Category: bmovies

Terrible toonie Tuesday screening from the year 2019 also including the epic Terrible Two Day fest Toronto 2019. WHAT WAS YOUR FAV?

Thanks to everyone who helped, bought schwag, the movie makers and our amazing and hilarious audience. 2020 is going to be insane… I promise.

Puppet Killer (2019)

PUPPET KILLER WAS SO MUCH SMARTER AND FUNNIER THAN I HAD EXPECTED. VERY WONDERFULLY SURPRISED. I TOTALLY RECOMMEND IT. A MODERN HORROR COMEDY THAT “GETS IT” INSTEAD OF JUST CASHING IN. A STEREOTYPICAL GROUP OF CHARACTERS BUT SO MUCH MORE LIKABLE THEN OTHER HORROR COMEDIES THESE DAYS. I RECOMMEND IT.

On first view from the cheapish poster I thought this would be cheesy but funny, which is usually fine for weirdos like me but not a major audience. 

Then seeing it had real actors from recent budgeted television shows I thought maybe it was an “ironic” take on killer puppet movies making it a true indie film where its all a metaphor for mental delusions then a wacky puppet killing people. Where you wonder if it is a real puppet and you never see the puppet killer. Well I wasn’t wrong BUT you do see the puppet being a complete weirdo and killing like a maniac. So you get both! Hense my surprise. 

With a cast that looks like the photo above (because it is that cast) youd think  this could be any b movie slasher of the 2000s. They all perform as over the top party people that borders on the wackiness of goofy movies like Caroushell (which I love but for different reasons), since they do get killed by a cute funny monster as well and all so bro a lot. But the actors are much better. 

Lisa Durupt seems to be playing a 20 yr old Kristen Bell, even that Kristen nor Lisa are 20. Richard Harmon from The 100 , the Van Helsing tv series and of course Grave Encounters 2 impresses all the ladies with his mopey emo ass and fits the role perfectly. Then also from the Van Helsing series is 50 yr old 

Aleks Paunovic playing 18 yr old Jaime. The hero of this film… sorta. All this odd casting and age choices is perfect and on purpose but never made as a joke just a straight played awkwardness and homage to 70s and 80s horror movies. When Jaime talks to his dad that he is easily older then it is truly hilarious souly because of how straight they play it. There are so many homages to classic slashers and horror but only the evil puppet called Simon makes the direct references as the actors do them more straight and subtle as playing off horror movie themes then direct jokes. Shockingly smart for such an obviously silly movie. Other great choices for genre fans with a cameo by the Soska Sisters and the casting of Gigi Saul Guerrero who like the director and writer of this movie totally “get it”. 

Moments like this photo make you think more of the 2014 film Creep then a straight slasher with comedic gore gags. But like I said.. its both. When the puppet goes wild you border on damn near Jack Frost silliness but every so often it brings you back in and makes you realize, “wow this is fucked”. Will we get a sequel? It could. But a lot of it is misleading to non genre fans. So sadly I don’t think a lot of people will get it. But I enjoyed it a lot. Even if it did have a puppet called Simon that looked a lot like the puppet in my Moopet Pastor movies killer puppet called Gnarly, I still liked it.

Also one of the last indie projects from the recently passed effect guru Ryan Nicholson. When playing Puppet Killer at the Blood in the Snow festival in Toronto I was very pleased that they gave him a shout out and commemoration. After many a late night conversation with Ryan while online back in the day that was very cool to see them do that.  

Scary Movie (1991)

Recently released bu AGFA its a forgotten little horror movie that is a not a spoof staring Anna Faris. A love budget slasher with a twist that I wont give you. I wont say much but this slow place misleading slasher is worth watching but you have to get first the misleading slow paced start to get the pay off. The main actor John Hawkes plays Warren a nerdy little guy suffering from paranoia and who’s bully friends convince him to go to a country Halloween Haunted House theme attraction. Warren is so weird or so over acting that it feels very unnecessary but in fact is very necessary and honestly its this little crazy nerds acting that makes  this movie stand out from hundreds of odd ball horror movies of its time (which may explain why its been basically untalked about over the years)

A psycho has escaped from a mental home after being moved in an armed car that wipes out near the Halloween attraction.

