the original so of course it will piss fans off) and non fines will just wonder what the hype was cause this is just a slasher. However as a fan I still liked it and I do recommend it especially when the film finally kicks it as it is a hilarious bloody slasher with characters that are all assholes but eventually the main cast will grow on you.(plus a cool cameo by Matthias Hues and a bartender called Cuddly Bear would have been played by great by Michael Clarke Duncan were he still alive). Also without giving a spoiler , you know how classic slasher flicks always have one person die by mistake and not by the killers hands…. weeelll.. wait for that scene cause you will know it when it happens and I fucking dare you not to laugh out loud at that characters expense. Honestly the worst characters are the cops, I did not enjoy Barbara Crampton which is disappointing, the main detective was worse though.  If you go into it knowing the puppets are cameos and if you dont know them prior just assume you are not supposed to. Those that thought this was not any fun.. they are wrong. Sadly it is no Puppet Master 3 with its fantasy elements, but nothing ever will be folks. Nice little homage to the original theme song in the credits though.

 Littlest Reich is just a major slasher flick, feels like Hatchet meets Puppets … seriously people nothing will ever be Puppet Master 3.  So I will stop rambling now and say watch it.  Its waaay better than 50% of the puppet master movies .. not that thats hard. But hey it is better than Happy Time murders… if you say its not you can go fuck yourself with a Tunneler puppet.

Normally I ignore Netflix completely, becaus…

Normally I ignore Netflix completely, because its so damn vanilla, but they just added Terrifier which is the b movie cheese and blood fest horror of the year pretty much. .. kinda the best of the worst kinda stuff for this years original horror endeavors. Not saying its great just refreshing in today’s American horrors with either hip ironic teens or paranormal conjuring family issues part 17. I recommend Terrifier in a dumb and bloody kinda way.  Art the clown is a character from the super diy anthology film All hallows eve and now he has his own feature film. It’s terrible acted and super cheap but wow it eventually gets insanely gross and bloody. Not a lot of plot just some girls on their way home from a halloween party get stalked by the infamous killer clown Art the clown.. who looks kinda like a mime more.. making him more dumb and more creepy at the exact same time. But when you are dressed in only black and white it makes the blood show up more. And warning at somes points things get very dark however also at one point you will think Art the clown should be singing “I don’t like the drugs but the drugs like me” by Marilyn Manson.. but I will let you watch it and figure out what part that is.

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 There are some totally unneeded but humorously bizarre side characters that could have used more exploring.  So not rocket science but once he action starts the awful dialog stops and you are just witnessing a night of bloody madness. I have to mention the lead Jenna Kanell. She is not a very well skilled actress but she takes a hell of a beating making her legit in the scream queen archives. I would love to see her get to try better roles and be more badass. I can not tell you what happens to her cause that would be a spoiler. She isn’t bad looking either.. just sayin. If she never does another film I can tell you her name will be locked in scream queen B movie history for being in this and last years so bad it’s good Bye bye man. So let’s hope things are more than just clown smiles from here on for her. Anyways now with Terrifer and All Hallows Eve (not forgetting the even lower budget All Hallows E ve 2) I think we will see more of Art the Clown and his really creepy ass smile.

Be here tomorrow for the Post live Pain a thon…

7 movies chosen by my blog readers and those that have downloaded my e books. This is the 4th year in the row i have let the online audience choose what awful things I watch.  Normally it was classic B movies or so bad they are good movies but eventually fans caught on that i enjoyed those movies too much so they challenge me harder with more painful just shit movies to watch. Normally made people donate to my blog to place a request cause this was not easy to go back to back and write about these awful movies. But i am a movie sadist so i did it for free this year, only rule is it has to be movies I have not seen. So a lot of the choices I had to say no too. 

Tumblr user @nerfect asked me to watch For your height only or impossible kid but of course I have seen both sooo I am going to watch For your height only tonight to pre hype my self. 

Tomorrows back to back pain a thon will be this…

1 Bob who follows my riot at the movies facebook page said Titanic just to be a jerk they he said he felt bad so he chose Double Team which I have seen both ssoo I am mixing it together and watching the recent b movie Titanic 2 made in 2010. Wish me luck.

2 Hilarious b movie director Richard Mogg of massage parlour of death and bigfoot eat my boyfriend requested I was the 1983 skin comedy Spring Break directed by the guy that brought us Friday the 13th Sean Cunningham.

3  A mystery tumblr message said choose a Sasquatch film i have not seen .. i thank them cause they know how beloved bigfoot is to me.. so I choose ASSAULT of the SASQUATCH (2009)

4 The legendary Buni Hiro chose the lindsay lohan ghost thriller I KNOW WHO KILLED ME…. i know i should be scared.

5 oddball Robert Hoffman chose a groovy 1968 flick also bigfoot/swamp thing styled called The Monster and the Stripper aka the Exotic Ones

6 Another mystery tumblr post for the Ed Wood Written Orgy of the Dead which i am amazed i never took the time to watch this swingin monster mash before. Wonder if its as good as the book. I look at clips all the time but I will finally do all the stupid movie.

7 was a choice made by a random walk through customer at Eyesore Cinema I said point to the wall of what should be in my pain a thon and they pointed at Amityville Curse.. you know a random Amityville sequel is gonna be harsh…  Luckily friends sending me copies, eyesore cinemas stalk and tubi tv i could find these and will venture all in tomorrow.. wish me luck, follow the post, feel me to pay pal me pizza as i have the weekend to myself so I am diving right into hell. 

Last night I watch Hotel Inferno.. speaking of hell.. maybe I will post a review of that later tonight , wow what a stinker way to start this marathon… i love it  . Starts tomorrow at noon, feel free to like and share

https://payhip.com/b/VrPs download the NEW E b…

https://payhip.com/b/VrPs download the NEW E book now for 2 dollars until July 10th… ddooooo it

Having the last two days free to do some editi…

Having the last two days free to do some editing , eat a lot, hang with my girlfriend and watch random awful movies… I think my brain is melting a bit.. I made the most random mix of bad movies and only one had I seen before.. The one about a town haunted by the ghost of a beautiful woman who talks like Tommy Wiseau. A movie that tries to be a sexy witty spookhouse movies with a rock that shoots lasers..  That’s Hellgate.  Oh yeah it also stars Horshack … what’s up with that? 

Killer Nerd is a super low budget ironic statement of how to be nice to people who are weird. The awkward part is the actor playing the nerd was known for being like that in real life so it makes you wonder how in on it he was. Its hilarious in its cartoon world and finally pays off with its awkward nihilistic ending.

 Cheerleader Massacre: A super cheesie sexy horror homage that dares to take itself seriously and even dares to say it is connected to the world of the original Slumber party massacre. Girls are oddly cute for this cheap a present day movie. But seriously there is very little going on in this movie.

Terror Eyes : One of the forgotten super low budget 80s horror anthology movies (there are tons of them) A rather avante garde store of a demon that wants a scariest book in the world to be written told in several badly connected stories. A fun cheesie car crash of a movie from the legendary bad bunch of movies released by AIP.

This and the horror Fishing double bill I posted yesterday was how I was numbing my brain and staying in the AC over the long weekend.