Category: horror

Flesh Freaks (2000) Kill them and Eat Them (2001)

My friends at Gold Ninja video released two movies filmed in someones backyard down the street from me. 

In 2009 I met Conal Pendergast on the set of a commercial (being made by Justin who would later make Gold Ninja Video) and we had a conversation about my favorite bad movie Suburban Sasquatch. Conal asked if I owned it on a double disc with Kill Em and Eat Them but did not say why. I would go home that night and discover it was because he made the no budget monster movie . I would later discover Flesh Freaks that he also made 10 yrs before we met with some scenes in the same location we were shooting the commercial in.

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He made these movies with no budget , often in his parents basement, using paper mache for monster masks all while finishing up high school,

Flesh Freaks is a high school production homage to the Fulci Zombi sequels with the taste of the Mad Doctor of Blood Island movies. Zombies from a troplical country make their way to Toronto. With a wink to Night of the Creeps via Things style props. Using vacation footage in Belize to show the zombies origin in  flashbacks while narrating it in a voice that sounds like the begining of Ministrys Jesus build my hotrod.

Kill them and Eat them is a more self aware, humorous movie about gangsters and mad scientists making mutants. Guyver via the way of AstroZombies with a twist of Dr Butcher MD. Sillier monsters but snappier performances and a pretty badass soundtrack for again a 19 yr olds shot on video project with paper mache monsters.  

What they lack in skills and budget they make up for in passion honesty and pure fanboy enthusiasms. Flesh Freaks has some pretty gross zombies and Kill them and Eat them rocks a more snappy pace if not a little bit sillier. But even at it’s silliest you can not help but feel like you wanna join in and make a sequel to both of them.

The Blu Ray is jam packed with history and chats that will tickle and inspire any “do it your self” film maker of shot on video vhs era fan. Totally recommend this madness. 2 rotting thumbs up.

Evil Clutch (1988)

What an amazing poster for a movie not exactly that badass. Which may explain why Troma had been able to snag the distrobution rights. The movie is kinda cool though.

Called Il Bosco 1 (the foresst 1) in Italy (the films country of origin) adding the one to mock the trend of horror sequels. Its super odd that the movie does that as its not a comedy. Instead its a heavy homage to horror movies stereotypes and shots told in an usual beat with several aside sections , which is kind of like family guy so many it is a comedy and I just didnt get the joke. I mean the monsters do look wacky and there is a crotch but just becaise Troma sells this you need to remember this is an Italian ghost movie.

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Fun goopy make up and a weird nu wave rocker girl who is secretly or not so secretly a demon.. yet she laughs like a witch and has vampire fangs. She does kill a guy in the first minute by ripping his balls off, so kudos for her. I enjoyed the weird random characters like a goggle wearing old man that tells stories with a throat voice box.  

Also take a drink when someone says the word weird. 

It is legit weird but it takes a long time to get to the head ripping zombie monsters and hen they do show up they feel like something straight outta Spookies. .. oh shit maybe I should just watch Spookies.

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Picture above is not someone from the movie. 

Basic premiss of a young couple go on a trip to the country side out side of venice where they meet the early mentioned demon girl, but honestly everything they meet seems odd and creepy so they were fucked before they even went in the woods and the Sam Raimi shots start happening.

Also take a big drink when the main characters whistle a copy rightly vage version of Whistle while we work from Snow White. It’s extremely awkward.

There is some classic iltalian horror gore and moody music but it feels like it doesnt matter making it miss the punch it could have had. Imagine a more self aware Ghosthouse. Worth a watch but maybe be less sober than I.

Again beware the crotch monster.

So you could watch this euro spook show inside joke called Evil Clutch (not really a haunted purse) or you can listen to the song Evil by Clutch… or both…

See No Evil 2 (2014)

WWE films bring us the return of the 

Mayor of Knox County Glenn “Kane”Jacobs as the madmen and slasher stereotype Jacob Goodnight. 

In an indirect nod to Halloween 2 we get locked into a hospital when the massive killer wakes up on the morge table and goes back to killing atttractive young people in the name of his mother. 

