Category: Bad movies

Ohhhh fucking Shit watch Robowar right now…..

Ohhhh fucking Shit watch Robowar right now.. originally title battle bots but the distributor changed the title so you would think it was other products but not to be mixed with the Reb Brown movie. .. buuut seriously Robowar is streaming now so fucking watch it now.. it is amazingly cutting every fucking corner.. soooo much passion made out of household items found in your kitchen. Soooo much intensity by actors who have no idea what acting is. A dollar store Robot jox and Fury Road done the way of Hardware Wars budget yet done dead seriously.   

A post apocalyptic world taken over by a silver man known as Cesar (played by Jeff Kirkendall one of the main stays of the recent Polonia universe) and his army of androids who are about to make a final strike against a rebel group low rent soldiers and mutants (very low rent). The rebels plan to take over one of the old giant mechs from the old war and use it to fight back, but Cesar is taking over one of the last giant robots as well. …. Sounds good right… well it is to me.. buuuuuuuut maybe just not good in the way you think, buuuut if you know me then you know where I am going with this. 

The giant mechs are guys in not terrible but definitely not good home made robot suits and they do not try very hard to make you feel that they are giant except to have them fight in a quarry like a Power ranger villian that only fights using the Captain Kirk double axe handle attack … good enough folks.. good a fucking nuff.

Cheaper and weaker then most fan films. But for all the quality nerd effects and cosplayer costume magic Polonia backyard movies have more love to give.

Rocking full length which the snazzy polished fan films of the internet cant say and taking more chances with bozo ridiculous ideas then any snobby internet tech nerd ever would. 

Oh that halloween mask on the mutant Squirrel and those garage band sound effects that I used a lot in Personal Space Invader 2 haha.. good shit guys good shit. Big rubber novelty thumb up. 

Yes sometimes you are laughing at this more than with this but the insane dialogue and recognisable household products or Spirits of halloween items as props and costumes will bring a  wonderfully innocent laughter even if it is a bit mocking. Wait till Mark Polonia cameos and has a speech only to be followed up by a scene with the worlds worst super imposed fire.  Ohhh when the one guys mask is upside down in a scene you honestly can not tell if that is an inside joke or a mistake. That is the magical wonder of taking a shitty b movie dead seriously. I commend the crew so much for it.  

For my Bad movie Christmas party we watched the Polonia bros wonder known as Feeders 2 Slay Bells. Staring Mark Polonia himself and his family as their home is attacked by tiny vicious aliens (made out of styrofoam balls and pipe cleaners) and only Santa himself can save the family before Christmas is ruined. Filled in with a huge flash back to the first movie that has next to nothing to do with the sequel. I always loved that movie and was shocked how much my club members loved seeing it at the party. People were having so much fun laughing at it and yet cheering on the characters to keep doing what they were doing. Fun at the expense of the actors yet praising them so hard as well for trying so gosh darn hard… yes gosh darn.. i said it gosh fucking darn,

I really hope the club and all of you get to see RoboWar and Frozen Sasquatch as they are the movies Mark Polonia and his regular posse made in the last year. Cheaper and worse than an Asylum movie yet so much fucking better at the same time.  Here is a much quicker article I wrote on Frozen Sasquatch if you dare https://riotatthemovies.tumblr.com/post/179910556272/oh-shit-son-the-polonia-bros-movie-frozen

Thank you for still doing this Mark FN Polonia

IT’s TONIGHT YOU MERRY MOTHER FUCKERS! Tonigh…

IT’s TONIGHT YOU MERRY MOTHER FUCKERS!

Tonight is the night for twisted Christmas Cheer. I hope that all of you will be here….. oh yeah look at that rhyme … https://www.facebook.com/events/179510532979443/

X mas fundraiser cause I am a grinchy geek :)

Holiday fundraiser 55 cents Canadian on your paypal buddy! This is a mini archive of Riots last bad movie reviews and posts before his blog would shut down in a co protest against censoring and selling out. Underground DIY movies for life. The 50 cents you paid to download this zine of rude drunken rambling on bad movies goes to the christmas toy drive Riot has been running already in progress at the eyesore cinema seasonal movie screenings. Also comes with an E copy of Riots second book Bad movies and booze. Just available until the blog shuts down on new years day. Yeesss I know protests like that are usually more self harming then positive. But it is really just an excuse for me to be reborn in a new better way. We will see you all again soon my freaky friends. 

