Category: badmovies

Demonicus (2001)

From the guy who brought you Beyond Dreams Doors we get several couples hiking in the woods and up a cliffside… yep that kinda zero budget horror… but wait gets “bettter”. When one dude goes into a cave and finds a oddly fleshy skeleton is wearing a dollar store gladiator halloween costume he decides to wear it and becomes possessed. Like duh.

 He then wonders down the cliff killing everyone in amazing arm chopping action. You know the kinds of shots where its, Slash, cut to bloody squirting arm then cut to victim holding arm and screening.  You know classic stuff. 

Fuck this is laugh out loud bad but done straight with very little extra logic to explain things. You will laugh at and sometimes with it, buuuut more often at it. Very unlikable characters but so unlikable it becomes enjoyable all over again. 

An ending so confusing that you wont be upset you again will just laugh. 

A good dumb time.

A watch with friends then drink and point at the screen while laughing kinda Z movie.  

Oh shit directed by  Jay Woelfel of Beyond Dreams Doors and written by Tim Sullivan of Eyes of the WereWolf. It all makes sense now. Made by Sterling Entertainment during there short cross over with Full Moon Pictures when everyone was broke. This should literarly been a health warning for novice badmovie watchers. Danger Danger.

I will be making this a regular in my bad movie rotation from now on.

JockStrap Slaughterhouse (2016)

A 45 minute horror comedy made by high school stundens about the ghost of a bully football player thats comes to kill nerds. Nightmare on Elm Street riffs and plenty of gay innudendo (of course it did).

Why do I love short home made movies filled with childish rude gags… is it because it makes me feel like a better person on comparison? Yes .. this is true. Is the shortness a must because they got rid of the filler and it wouldn t be any good AND I know I would get bored if it went on any longer? Yes this is also true. 

So thank you weird ass kids. Great cheap synth beat soundtrack and I honestly enjoyed some of the zingers. But Im sick in the head so what do I know 🙂

Free to watch online on the Kings of Horror page on yourtube, for some strange reason.

2 rotting thumbs up.

no budget for life

Tuesday, November 19, 2019 at 8:00 PM  @ EYESORE CINEMA in TORONTO brought to you by Riot at the movies

Perhaps the weirdest film to screen at the 2019 Terrible Twoday fest in March is back in a new extended cut aka the Unreleased stupidity cut.  This cut is now streaming online but we are screening it for one night only and we want YOU in the madness.  Early screening for the extended madness. Arrive on time to see first Todd Sheets new short film that will be part of next HI Death 3 film next year.
It is PWYC and ALL proceeds go to the CAMH winter clothing drive. So bring your money or bring a pack of socks for the winter needy.

Watching now… been curious along time, hilariously worth the wait . Im sure behind on reviews. I will take a day this week to write a few in a row

The Dark Power (1987)

  A lazy review tonight of a movie I reviewed in my first published book of bad movie reviews. Dark Power has college kids getting attacked by a group of zombies of the Tolteks native tribe, who look like they should team up with the Neon Maniacs. Im watching on Riff Trax because I have a head ache and riff trax is like lube for badmovies. Who I I kidding, I love this awful movie.

Here’s what I said in my book (a shameless plug for it’s available on Amazon called The Weird Book of Bad Movies )

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The Dark Power: A weird little movie made for no money in the 80s with a guest appearance of classic western actor Lash La Rue, drunkenly mumbling his way through his lines. A group of college kids share a house that is built on an Indian burial ground (yep I know you’ve heard that one before). A good portion of the film is getting to know the dorky crew that live in the house and the weird people in the town. That goes on for so long you almost forget that.. yes.. this is a zombie monster movie. The spirits of the Shamans buried near by rise from the graves, each with their own weird and oddly hilarious personality traits leading to some creative hijinks even if it is just chasing people in and out of the house. Shockingly fun, if maybe by mistake or not.

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Since the book release I would like to take back the comment about the movie being made for little money. It’s irrelevant, because on comparison to most of the movies I review, the budget was quiet average, but just a lot dumber.

Id also like to add a big thank you to all those hilarious 80s panties that horror movie sorority girls had to wear. The girls in this movie are perticularly sassy and funny and I want to thank them for all they went through. Good old 80s sorority horror.

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Watch it on Riff Trax but Im serious when I say the movie is funny on it’s own to.

