Category: Bad movies

The Refrigerator (1991)

The Refrigerator (1991)

Sometimes known as Attack of the Killer Refrigerator but so not to be mistaken by the short film of the same name from the year before it is often just shown as The Refrigerator.   For years I had seen the short and there for thought the full length film was the same thing. As the short was released on a wide release vhs along with other shorts. 

 The short is a silly shot on a video home movie played totally straight as drunken party goers get eaten by a fridge in oddly gorey ways.

The full length film made a year later has no connection to the short (at least not what I found) is a slightly avante garde couples comedy. If it was a major released movie it would star a young Tom Hanks and Shelly Long reenacting Money Pit where somehow at the end we find out the house is actually cursed and alive and it eats and kills all their friends. Sadly it is not that big of a film so we get some first time actors that have to try some odd over acting on purpose to cover up the lack of skill and script. A young couple move into the cheap part of town to a cheap apartment to save money. In the apartment is an ancient fridge that is messing with their heads and making mayhem secretly. We get to meet some interesting side character like the building superintendent / repairman who is also a salsa / tap dancer.  When the fridge actually does kill some people there is some shocking legit blood splatter as the refrigerator om nom nom noms its victims. However the rest of the film is a yuppie / economy referencing hip comedy that feels like Money Pit meets Joe’s Apartment that dips into a troma comedy and Microwave Massacre. Ahh Microwave Massacre and straight out comedy that doesn’t even try to be serious but still knows its rooted in sleazy horror in all its slimy roots. The Refrigerator (1991) feels like its being a heavily ironic David Lynch project as its more about mental break down and loss of reality from the stress of the adult american life style. Which maybe I am just a burnout horror geek I just feel you gotta be really good to live up to that and this movie couldn’t possible actually be that.  A review on the tape box compares it to Rosemary’s Baby… ummm ok and Death Bed the bed that eats is comparable to Casablanca meets Jacob’s Ladder. Suuuure. 

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In 2015 some guys made a new short with the same name that has some wacky special effects as aliens come out of their fridge. 

But that being said I still prefer the home movie original 1990 short in all its crappy glory. It feels like you found someone home movie joke that you were never supposed to see. Especially in the scene where a drunk guy gets out of bed to check whos being attacked by the fridge and the camera stays on him until it notices his balls are showing and it quickly moves away. Also equally silly om nom nom action from fridge that eats you all up. There are clips of the original short on youtube but it takes more to effort to find the full 16 minute short but it is worth it.

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31 days of Halloweeners

31 days of Horror B movies. 

I am so tired and its been a crazy few days so my reviews have been half assed. Except on Sunday you guys seemed to like that one. 

So instead of doing a review I am going to post a very old video review I did years ago before this blog that no one ever watched.

Thanks to Ian Butt for inspiring me to rewatch this…

DARKNESS aka DARKNESS THE VAMPIRE VERSION 

I am going to sleep now

Bikini Swamp Girl Massacre (2014)Doesn’t Bikin…

Bikini Swamp Girl Massacre (2014)

Doesn’t Bikini Girl Swamp Massacre make more sense?

I am trying to find ever b horror that is a riff on Slumber party massacre… so something to do with girls and usually the word massacre.  There are so many.. last slumber party, clown camp massacre, summer camp massacre, psycho sleepover, cheerleader massacre 1 and 2, Spring break massacre camp… yeah there is a lot and pretty much all crap. Yet some crap in an entertaining way. Bikini Girl Swamp Massacre is… alllmost that. It had one or two wink wink silly parts to admit to you that they know this movie stinks but for how stinky this movie is I am very impressed how straight they play it. 

A group of women go on a backwoods retreat in the adirondacks with a swamp tour guide. A tour guy that already accidental fed some other tourists to an insane man in the swamp. The girls are shockingly attractive for this cheap a movie but its the suuuuuuper fucking awkward killer that will make you remember this one. The killer is not just some random masked assailant. He is a tomahawk waving insane native stereotype headhunter. Going by the name of 

Coowahchohee and talking in a racist Tonto accent with face paint similar to that of the cannibals from Cannibal Ferox. As soon as you meet the killer its obvious that it is played by a white guy so immediately you just wanna say RAAACCIST. But what makes it ALMOST interesting is that it becomes obvious that the killer is a white man who just lost his mind after living in the swamp for too long and he thinks he is some mixed up stereotype persona. … I guess that makes it better. I guess?

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Also the real charm is the terrible acting and the lack of music. People get killed and the actresses barely react. Same with all the walk on extras who deliver all the dead pan. “Oh no 

Coowahchohee please don’t kill me… oh no… please no.. oh no.” Their line delivers are so dead pan and emotional at first I thought it was that the characters are being sarcastic… buuuut I think its just literally reading off cue cards. OR just shit acting….. pssst secret is… its just shit acting.