Thanks again.

Only 55 cents on your pay pal goes to the charity and you get the Zine recap and my second book… boooya

Both the 2018 recap Zine and the Bad movies and booze book come in Epub file and simple txt and picture document for your easy reading. Have a laugh for the holidays. https://payhip.com/b/j7wM

This is the only article that will appear on my page on the 17th cause I am a trouble making asshat.  

The Elf (2017)

The Elf (2017)

I love Christmas themed horror films and well… THIS FUCKING SUCKED! 

And you know me I LOVE shitty movies. The more home made and flawed the better someone. But fuck this movie. 

Made during the height of the Elf on a Shelf meme craze. Made by producer director Justin Price. He is one of the b studio goons that make a handful of crap zero budget movies a year just so they can plaster them all over the internet and wal mart with a cool cover to make you think you are buying something real.  You the kind that make a shit bad cgi sci fi with a has been action actor and then the next week make a Christmas movie.Unlike  the do it  yourself super indi backyard horror guys that actually give a damn about a idea no matter how shitty it is. Instead this guy makes a shitty Christmas movie with a bad cgi killer in it and actors even more plastic then the killer plastic doll.

The plot  is a couple inherit a toy shop that carried a curse (but who cares as most of the movie takes place at their oddly large house) and invite family over for Christmas.  Well the guy who gained the house has no family and he may be going crazy too. However his girlfriend who just comes off as an extreme bitch is inviting her family. Everyone hates the boyfriend cause he seems to be losing his mind. But they all seem like assholes anyway so who cares. Luckily after a very long time of people just mumbling to each other like as if every actor was paid in drugs to make this movie eventually a tiny killer elf comes and kills them all.. nuff said.

There is one good scene where carolers get massacred by the elf using either magic at warp speed. Its soooo stupid but so much more fun than the rest of the bumbling paced movie that it feels like someone else made it.

Fuck this movie. Everyone in this movie is terrible. They look like real actors all probably have agents and try to make a living off being extras. But each one of them does not give a fuck. The sound is off so many lines mumble away as the next person is so loud.. usually the annoying girlfriend is the loudest. Man is she annoying. There is a twist at the end involving her that you will noooot give a fuck about cause you don’t give a fuck about her to begin with. She has some paining looking lip injections and those plastic surgery eye brows that look like she is always surprised, yet her eyes are half baked it is like she is surprised but unimpressed at the exact same fucking time. She is constantly complaining about her boyfriend who is starting to lose it but you just don’t care and wish the elf would get her first. Granted the mumbling boyfriend whos way of acting that he is in a cloud of confusion is to move slowly and mumble so much I am sure he is just drunk and not actually acting. Seriously people in this movie just fucking move! I don’t mean they have to run away from the killer elf, that would help to, but just stop standing around and wobbling there low voice grumbling about life like a bunch of junkie valley girls at the mall.  The loser and going nuts boyfriend is given shit by his girlfriend and family he should just tell them to fuck off. He wouldn’t know if his girlfriend was shocked of not by his words cause her eyes brows always look like that anyways so who cares.

Seriously people over 30 talking like mallrats makes me insane. Maaaybe if this was funny and they were supposed to be like that it would make sense.. but its not. 

Now lets talk about the elf. The elf does some weird shit for no reason…. and taaakesss forrrrever to actually do anything. When the elf puts himself in a christmas box just to cut out of it and giggle for no reason is super confusing and feels a hell of a lot like padding oh and warning that specific scene is more suspenseful then most of the movie.. yeah its that bad. But you do kind of route for the elf to just kill the annoying people which is saying something. Even if classic little killer issue occurs where the elves gives someone a small stab to the leg makes that makes them forget how to walk so he can slash the hell out of them until they either die or just miraculously remember how to walk again and run away incase they are needed to pad out another scene. (does my writing sound angry?… I don’t know)

 The Elf is also flashed between cgi walking Elf to a toy elf attacking people. The toy looks scarier then the cgi and in fact looks like the toymaker and the computer graphic designer never communicated cause they definitely made two very different looking Elves.