Evil Clutch (1988)

What an amazing poster for a movie not exactly that badass. Which may explain why Troma had been able to snag the distrobution rights. The movie is kinda cool though.

Called Il Bosco 1 (the foresst 1) in Italy (the films country of origin) adding the one to mock the trend of horror sequels. Its super odd that the movie does that as its not a comedy. Instead its a heavy homage to horror movies stereotypes and shots told in an usual beat with several aside sections , which is kind of like family guy so many it is a comedy and I just didnt get the joke. I mean the monsters do look wacky and there is a crotch but just becaise Troma sells this you need to remember this is an Italian ghost movie.

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Fun goopy make up and a weird nu wave rocker girl who is secretly or not so secretly a demon.. yet she laughs like a witch and has vampire fangs. She does kill a guy in the first minute by ripping his balls off, so kudos for her. I enjoyed the weird random characters like a goggle wearing old man that tells stories with a throat voice box.  

Also take a drink when someone says the word weird. 

It is legit weird but it takes a long time to get to the head ripping zombie monsters and hen they do show up they feel like something straight outta Spookies. .. oh shit maybe I should just watch Spookies.

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Picture above is not someone from the movie. 

Basic premiss of a young couple go on a trip to the country side out side of venice where they meet the early mentioned demon girl, but honestly everything they meet seems odd and creepy so they were fucked before they even went in the woods and the Sam Raimi shots start happening.

Also take a big drink when the main characters whistle a copy rightly vage version of Whistle while we work from Snow White. It’s extremely awkward.

There is some classic iltalian horror gore and moody music but it feels like it doesnt matter making it miss the punch it could have had. Imagine a more self aware Ghosthouse. Worth a watch but maybe be less sober than I.

Again beware the crotch monster.

So you could watch this euro spook show inside joke called Evil Clutch (not really a haunted purse) or you can listen to the song Evil by Clutch… or both…

Mahakaal is the infamously way too long bollywood rip off of Nightmare on Elm street with random kung fun fights and musical numbers of a 80s sex comedy nature.  The only way I would watch it for the THIRD time would be with a group of riffing weirdos and strangersss with some ciders at see scape hosted by Killer Bee movie nights  … oh wait I just did that tonight. I dont recommend the movie out side of some amazing scenes but in a group of shocked weirdos… it waas good. And since this movie is so damn long… my review is short. But here are some photos. 

Pro Wrestlers vs Zombies…. Wrestlers and a zero budget zombie rash flick is normall up my alley. Why oh Why am I doing this again? 

This should be fun … but it’s not. 

As far as the wrestlers is concerned, Matt Hardy is just high, Hacksaw Jim Dungan may or may not know he is in a movie, they couldn’t afford to keep Piper and Angle around enough to keep their stories going and only Shane Douglas would be egotisical enough to feel this movie is going send him somewhere so he stays on camera and tries waaaayyyy too hard. 

Then there is the zombies.. not interesting enough to remember why they are there, everyone is mumbling and they look like high school production zombie movies from the late 80s early 90s withought the vhs child production charm. No liner story to keep me paying attention… actually , you know, fuck it, I reviewed this is 2016… here is what I wrote…

I collect terrible home made horror movies, you know that, I love Wrasslin, you know that. So I bought Pro Wrestlers vs Zombies for 10 bucks..and I kinda regret it.. total waste of everything you have, seeing the scuzz bag looking who made it i’m not shocked. Ok that was harsh but he is in the movie for a second and he felt like many a door money stealing indy wrestling promoters. I needed it in my collect and I am glad to say I own it in my weird ass collection but I will never watch it again. Wow its just random scenes edited together out of boring ass nothing, I mean sure I have lots of trash like this in my collection, but this had options of being better, I love how they main girl has her mouth covered so much cause they knew they were going to dub her haha. Also that shitty sound track wow gross, everything sounds like Buckcherry and Nicklebacks lame love child. One good bit is when (spoiler if you are completionist of Wrestling or Zombies) Roddy Piper has to bludgeon Hacksaw jim duggan in a mercy kill. And Pipers one emotional speech is hilarious.  Also Shane Douglas is a big part of the show but alas even when the biggest part happens to him it’s just like his wrestling career, you know its important but you just don’t care.
Granted at the end when its mainly just Shane and Piper its seriousness is so absurd it actually becomes funny. Seriously folks if you movie has nothing going for it at least make it fun. Thank you Piper for making something out of this R I P

Yep same as it ever was. I have my wrestling themed party on Saturday so I better watch something better tomorrow so I dont ruin the vibe. One more wrestling themed horror movies till I can move on with the theme.  