This movie also got some bad press but honestly not as bad as people say. The Soska sisters directed this one and they often get a bad rap of being “too hip” for old fart horror fans like me, but I don’t see it. Sure there are many slasher stereotypical rules in this one but personally I feel any good and “fun” slasher needs that. The movie is very straight forward stalk and slash sequel that you can accept thaat the killer Goodnight is obviously a homage to Jason Vorhees and every slasher like that. Once you get over that it’s pretty easy to enjoy.

People told me there was not much blood and the acting was bad which again I dont see. Danielle Harris ,

Kaj-Erik Eriksen

and

Katharine Isabelle are pretty solid. 

Katharine Isabelle may just be homaging Elvira a bit and looks a little tired but she is still beautiful and enjoyable. Also Danielle Harris is adorable, tough and tiny as always as I never doubted for a second. She is wonderful even in the shittiest of movies. 

Goodnights kills are pretty creative with slow ugly deaths. Lots of chains and broken bones. Look for a great if not odd drill from under the bed trick.

Yes some of the best looking shots are flashbacks and the “final kill” is very weak but I feel it is souly to blame for WWEs film budgets and short shoot time is to blame . You know me usually I am unforgiving for a bad “last kill” but even that I didn’t like it Im sure it looked better on paper. There is an aful dragged out set of images to pad the last 2 minutes which is proof of no reshoot restrictions, which are just a natural thing to need. Soskas have their Rabid remake touring now. I have heard some rough reviews but this movie has taught me to hold my judgement till I see it. Cause seriously folks us reviewers dont know shit… read me for fun not guidance. I might guide you into traffic. Buuut reeeeggaaardless.. I enjoyed See No Evil 2.

‘Leprechaun Origins (2014)

Starting my 31 days of horror movies, so of course my list of Horror movies counting to Halloween will be stupid as fuck. 

I am also hosting a wrestling themed swap meet, art show, comedy event this weekend so my first few bad horror movies are going to be wrestling related somehow.  

Leprechaun Origins was produced by the ever dumb WWE studios and sort of stars little person wrestler Hornswaggle as the Leprechaun. At one point referred to be part of the Leprechaun franchise and later often denied probably due to its massive UNpopularity.

Oddly looking a little slicker and more professionally filmed then the recent 

Leprechaun Returns but lacks every bit of soul , magic and humor (literally and figuratively). This movie is done to be a serious slasher movie instead of a humorous magical horror. But ends up a dry shot in rusty colors countryside killer movie.

This time around the Leprechaun is a maneating feral beastie that snarls and runs at people seeing you in Predator like vision (which seems super pointless except for a reason to put effects on the screen to distract you from the fact that nothing all that interesting is happening). 

The fact that Hornswaggle is in the monster costume is basically a null point because you cant see him very well and the monster has no personality, Wasting Hornswaggles humor and physical skills. Infact sometimes it’s definatly not him in the costume or just a puppet body part teased on camera… we know it’s not gonna be impressive so why wait an hour till we see him full on?   If you are familiar with the Elf from the Dan Haggertys 1989 movie Elves, he looks just like that witth a melted face. Now I need to know the origin or why his face is melted…. no I don’t. Other than the fact that the creature likes gold I don’t know how to compare it to what I know of any Leprechaun.

Basically the makers of this blah movie wanted to make another hillbilly killer / American youth killed by forgien counrty folk movie but got stuck with a franchise name to play a very vage game with. Using heavy rip off momments from the Texas Chainsaw remake mixed with a little Hostel as American tourists get tricked into being scarificed to the rabid little critter in the woods by Irish farmers. The Farmers have more presence and story then this so called Leprechaun. Spoiler there is even the cliche “Wounded characters on a dirt road wave down a car for help who just ends up being part of the bad guys and drives them right back where they started”, you know the kind of scene I mean. The most notable scene is the go to “accidentally killing one of youre own friends death scenes”. Again, you know what I mean, you’ve seen it before.