Oh and there are rules for this killer elf but the drozing sleep inducing dialog from actors that do not want to be there makes me forget what they are completely.

Look how unimpressed they are.

This was over a year ago and its not free to stream (you have better things to do even for fucking free… I do this shit so you don’t have to) … and this just in… FUCK NO…. They made a sequel. ELVES just came out this year. The trailer makes it look like it may not try to take itself seriously since it knows it is that bad. Also seems to have monsters and people turning into evil elves with the most nauseating computer effect face morphing you have ever seen. Ah Fuck  it I will probably watch it to cause I obviously hate myself at this time of year. 

Wooo sorry for being so fucking negative guys. But this movie made my normal headaches worse. 

I always say this… If your movie is stupid just own it and make it fun. You can play it straight but believing you’re stupid idea is serious is not the same thing.

I love Christmas horror movies, Jack Frost, Silent Night Deadly Night 1 to a million, Black X mas (love that remake oh yeah) Elves (the Canadian one from the 80s.) even the recent Christmas Horror story anthology flick. But some of the really recent ones just simply jumping a band wagon with hip instagram model era actors in them or worse smarmy kids. Seriously The Elf from 2017 makes me wanna say bah humbug all over your face!

A sugar plum thumb down in the dirt.

Dreaming Purple Neon (2016)

Dreaming Purple Neon (2016)

Ooohhh Todd Sheets, you did it again. 

My love for Todd Sheets is definitely not the quality or even the originality but the honest passion on an uphill battle with no money or people that have ever taken an acting course in their life. True pure passion fueled films.

Attempting to make the ultimate grindhouse flick and homaging his own previous om nom nom slimey zombie filled movie past.  

The problem is this movie goes on too damn long and the elements it takes it time on are often the least effective. 

Two absolutely ridiculous, hilarious and kind of awesome gangsters kill a man who failed to collect on a drug deal for them start off this film. Making it feel like a 70s crime thriller blaxploitation. They scare a witness who they have to track down. The witness called Cat steals some of the gangster drugs to give to the cops as evidence, a drug called Purple Neon. Foolishly she stops to meet a friend on the way to the cops (always a rookie mistake) The gangsters Ray Ray and Tyrone track her down to a dentist’s office where we meet several other supporting cast members.  Having all the mix match of random characters in a lockdown situation.

Just before this we meet our romantic lead, an extremely rambling main male lead type of character who sadly is the worst actor of the cast. Classic story element of a guy called Dallas who is a young man returning to his home town to visit the love of his youth after he had left the small town due to a random embarrassment or controversy that is rarely important to the plot.  He looks like a cross between Onyx the fortuitous and Eyesore regular Liam Pendergast. His side story is the love story to the film which is something you completely forget about yet very obviously you know it will be the final story arc of this movie, cause that just how these stories go. 

These stories build arcs with the witness, the gangsters, the hometown boy and his lover and random friend as well as the other random people they meet as a hostage issue happens in the dentist office. Say that in one breathe. Anyways this grows and grows making you forget this is supposed to be an insane horror movie that will get super fucking weird. It takes a long time to get there but when it does it turns into Dr Who meets an Andreas Schnaas Violent Shit movie.  They discover a creepy dude rents the basement of the dentist office and his produces the drugs that the gangsters sell. The drug called Purple Neon. However it gets fucking weird when they discover the drug is actually a protoplasm made from victims of an insane demonic cult that are being held hostage in the basement. Making people into demonically possessed razor sharp fanged zombies.

The bizarre mismash of characters get locked in the catacombs of the basement as they run for their lives from cult monsters and mutants. Lots of weird torture nudity but basically displayed out like a carnival sideshow so we can see it as the characters run by. 

A tag line on the dvd says Think you’ve seen it all? Think again! Well  I will be honest a lot of  this I have seen before. But it does end with them accidentally freeing a world destroying goddess in a ending bit of chaos you won’t see coming even after my warning right now.  But the part that sticks out the most is like every bad ass b movie horror, you need that one original stand out kill. 