Now maybe the actors in the haunted house aren’t acting anymore.

I right away thought the armed car would hit a truck of chemicals and turn him into a killer snowman … oh wait that’s Jack Frost.  This movie is not a comedy but it is doing an homage of  horror stereotypes.  Its definitely not for everyone but fans of slow oddball slashers its shocking.. you need to get to the last quarter to appreciate John Hawkes acting.

Minutes to Midnight (2018)

Holy stinker… last quarter is good when everyone dies. But that’s not saying much. Filled with has been actors that have no reason to be there nor read the script so they have no idea why they are there. Except Johnny Mundo Hennigan who is the actual star (if anyone can be the star of this) who looks better and acts better then everyone. Kudos Johnny.

The killers who do not look like the they do on this cover (including Bill Mosley who dresses up like he is Otis from Devils Rejects but doesnt do anything cause obviously they has him for one after noon)

A victim of unfinished scenes edited poorly and a group of youths in a cabin waiting to get killed… and they are soooo fucking unlikable and you wait soooo long for them to die you don’t even care when they do die. There is a middle group folks. Make em assholes so your not upset that they are dead but make them likable enough that you care to see them get to that point at all.

The big killer Angus looked cool with interesting weapons that seem like its product from some other random movie. The film only teases why the killers are the way they are and the ending quarters “explanation” or “twists” seems really dumb so in turn in my memory the killers are just 3 unrelated cosplayers gone insane and their is no reason for anything. 

Again Johnny was great, he didn’t fit in this movie at all but still stood out better as these more polished “actors”.

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William Baldwin and Richard Grieco? What the hell. How much did they get paid in booze for this movie? Ugh B horror movies made in Hollywood is such a convoluted load of shit. Slick look , cool costumes no fucking soul at all. Mashed together and throw out to the public. 

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What really was the plot about? Kids in a cabin in a wood with a history of three random killers that never really get around to doing anything. A whole shit ton of extra characters that just hang around and over act, being bitchy or just plain annoying then finally just die. That’s all I got.  

Ugh now I’m rambling. Just like this movie that felt like 1000 minutes too long till midnight.

Seriously , I just watched this and I don’t know what this movie was about.

…..

Oh wait it’s directed by Chris OLEN Ray… fuck… that explains it. 

Drop remote and goes to bed…. gah

Demonicus (2001)

From the guy who brought you Beyond Dreams Doors we get several couples hiking in the woods and up a cliffside… yep that kinda zero budget horror… but wait gets “bettter”. When one dude goes into a cave and finds a oddly fleshy skeleton is wearing a dollar store gladiator halloween costume he decides to wear it and becomes possessed. Like duh.

 He then wonders down the cliff killing everyone in amazing arm chopping action. You know the kinds of shots where its, Slash, cut to bloody squirting arm then cut to victim holding arm and screening.  You know classic stuff. 

Fuck this is laugh out loud bad but done straight with very little extra logic to explain things. You will laugh at and sometimes with it, buuuut more often at it. Very unlikable characters but so unlikable it becomes enjoyable all over again. 

An ending so confusing that you wont be upset you again will just laugh. 

A good dumb time.

A watch with friends then drink and point at the screen while laughing kinda Z movie.  

Oh shit directed by  Jay Woelfel of Beyond Dreams Doors and written by Tim Sullivan of Eyes of the WereWolf. It all makes sense now. Made by Sterling Entertainment during there short cross over with Full Moon Pictures when everyone was broke. This should literarly been a health warning for novice badmovie watchers. Danger Danger.

I will be making this a regular in my bad movie rotation from now on.