Not as terrible as I was warned (there is at least a spine tear out scene), the actors are blah but quite professional. However the movie is guilty of the sin of being forgettable.

…. Tomorrow its WWE presents . See No Evil 2…. oh well.. wish me luck.

The Mummy’s Dungeon (1993)

Is this even a movie? Oh fuck, what have I gotten myself into? I don’t know if I can review this. Home made shot on video sleaze that feels like those WAVE mail order movie thats basically fetish videos and well this movie is not to different. Made by 

G.W. Lawrence whos other films include titles like Damsel in Distress 2 and The Kind of Meat you can’t Buy in the Store (you see where this is going right?) 

Basically repetition is key here. Basically it’s 128 minutes of a sleazy looking dude in a house coat taking really cheese photos of about a dozen different models one by one. The models looks like they should all be girls from the Heavy Metal Parking Lot short documentary. Each scene is about 5 minutes of taking the worst photos ever until scene ends by killing the girl. After a bit the sleazy photographer uses the girls blood to resurrect a tall dorky looking Mummy. Then they together continue to keep killing girls one by one after long drawn out sometimes silly photoshoots. There are barely any other characters or locations other than the photographers house (there are some but its totally not important).

Also luckily for these poor actresses they usually faint at the sight of the mummy so they can be dragged away and killed on a table.. which is good cause it meant less acting and work for these girls.

 Soooo basically it’s a dozen of the worse playboy photoshoots that each end in a murder and a funny looking Mummy.

Maybe it’s the home video camera that makes it look sleazier and dirtier but it definitely does not make it a better movie. You can smell how bad this looks. It’s should make you need to take a bath. 

 Magic what you can do with a camera and a will to live, isn’t it. 

Banana Splits (2019)

A twisted sort of Parody for the 70s classics kids show now turned into a made for cable horror movie  …. Guess what? ….. I loved it? 

70s kids icons 

DROOPER, SNORKY, BINGO, FLEEGLE but thinks are not like they used to be…. ohhhh myyyy….

It’s dumb and extremely illogical while playing off horror cliches buuuuut it is simple and fun. It does not pander to the audience and feel the need to justify it’s illogical decisions. It’s twisted version of a kids show barely anyone remembers… it knows its dumb .. BUT the movie has the guts to play it straight and not make it a joke, knowing fine and well that the concept is funny enough without making a joke to bring you in on it. If you don’t get it it’s just not for you. Sure you will laugh and ask out loud why the banana splits are actually robots and not guys in costumes ( I mean if its a kids show that is just not a very cost effective thing to do). In story the world knows the show is the world’s most impressive robots and I no point does anyone think thats impressive or odd. Also in the first 30 minutes we meet the weirdest mix of pulp culture stereotypes that all seem to love this very dated kids show of singing mascot animals. If this unexplained character elements or too “unreal” or “unbelievable” for you well then you were never going to enjoy a movie about killer robot mascots on a massacre anyways. It takes a long time for the killing to start and the first kill is a off screen kill, which made me upset but not to worry it was a red herring because short moments after that its sweet intestine pulling and limb ripping practical effects gorey glory.  Bizarre enough to not make it scary but brutal and harsh enough for you to be shocked it’s being done by an orange fluffy money called Bingo. Made eerier by the robot splits odd moral logic compass that honestly makes this silly movie creepy. 

The main cast are not important but the people get killed and you will approve. I hope you approve of this bonkers pop piece of comedy horror like I did.. tra la la…. Eat your heart out 5 nights at Freddy you fucks got a mix of Robo Chucky and some stoner retro laugh and a bucket of blood that made you out classed….. tra la la la la hahahahahahahahhaahahahahahaha. 