My favorite of the two gangsters (SPOILER) is killed in a bizarre demon torture machine that is reminiscent to the torture device that the devil makes Homer Simpson eat donuts forever. Yeah you remember that bit. But instead of being chained down and having donuts drilled into your mouth the gangster is facing the other way and a drill is destroying his genitals into oblivion. The clincher of that scene is when the other characters of the movie run into that run and witness this happening but don’t really react to it as if it’s not that big a deal on comparison to everything else. I mean granted they were running for their lives and they had seen some shit already but still there is a dead man strapped to a table as a machine continues to drill into his balls and he is already dead. Damn son!

Man actors shared in this as well as Todd Sheets other projects like Bone Hill Road and the forth coming Clownado. Even some elements that tease it to be an extended Todd Sheets cinematic universe .. DUN DUN DUN!

Remember when From Dusk Till Dawn started out as a dark crime thriller and you started to forget it was a madhouse demon filled horror show and when it finally turned into  that it went insane and blew your mind? Well Dreaming Purple Neon is not that… buuuuut it kinda is. It feels like From Dusk Till Dawn crossed with a high school play and all the kids in the cast are adults and high as shit. 

So yeah I give it a big purple thumb up! But I think it would have been better less sober.

Terrordactyle (2016)

Terrordactyle (2016)

A simple and stupid sci fi tv network released cgi monster movie comedy.  In the vein of Lavalantula and every MEga Shark movie we get Pterodactyls from space.  This stands out cause the characters are much better (still all losers but) than the plastic Megashark and whatever monster vs whatever monsters of late. Also not as obnoxious as the Lavalantula and Sharknados guys. Two dumb dudes find a meteorite which ends but being an egg along with the invading flock of near a 1000 more pterodactyls from space. They are joined by a bar waitress that just happens to be a weapons expert and very educated in meteorites. She didn’t need to be that smart cause the two main dudes are so dumb you did not have to impress us to show us she is way smarter then them. Also joined by a creepy old drunk marine that happens to have a lot of weapons thus somehow making this motley crew a better then to the invading monsters then the police and local military were.  This movie is close to Big Ass Spider just not AS funny. Yet not as awful as the million of asylum type movies that are exactly like this. Decent actors (for this kind of schlock crap movie) and shockingly decent cgi and practical monsters (practical when the monsters are dead so they don’t have to move) Great monster jumbo sized climax that also puts it up there with Big Ass Spider or the great uncle of these flicks 8 Legged Freaks.. just with giant and sometimes extra giant flying dino birds.

Hellooooooo

Sooooo with black friday coming up I ask something a tad different. Do NOT buy my books off amazon over the next few days. I don’t want Amazon to gain anything over those days. INSTEAD I would LOVE if you simply downloaded both my E books on bad movies for only 1.50 CAD …. suuuupper cheap. I will keep both books (together) at that cheap price till Monday. SO that is two books on B movies and just BAD MOVIES for next to nothing. Also no waste of paper or time and you download it from a smaller company called PAYHIP … 

RIGHT HERE CLICK THIS LINK! https://payhip.com/b/i8B9 

 ALSO Any profit on this I will use to buy toys for my Geek Swappers toy drive.So win win! Thanks again !  

Flesh feast (1970) filmed in 66/67Instead of r…

Flesh feast (1970) filmed in 66/67

Instead of reviewing this super low b grindhouse low bar flick that jumps on the blood feast bandwagon with a they kept hitler brain mix in… I will just repost the wikipedia full explanation which is juuuusst this… 

Dr. Elaine Frederick, a mad scientist, is working on developing maggots that prefer human flesh, while her services are used to make a clone of Adolf Hitler. She cooperates with the plan to resurrect Hitler as a way of exacting revenge for the death of her mother, a political prisoner executed in Ravensbrück concentration camp. While convincing everyone the flesh-eating maggots are for regeneration research, she simply wants to throw them in the resurrected Hitler’s face, which she does.

And thats all anyone needs to write.

Veronica Lake’s last role.. bummer… 

Foodfight! (2013)

Foodfight! (2013)

After a full day of watching bad cartoons and children programing I finally had the guts to sit and watch the mother load of animated shite films. 

