Category: Bad movies

Minutes to Midnight (2018)

Holy stinker… last quarter is good when everyone dies. But that’s not saying much. Filled with has been actors that have no reason to be there nor read the script so they have no idea why they are there. Except Johnny Mundo Hennigan who is the actual star (if anyone can be the star of this) who looks better and acts better then everyone. Kudos Johnny.

The killers who do not look like the they do on this cover (including Bill Mosley who dresses up like he is Otis from Devils Rejects but doesnt do anything cause obviously they has him for one after noon)

A victim of unfinished scenes edited poorly and a group of youths in a cabin waiting to get killed… and they are soooo fucking unlikable and you wait soooo long for them to die you don’t even care when they do die. There is a middle group folks. Make em assholes so your not upset that they are dead but make them likable enough that you care to see them get to that point at all.

The big killer Angus looked cool with interesting weapons that seem like its product from some other random movie. The film only teases why the killers are the way they are and the ending quarters “explanation” or “twists” seems really dumb so in turn in my memory the killers are just 3 unrelated cosplayers gone insane and their is no reason for anything. 

Again Johnny was great, he didn’t fit in this movie at all but still stood out better as these more polished “actors”.

image

William Baldwin and Richard Grieco? What the hell. How much did they get paid in booze for this movie? Ugh B horror movies made in Hollywood is such a convoluted load of shit. Slick look , cool costumes no fucking soul at all. Mashed together and throw out to the public. 

image

What really was the plot about? Kids in a cabin in a wood with a history of three random killers that never really get around to doing anything. A whole shit ton of extra characters that just hang around and over act, being bitchy or just plain annoying then finally just die. That’s all I got.  

Ugh now I’m rambling. Just like this movie that felt like 1000 minutes too long till midnight.

Seriously , I just watched this and I don’t know what this movie was about.

…..

Oh wait it’s directed by Chris OLEN Ray… fuck… that explains it. 

Drop remote and goes to bed…. gah

Die Hard Dracula (1998)

The monthly B movies screening at The Handlebar bar in Toronto play a doozy tonight. One of the worst of the worse. 

Many people were asking if it was a spoof remake of Die Hard with Vampires. Which showed they were new to badmovies and probably were not ready for what they saw.  So otherwords no it has nothing to do with DieHard.. just a weird name for this very odd movie.

Zero budget mumbeled movie that oddly has Crispin Glovers Dad playing Van Helsing. Bad act worse special effects even worse script.

Many momments are funny on purpose like the infamous flying coffin opening scene that is to be seen to be believed. But a good chunk of this movie panders along that you know the writer director thought the story and random odd ball characters were interesting and made sense. They were very wrong, but they liked it.   

image

Oh man this movies loves using up all the Euro stalk footage from someones tourist home videos. They never run out of that stuff. Plenty a gurellia filler shot of catherdrals, castles and clocks.

image

A main plot of a young American man that goes on a solo trip to Europe after the death of his girlfriend. In Romania he finds a look alike of his girlfriend who oddly had recently come back from the dead herself… coincidence as its just a look alike.. suuuurrree. 

Then we meet a group of local villagers that are very weird and only seem less creepy on comparison to the movies Dracula who may win homeliest Dracula in a movie. They play off the Gary Oldman Dracula that gets less ugly the more he feeds and heals but he Die Hard Dracula even with less make up he still seems like the creepy bloated drunk Uncle that no one feels safe leaving the kids alone with.

image

If you can get through this and keep smiling and you “get” the intense Badmovie logic I commend you and I consider you part of my Bad movies posse. 

So go on.. watch this fart of a movies and when you see the special effects you too will feel special indeed.

Honestly if you don’t laugh out loud over this film , you have less soul then Dracula himself. 

Yipe kai yeah mother fucker (sadly never said in this movie, not even mother sucker)

image

Mummy Reborn (2019)

 Wow… I loved it. Lets just say that.  
Is it good? HEEELLL NO!
I thought I had never heard of this until I pressed play. Then I remembered seeing a very missleading trailer for it. Played out like an epic movie but looked like it was in someones backyard.  

Check this… The cover is a rip off of the dvd cover for Day of the Mummy a super cheap found footage American movie from 2014 with a cameo by Danny Glover that was made to look like a rip off of one of the Brendan Fraser Mummy movies. So I thought it was a sequel to that, but nope. I was tricked by a rip off cover rip off cover. A Russian doll of misleading marketing. Call me impressed by this trickery. This chicanery dare I say. 