JockStrap Slaughterhouse (2016)

A 45 minute horror comedy made by high school stundens about the ghost of a bully football player thats comes to kill nerds. Nightmare on Elm Street riffs and plenty of gay innudendo (of course it did).

Why do I love short home made movies filled with childish rude gags… is it because it makes me feel like a better person on comparison? Yes .. this is true. Is the shortness a must because they got rid of the filler and it wouldn t be any good AND I know I would get bored if it went on any longer? Yes this is also true. 

So thank you weird ass kids. Great cheap synth beat soundtrack and I honestly enjoyed some of the zingers. But Im sick in the head so what do I know 🙂

Free to watch online on the Kings of Horror page on yourtube, for some strange reason.

2 rotting thumbs up.

no budget for life

Tuesday, November 19, 2019 at 8:00 PM  @ EYESORE CINEMA in TORONTO brought to you by Riot at the movies

Perhaps the weirdest film to screen at the 2019 Terrible Twoday fest in March is back in a new extended cut aka the Unreleased stupidity cut.  This cut is now streaming online but we are screening it for one night only and we want YOU in the madness.  Early screening for the extended madness. Arrive on time to see first Todd Sheets new short film that will be part of next HI Death 3 film next year.
It is PWYC and ALL proceeds go to the CAMH winter clothing drive. So bring your money or bring a pack of socks for the winter needy.

Watching now… been curious along time, hilariously worth the wait . Im sure behind on reviews. I will take a day this week to write a few in a row

Thank you to the small but amazingly awesome group of funny weirdos that came to Terrible Toonie Tuesday tonight. You seemed to really like the movie and you guys made it even more fun. Thanks to Andy O’Neal for the goodes bags. We have 2 shows next month.. I hope you are all ready…. OH yeah and if you missed it here is the Teaser trailer for the backyard movie we have been making called Assault on the Snakemen… coming soon..ish… if I can get around to editing it 😛 new lappy coming soon so movie coming soon after that. Get your sssnnnnnake one. 

Sssssss

Die Hard Dracula (1998)

The monthly B movies screening at The Handlebar bar in Toronto play a doozy tonight. One of the worst of the worse. 

Many people were asking if it was a spoof remake of Die Hard with Vampires. Which showed they were new to badmovies and probably were not ready for what they saw.  So otherwords no it has nothing to do with DieHard.. just a weird name for this very odd movie.

Zero budget mumbeled movie that oddly has Crispin Glovers Dad playing Van Helsing. Bad act worse special effects even worse script.

Many momments are funny on purpose like the infamous flying coffin opening scene that is to be seen to be believed. But a good chunk of this movie panders along that you know the writer director thought the story and random odd ball characters were interesting and made sense. They were very wrong, but they liked it.   

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Oh man this movies loves using up all the Euro stalk footage from someones tourist home videos. They never run out of that stuff. Plenty a gurellia filler shot of catherdrals, castles and clocks.

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A main plot of a young American man that goes on a solo trip to Europe after the death of his girlfriend. In Romania he finds a look alike of his girlfriend who oddly had recently come back from the dead herself… coincidence as its just a look alike.. suuuurrree. 

Then we meet a group of local villagers that are very weird and only seem less creepy on comparison to the movies Dracula who may win homeliest Dracula in a movie. They play off the Gary Oldman Dracula that gets less ugly the more he feeds and heals but he Die Hard Dracula even with less make up he still seems like the creepy bloated drunk Uncle that no one feels safe leaving the kids alone with.

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If you can get through this and keep smiling and you “get” the intense Badmovie logic I commend you and I consider you part of my Bad movies posse. 

So go on.. watch this fart of a movies and when you see the special effects you too will feel special indeed.

Honestly if you don’t laugh out loud over this film , you have less soul then Dracula himself. 

Yipe kai yeah mother fucker (sadly never said in this movie, not even mother sucker)

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