‘Leprechaun Origins (2014)

Starting my 31 days of horror movies, so of course my list of Horror movies counting to Halloween will be stupid as fuck. 

I am also hosting a wrestling themed swap meet, art show, comedy event this weekend so my first few bad horror movies are going to be wrestling related somehow.  

Leprechaun Origins was produced by the ever dumb WWE studios and sort of stars little person wrestler Hornswaggle as the Leprechaun. At one point referred to be part of the Leprechaun franchise and later often denied probably due to its massive UNpopularity.

Oddly looking a little slicker and more professionally filmed then the recent 

Leprechaun Returns but lacks every bit of soul , magic and humor (literally and figuratively). This movie is done to be a serious slasher movie instead of a humorous magical horror. But ends up a dry shot in rusty colors countryside killer movie.

This time around the Leprechaun is a maneating feral beastie that snarls and runs at people seeing you in Predator like vision (which seems super pointless except for a reason to put effects on the screen to distract you from the fact that nothing all that interesting is happening). 

The fact that Hornswaggle is in the monster costume is basically a null point because you cant see him very well and the monster has no personality, Wasting Hornswaggles humor and physical skills. Infact sometimes it’s definatly not him in the costume or just a puppet body part teased on camera… we know it’s not gonna be impressive so why wait an hour till we see him full on?   If you are familiar with the Elf from the Dan Haggertys 1989 movie Elves, he looks just like that witth a melted face. Now I need to know the origin or why his face is melted…. no I don’t. Other than the fact that the creature likes gold I don’t know how to compare it to what I know of any Leprechaun.

Basically the makers of this blah movie wanted to make another hillbilly killer / American youth killed by forgien counrty folk movie but got stuck with a franchise name to play a very vage game with. Using heavy rip off momments from the Texas Chainsaw remake mixed with a little Hostel as American tourists get tricked into being scarificed to the rabid little critter in the woods by Irish farmers. The Farmers have more presence and story then this so called Leprechaun. Spoiler there is even the cliche “Wounded characters on a dirt road wave down a car for help who just ends up being part of the bad guys and drives them right back where they started”, you know the kind of scene I mean. The most notable scene is the go to “accidentally killing one of youre own friends death scenes”. Again, you know what I mean, you’ve seen it before.

Not as terrible as I was warned (there is at least a spine tear out scene), the actors are blah but quite professional. However the movie is guilty of the sin of being forgettable.

…. Tomorrow its WWE presents . See No Evil 2…. oh well.. wish me luck.

The Mummy’s Dungeon (1993)

Is this even a movie? Oh fuck, what have I gotten myself into? I don’t know if I can review this. Home made shot on video sleaze that feels like those WAVE mail order movie thats basically fetish videos and well this movie is not to different. Made by 

G.W. Lawrence whos other films include titles like Damsel in Distress 2 and The Kind of Meat you can’t Buy in the Store (you see where this is going right?) 

Basically repetition is key here. Basically it’s 128 minutes of a sleazy looking dude in a house coat taking really cheese photos of about a dozen different models one by one. The models looks like they should all be girls from the Heavy Metal Parking Lot short documentary. Each scene is about 5 minutes of taking the worst photos ever until scene ends by killing the girl. After a bit the sleazy photographer uses the girls blood to resurrect a tall dorky looking Mummy. Then they together continue to keep killing girls one by one after long drawn out sometimes silly photoshoots. There are barely any other characters or locations other than the photographers house (there are some but its totally not important).

Also luckily for these poor actresses they usually faint at the sight of the mummy so they can be dragged away and killed on a table.. which is good cause it meant less acting and work for these girls.

 Soooo basically it’s a dozen of the worse playboy photoshoots that each end in a murder and a funny looking Mummy.

Maybe it’s the home video camera that makes it look sleazier and dirtier but it definitely does not make it a better movie. You can smell how bad this looks. It’s should make you need to take a bath. 

 Magic what you can do with a camera and a will to live, isn’t it.