 Infact this is an English shot on cheap digital video movie made by people just out of highschool. Shown by the pimple on the chin of the main girl in the cast. She is supposed to be very stressed but I doubt that was method acting. Cheap but funny and more off the wall then a generic young people in a house getting attacked by a mummy movie should be.
Our main lead is a young woman raising her autistic brother and going through hard times. This makes it again seem like a serious dramatic horror movie until you get a whiff of bad acting from the austistic brother, which is border line tastless but the jury is out if thats on purpose or just bad acting. (Watch knowing my luck I will find out later he really was autistic so then I look rude and an idiot, Cest la vie), Then you see all the bills his sister is going through as they are having finanical issues and some of the letters say MORE BILLS on them. That’s when it started to click in that this was a joke. I mean you watch the opening scene with some friends and some drinks and you will already laughing regardless if it’s a legit comedy or not. 

image

Lets talk about this stalking mummy in his dread lock looking bandages and slippers style feet. He looks very warm and cozy in the costume. He seems like a fun dude to party with. 

image

The troubled sister and austistic brother get tangled up with the mummy when they steal the mummy from a curator and try to sell it. Of course the mummy wakes up , kills some then enslaves and dresses up the others. Basically filmed all in their backyard and drive way with a small cast. The mummy at one point walks away into the woods behind the house to kill a few stoners who were extras they just had for a momment but worked as useful filler. The actors are pretty bad but all witty enough to be likable. I perticularly like Karen the curator, she has a line early on about her sex therapist that is so random it again made me say outloud , while I’m alone “ok what am I watching?”

image

Ending in some of the lamest fight scenes I have ever seen but by this point I am sure they know it cause the real jokes come out and this often played straight film comes off the handles in a way so wonderfully awful I really recommend you see it. But again, in a group of friends and with booze. 

Not to mix this up with Mummy Rebirth also made this year but thats’ an American movie that feels like a much more hollywood film. Its still a low budget movie. But more like a souless Asylum mockbuster instead of a hilarious backyard horror movie like Mummy Reborn was. Don’t take yourself seriously and check it out.

The hilariously over dramatised trailer

Knight of the Dead (2013)

I had gone on run of watching Knight vs evil magic movies lately.  

Berserker: Hell’s Warrior about a viking warrior vs demons who half way through ended up in present day and turned into a bloody Highlander rip off (bloody as in more gore not how Sean Connery would say it). Then I watched Olaf Ittenbachs ridiculous Legend of Hell of viking, monks and Camelot style knight characters that die and meet each other in a limbo full of zombies. Sooooo I see a cheap copy of Knight of the Dead and I say sure why not… how bad could it be? 

Owch, 

Honestly it was filmed more epic and taken much more seriously then the other two. Much more straight forward and the actors seemed to care (even the guy withe the present day hair cut). I was expecting shot on home video with dollar store effects, but “technially” it was made better than that. Some very obviously flubs and mistakes which stand out but what ever, shit happens. 

 Dark and grey and very atmospheric but… holy shit was it boring and wow no one will make you give a single damn at all. 

You meet a group of nights and a priest on a mission across an rocking barren land , oh and zombies pop up. But they walk and walk and you tend to forget about them until boom everyone fucking dies . You dont care much about the characters but even the ones you may care a smidge about just die half way through and then the movie still goes on and on and on with “Spoiler” just the priest who I really did not care about.

Look how epic this shot is! How did this end up so boring? Hell take out the zombies and make the knights die of disease then make that set the gloomy pace.  Fuck that would have been way more interesting.  

On the dvd was a trailer for Outpost which aesthetically is similar to Knights of the Dead but that again mislead me. .. grumbles…

After watching I looked up the director and things started to make sense. It was directed by Mark Atkins who should be a fake name for bad movie making. He made so many Asylum rip off movies like Android Cop which felt like the star Micheal Jai White was told to purposly be less carismatic and cool then he naturally is. Mark Atkins also made 

P-51 Dragon Fighter which is one of the more disapointing I have ever watched. Marks movies get released on tv and played on tv because they use the small budget to make it look good but then save the money by having aboso fucking lutley nothing happen.  Why do the people with distrobution powers think this is ok? Probably cause they make a choice 5 minutes into walking a film then turn it off , then say something like “Looks like a movie ok we will buy it” “Or this looks odd so forget about it” … uuuurrrggghh so frustrating. I know I have said very little about Knight of the Dead and unlike some reviews I have seen that dare say “worst film ever”, I feel it;s only sin is of being boring and just dragging on. It again makes me remember my hate for P-51 Dragon Fighter. Its a movie of world war II fighter pilots versus dragons like had ok special effects. How do you make that boring? It feels like someone asked the director that and his answer was “hold my beer”. 

The first two photos anyone has ever seen from ASSAULT ON THE SNAKEMEN… and 2 GIFS of Austin Mombourquette everything else is shrouded in mystery for now… hell I just rewrote half the story yesterday… gonna be funny folks… just saying…

image
image
image
image

Happy 20th anniversary Blair Witch Project

So 20 years ago The Blair Witch project came to theatres and forever doomed theatrical horror to be about tension building up to just jump scares with half ass story telling or effort that allowed the meme generation to live strong in the horror world.  Damning us to major released found footage movies, which only 1 in 100 are worthwhile, but that means some are worth it, I guess. Over the years I have come to enjoy the movie perhaps due to nostalgia and irony. Hell my band in college even wrote a song called he big bitch project in honor of it(yeah we sure were high brow humorists).