There is barely any plot. Some funny stuff at the beginning a decent final girl escapes the killer scene at the end. But outside of that you just watch one of the girls fuck up her foot and then we watch everyone freak out about for for like 30 odd minutes.

Strange however cause sometimes when the girls are talking to each other they seem to get into the roles. Then the very next second they sound like kids who were forced into performing a high school play in front of their parents. I can’t possible type words lackluster enough to do it justice. I dare you to experience. Drink a few margaritas first though .

Mr Butt had an awesome Pinky Violence screening tonight.. but the I watched a 31 days of halloween crap horror film…. And holy shit folks I think I watched one of the worst for the season. I am trying to watch cheesy b horror films I have not scene before.. and this is a dangerous landmind field to walk in.

31 days of Halloweeners

31 days of Halloweeners

JACK-O (1995)

I always thought this was even older then 1995.  Anyways I have spoken about this movie to death… read my first book on bad movies it is definitely in there on how it introduced me and addicted me on home made horror crapola.

Hilarious cheap and feels like a bad nickelodeon kids horror movie except we sees boobs and people get brutally killed with the most cliche homemade gore gags.

A little boy, played by the director sons and who looks like he hates doing anything in this movie, is haunted by the family curse of the killer pumpkin man. Some how he stops the pumpkin man after a few random neighbours are killed on halloween night. How he does it is not important just know it feels like a Canadian made for tv movie in the 80s but shockingly isn’t. One actress won her role in the movie on the Phil Donahue show as a P R stunt for this no budget movie and for an excuse to not have to pay an actress. 

Best parts are the legendary scream queen Linnea Quigley as the babysitter that has a no reason show. Quigley looking in that odd random of sometimes looks 21 other seconds looks 49. Odd. I love her so though 🙂

Then the cameos by two legends of b film that had been dead for years as they cut in scenes of Cameron Mitchell and John Carradine. Carradine is in fact a major part of the plot and they speak his his ghosts, which is obviously blurred in his face from another movie and dubbing over random dialog.

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Fred Olen Ray produced it but basically as a way to use no money and get his name on Phil Donahue in a horror movie mix media stunt. He obviously didn’t care what actually happened to the film. Thus leading to a dvd release 20 years later and having one of the worst commentary track ever. Search youtube as it has the commentary track on it and you hear Olen ray seem to get into a legit fight with the director. It is amazingly awkward. Almost as amazingly awkward as the awful performance by one of the worst child actors ever. I think the kid hated doing it so much he is pouting and not acting on purpose to upset his dad. Or he was sedated on heavy drugs.. one of those two is the right answer I am sure of it.

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I screened it tonight to the secret film club at Eyesore. Only about 10 people there and all were top notch regulars though. Remind me not to have a film partying gathering the same night the Laserblast guys do I guess… waahhh waahhhh. Smallest audience I think I have had yet. I hope that is not a sign of the time. But even if it is it was a great audience that totally got it and enjoyed it. Also kudos to the two raffle prize winners and Andy for bringing extra halloween goodie bags to go along with all the candy and junk food I brought to the party. Hope to see you wacky people again soon. Gatherings for B cheesy horror films are the best. 

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Halloween is in full effect now.

31 days of halloweeners

WNUF HALLOWEEN SPECIAL (2013)

Pretending to be a found video “VHS” recording a local tv news stations halloween special from the mid 80s. 

I thought of watching this after seeing a friends post that there 31 days of horror choice of the English tv special from 1991 called GHOST WATCH which is without a doubt the inspiration for this American movie.

Ghostwatch stars actually tv news and variety show talent and luls you into believing its real as new reporters do a live tv special from a haunted house and things start to get out of hand. That was also aired live in England and due to recognisable tv faces and a super slow start it tricked a lot of people. Especially if you starting watching a quarter of the way in. Very War of Worlds effect on some people at the time. Definitely check out Ghostwatch if you can. Lots of slow parts but thats to make you forget that this isn’t just a regular ghost tv show special. So when the ghost start to actually do stuff you start to catch yourself say “wait what the fuck” out loud. 

The WNUF HALLOWEEN SPECIAL is not that slick and a tad more cheesie than that. Wnuf does not exist as a station as far as I know but America had so many tiny local stations, so what do I know. 