Trying to compete with Dreamsworks and Disney movies like Shrek and Toy Story came one of the biggest mistakes in American films. I suppose more trying to compete with Hoodwinked and kids movies like that we get Foodfight made on an extreme budget. Trying to get 80 million but fell into 50 million as funders backed out. It was enough money to get a huge and I mean HUGE voice actors list of television superstars like Hilary Duff, Eva Longoria, Wayne Brady, Christopher Lloyd and Charlie Sheen as the lead of Dex the dog detective. These roles were recorded somewhere in 2006 yet being released in 2013 right in the height of Charlies Sheens fall into madness and Tiger blood terrorising. Making the film release seen ironic and actually quite tasteless.  

The film is like many animated movie as animal heros live in a self aware world but don’t have time to deal with the fact that they know they are cartoons and are ok with it. They have a murder mystery and world take over plan that they have to stop if they want to keep living in a cheery world. A cheery world made of product mascots including cameos by real mascots like Charlie the Tuna, Mr Peanut, Punchy from Hawaiian Punch, The California Raisins and even Mr Clean himself. Coming off like a huge advertisement if it wasn’t for the real life characters are all extremely dated as the main characters are just made up. The weirdest plot points are the odd running gags of fake swear words and the elusion to real murder. Murder of these characters that you won’t feel for as you realise they are just mascots that come to life every night in a grocery store that turns into a mini city every night when the sun goes down. Yep really dumb even for kids yet oddly too rude for kids at the same time.  Especially a character voiced by the films producer called Cheasle the Cheese Weasel who is a weasel made of cheeze wiz but obviously actually animated to be running poop and we were not supposed to get it.

The real killer is the WORST computer animation you have ever seen in a movie with a real voice cast and a real world wide release.

The issue was that the company went bankrupt after paying the stars and the animation was fought between different filler workers. The film was released by its insurance company which explains the poor timing of it’s release with Charlie Sheen. The film ends up looking somewhere between a hybrid of a cheap religious cartoon like veggietales, cut scenes from a video game dubbed over for comedy and posted on youtube mixed with the clip art used in shit shows like The Amazing Bulk. Seriously it looks like it’s all preanimated characters taken from different things with a basic dubbed over comedy track. Definitely a lot of the background items and costume pieces were used before this. Nothing makes real contact with each other, they simply hope for the best when mouths move. The camera moves around the characters like a PS2 game camera that accidentally moves people out of frame The fits with the dead eyes and repetitive motions from the characters.  Produced by the guy that brought you both Mortal Kombat movies ending up in an epic children movie filled with fart jokes that no one reacts to. Deep down it feels like someone was told what a dreamworks animated movie was but never actually saw one.  Oh fuck wait till you see the humans like Christopher Lloyd’s character that moves like an N64 video glitch video montage. Also a tiny fight scene with Hilary Duff makes The Amazing Bulk seem like it knew what it was doing.

image

Officially the movie is a cursed item and if I didn’t move my eyes away from the screen often enough I think an evil spirit of Keebler elves or something will get into my brain and make my eyes bleed out of my nose until I died. With the last thing I hear is Charlie Sheen and Wayne Brady doing the most generic cartoon impression of themselves as I died.

January’s Terrible toonie tuesday bad movie pa…

January’s Terrible toonie tuesday bad movie party will be about the rather awful and awfully funny movie Cemetery Gates from 2006. It’s about a genetically altered tasmanian devil that gets loose in a graveyard and kills everyone in its way.  Its offensive a little bit by content but more so by the fact it assumes it’s audience is so dumb cause the films logic is bad almost always. But the absurd characters that will always remind you of people you hate and then one of the most ridiculous looking monsters since a 1950s Corman movie will make it all worth while. 

Now a big warning as I only figured this out yesterday… 

I chose this movie because we recently played the Rage which has a lot in common with this movie. Both have a lot of fake blood, dumb stoner characters , an important cameo by Reggie Bannister, Rage is made by Robert Kurtzman of KNB studios and Cemetery Gates has a weird cameo by Greg Nicotero of KNB (but the movie was definitely not made by him) HOWEVER things get more twisted in connection to recent screenings when I realised Cemetery Gates is directed by Roy Knyrim … the dude who directed the ICP DEATHRACERS flick for Asylum…   oohhhhh nooooooooooooooooooooooooo

You have been warned.. you have been warned… Jan 8th starts a whole new year of pain at Terrible Toonie Tuesday.. However we still have December 11th which will be a blast. Hope to see you all again soon.