FUNDRAISING FOR ASSAULT ON THE SNAKEMEN. Donate 35 Canadian smackeroos to my payhip account (cause kickstarers and indiegogos are so lame and last week) and you become a co producer of the film instantly to our latest cheese a rama hilarious backyard movie. You get Imdb credit, film credits, T shirt
a personalised dvd and free entry
to all 2020 Riotatthemovies movie
nights at eyesore.
AND name a random snakeman soldier.. there are random thugs but you can give one a name for the credits, if we really like it we will find a way for someone to say it in the movie.
Make sure I have your address, shirt size and how you want your name to appear.
Also we will post a personal thank you video online filmed during production.
If you’re not local to show up at events I will add some surprises in with the t shirt and dvd in the mail.
Also expect some other random things when we release the movie online and screen it in Toronto around Christmas.  Expect all to be in motion and stuff mailed out at the end of December. Donate to this link. https://payhip.com/b/4zH5 

Most you dear friends are already involved in this madness and this fundraising is basically to get you guys fed on set and help get movie out there when its finished. We make zero budget movies on our creativity and wackiness so this does not actually go to production (we got that)Share this though so we can all eat more pizza and be more weird… huzzah

 Horror from hosers taking place in hoser locations.

The Masked Mutilator (2019-1994)

Intervision finds and delivers to us with another rare zero budget piece of magic and creepy weirdness. 

A film started in 1994 that fell apart then just this past year was given modern day bookends to help make the unfinished film make … sort of sense.

A large burly wrestler retires from wrestling after going to far in the ring and now is a bodyguard / drill sergeant for a bunch of whacked out teens in a house for delinquents. He seems a little too rough and tough on these messed up teens however the teens seem pretty large and tough on their owns. 

Someone else may be even more rough then he is though. A very similar large man is taking out extreme vengeance on these brats dressed in a wrestler mask, this time the punishment is death and their will be no tapping out (ooww i like that, they should have hired me to make the tag line for the blu ray). Is it the drill sergeant losing what little marbles he has left? Or is it something even more fiendish?

Shot like a bad self help tape or instructional video makes you have a feel like something is going to go wrong at any moment. This helps to the effect of these novice actors and makes you feel like there is something worse going on behind their eyes. The 80s burly guys in this movie are all nasty that even fans of bear porn would be uncomfortable with these dudes that make the Brooklyn Brawler seems handsome.  

You might recognise short time wrestler turn Troma actor Brick Bronsky as one of the more beefy characters in the film and his acting stands out. A Troma actor out acting the rest of the cast.. hmmm that should give you an idea of the acting caliber in this movie. However the broken editing of unfinished scenes and random use of ugly people just getting aggressive with each other does make you get lost in the film, making you feel like you are trapped in an anti drug video that just makes you want to take drugs. 

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This movie is very ugly and odd but I couldn’t look away from the tacky sleaziness of this movie going nowhere. Like Gummo meets Don’t go in the Basement… If you know those films that still might not make any sense unless you see Masked Mutilator. 

Less about wrestling and more about the sickness of child services and people putting people in choke holds.. more choke holds then the LA police department. 

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Lots of info in the extra features on the dvd, as Severin / Intervision is known to do. However this is not for the rookie b movie fan. You have to like sleaze trash that gets you into whatever weird mind is behind a backyard film maker. If you are not into that you may wonder just what the fuck is going on and want to tap out right away.  If your a real wrestling fan you may also be confused on the seriousness of this movie buuuttt you will cheer out loud and laugh when someone gets a chair shot later in the movie. … well I laughed. Most wrestling fans are pretty much sickos as well, so they might like this movie.

Not your usual killer wrestler movie and I am glad. I love wrestling but Wrestler horror movies have not been very good… this movie isn’t “good” either but it’s a dark weird ugly treasure that fits wonderfully in my collection of cursed artifacts.

HOLY SHIT!!! FUCK CHUCKY!! FUCK FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDY! THIS IS GOLDEN COMEDY HORROR LIKE YOU KIDS CANT HANDLE!

STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND SEE GOD BEFORE YOU IN THE FORM OF THE TRAILER FOR THE HORROR REMAKE OF THE BANANA SPLITS!!! THIS HAS MY BRAIN WRITTEN ALLLLLL OVER IT!!!  AFTER AIRING THERE WILL BE AN UNCENSORED DVD IS COMING MY WAY!!