   If you know me you know I love cheap movies so that’s not the problem. But as much as I am in denial of how long it’s been and how influential it’s been, you can ask my long time buddy Peter who went to the movies with me to see it way back then how I felt. The rant I was having as we left the cinema that day still stands with me today. I said .. “ I made that movie when I was 9 in the woods behind my house with a vhs tape loading camera. My nose was as equally as runny as the girl in that wobbly movie, take that realism. OOOww look at me, I have nothing to show you, so I will just shake the camera a bunch. Shiiiiitt.”  But Blair Witch made millions by adding the word “art” to peoples minds and telling everyone that wobbly close up camera work is eerie when to me it was actually just nausea. Shit I was a ranting old man back then in my teens so imagine how old and bitchy I am now a days. Oh wait you just read that, so you would know. So get off my lawn! Now go stand in the corner and I will film you, we will make millions. Yep that’s the end of the movie folks some dude staring at a wall, oh sorry SPOILERS… you had 20 fucking years to see it folks. 

oooohhh wwooo Ooooowwwwww… Fart.  Did you hear that? I think something is out there … do you hear it?….  Nope.. Nothing important is out there… move on! 

I wish the lost trio of film makers from Blair Witch project found the Necronomicon out in those woods so The Evil Dead could eat them then Ash could chainsaw them. Now that would have been fun.

Which would you prefer?

Sci-Fighters (1996) in some smaller releases known as Contagion 2009

A healthy looking Roddy Piper with a haircut that makes him look like Richard Dead Anderson is a cop walking off the beaten path who has to run down an old enemy that he thought was dead. 

I watched this today because the villain is the recently passed Billy Drago who plays insane killer and mysterious disease career Adrian Dunn. Adrian died in prison on the moon but when an alien virus reanimated him he ended up wandering around Earth infecting people while on a day trip of raping and killing. What makes things worse is Roddy Piper was the cop that put him away when Dunn killed his wife. So obviously Roddy Piper wants a shot at him again. What also makes things worse is the smoggy Earth in the future of 2009 is in a full year of darkness due to volcanoes and pollution. So when a dying melting virus fueled man is walking around no one could tell the difference anyways cause no one looks all that healthy.  This movie is almost Split Second meets the Incredible Melting Man. Shot as good and polish in an ugly future like Split Second but with as illogical a threat and dumb a concept as the Incredible Melting man.

Dr Kirbie Younger is trying to figure out a cure for the disease that has hit the streets when she gets mixed up with Roddy Pipers manhunt. Now this all seems to pretty regular small action sci fi film fodder , if you take in to context that this is future 2009 in Boston but is obviously filmed in Canada. As the movie goes on though you seem to think this sick old melty man could easily be taken out and maybe Roddy Piper’s character is just a little over dramatic. We get many excuses for Dr Kirbie to unbutton her shirt and show her sweaty cleavage. Not that I have a problem with that but the cheap reasons to make it “pop out” seem very forced and almost funny in a movie that is not that badly shot and run with decent dialog for such a cheesy concept.  I also need to point out a pointless piece of trivia, the actress that plays Dr Kirbie is Jayne Heitmeyer she was in two episodes of Degrassi as a character called Toni Stark… just felt the need to share that.

Look at this artsy shot of the doctor talking to Piper as Piper is reflected on a plastic sheet around the sick patients/victims of Billy Drago.

Billy Drago always looked a little melting but impressively they make him look worse.

In the end when Drago and Piper final face out it takes place in an unfinished building that feels reminiscent to the end of Runaway (the Tom Selleck robot movie). Piper suits up with heavy weaponry that seems really unnecessary. You feel like Dr Kirbie could have taken Drago out herself but they needed the two guys stand off. While Sicky skeleton face Drago is shouting out the more sickly he gets the more he sounds like Tommy Wiseau. So seriously just imagine drunk Tommy Wiseau fighting Roddy Piper with a Richard Dean Anderson hair cut on scaffolding. Do you have the time to get through every thing in the middle of this movie? That is up to you. I will say the opening scene does start with two convicts in a buzzsaw fight but that is just the beginning.. that its a lot of Billy Dragon drooling and puking. So will you survive the middle of this movie? Again thats up to you.  A few months ago I reviewed CyberZone and if you liked that you will like this. 

RIP Piper and Drago but you know what they say gold polish on a turd is a still a turd…. or something like that.

Bad Canadian movies Eh.. Happy Canada day

Its 2 am.. .so if your up and your mind is a drift I have compiled a list of movies that I screened at Terrible Toonie Tuesday OR Terrible Two Day Fest that are NOW available on Tubitv .. you can now watch back to back in order of when I screened then (NOTE THEY ALL APPEARED ON TUBI AFTER I SCREENED THEM… weird)

NIGHTBEAST, AXE GIANT, NEON MANIACS, SEXSQUATCH , GHOSTHOUSE, CEMETERY GATES, HOUSESHARK, NIGHT OF THE BLOODY APES, … night of the bloody apes was just recently added… sooomebodies watching me….more true than you think… Enjoy the binge watch