They do a great job of making it the 80s again though with the quality of film and the cast of extras all are done up very well without going over the top with unrealistic 80s cliches. The plot is similar as a live on the spot news host is going to enter a haunted house live on the news as a audience waits outside. What makes this a little less fun is the constant joke of silly 80s commercials that are added in. Mocking the concept that 80s American 80s was really a light dressing around a flood of commercials. Obviously the commercials are fake too but they are much more obviously fake. The news segments need to make a few jokes once in a while too which takes you out of the illusion but they are enjoyable characters so i am ok with it. Some of the actors acting is so bad it takes you away a bit. However the actor that plays the host Frank (played by

Paul Fahrenkopf ) is great and you want to believe he is a news host from the 80s so much you make yourself believe you have seen him before. The psychics that Frank the host brings in to get a reading from the house are also very funny. It’s just the commercials that are the problem as they stop being funny really fast and every so often they get fast forwarded through to make it seem like you are watching someones vhs tape of it.. but why would the fast forwarding be on the recording? … Oh …wait this dvd is haunted and it’s fast forwarding itself.. son of a bitch…. I would need to be way more high to actually think that. I also don’t think it was too fool anyone it was just another of the very popular 80s retro vhs era flash back references. And unless your 12 you re member what a vhs fast forward was like. So it’s not that interesting to see them simulate a vhs players effect so often. If you don’t remember what it was like to use a vcr, I am sure you don’t read my blog or at least did not care enough to read this far.   But thanks if you are.

What the WNUF Halloween Special is for is for the people like me that remember going to independent drug stores that pushed Halloween sales of plastic body suit and sharp masks kids costumes. The Ben Cooper kind and the franchised rip offs like that. Also bags and bags of gross hard taffy halloween candy with orange wrappers with witches and ghosts on them. If that’s not an aesthetic that you remember or stuck with you then the warm and fuzzy trick or treating effect that the WNUF HALLOWEEN special has may not work on you. 

The ending is great though, even for modern horror fans. Without spoiling it, when this seem to get creepy and maybe the ghosts are real we get a twist that says, is someone playing a prank or is this a real ghost or is this something actually darker….. hmmm. Guess you will have to watch the movie to find out.  

The film makers later made Call Girl of Cthulhu, which.. eeehh its OK. However that movies has a small cameo by the WNUF on site host Frank and that totally made my day. So check out Call Girl Of Cthulhu if you want a legit comedy with classic horror. WNUF HALLOWEEN Special if you want some real horror comedy that just brings back the kid in you. And don’t for get the much old BBC project GHOSTWATCH that is a legit landmark in scare tactics in television projects. 

This is another super late night rambling mad mans review in this 31 days of horror movies… as Elvira always says… Unpleasant dreams.

31 DAYS OF HALLOWEENERS!

31 DAYS OF HALLOWEENERS!

Keeping with the Scream Queen slasher flicks we go back to the 80s where the genre was still fun and not totally ironic. Well actually we just missed the 80s and its 1990. So the irony is starting to happen and self homaging is starting already but its still pretty fun. Gorgeous girls only ruined by their 80s big hair dues and jerk guys just waiting to get killed by both a on the run criminal and a monster in the woods. Teenagers played by 30 year olds go to a cabin and eventually after a lot of padding are going to die. After they either drink or shower and random cops pretend there is a sub plot. 

Actually the whole creature being from hell element with some magically Satanic cave element is super confusing but who cares it’s a monster from Satan so that is hilariously cool. What is important is Boobs and some blood and true sleaze sarcastic horror cliche characters. Filmed close to the quality and style of man lower level slasher of the time like Sorority and Slumber party massacre but still a little cheap as all the sound was done in post. So lots of shots of actors from the side so you cant see them talking as they knew it was all going to be dubbed. Lots of funny scenes that may have been boring padding at the time but comes off funny to people like me now due to the cliche and obvious tactics in hindsight. When your opening scene is a cute girl on her bike distracting cops as a chain gang go rogue and kill people which cuts to the hilarious title and showing the first actresses name of Debra Dutch.. you know you got scream queen quality coming up. Debra has done a lot of stuff but best is Hard to Die.. a true scream queen masterpiece of schlock and roll. If you don’t know that movie we must not have met… cause i talk about it a lot.

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Cheese factor heavy… script factor low.. confusing level very high… sleaze just right

Takes a long time to get into the slashing but until then you watch a lot of overcompensating yet completely unironic B movie characters and for me at this thats half the journey. 

Ok tomorrow I think I need to mix it up with the genre, if I’m not careful I am gonna go blind or something

31 days of Halloweeners!

31 days of Halloweeners!

LAAAAAME!!!

You call your movie Dont fuck in the woods and you try to be soooo shocking and edgy but having your friends make a movie where they dry hump a lot and eventually get killed by a monster. The monster looks kind cool but is totally wasting on this DIY horror movie that has no idea what it could have been. Obviously made by a bunch of friends that watch a lot of mainstream horror and they think there idea of making the genre into a dirty joke was sooo funny . But all the dialogue is mumbled and everything is off timing as if they had no direction.

There is some boobs and one token fat funny guy.. but not that funny and nudity makes you kind of feel bad for them somehow.. I know right? 

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 They just sit there for 45 minutes and try to be funny and fail then they all get killed in very bland “monster grabs you, blood splats against the tree” yawn fests… you know like I said LAME! Oh then the one tough chick gets tough and gets revenge like Arnie versus the predator but by that point you don’t care. I love DIY schlock and sleazy new age movies but if you are gonna be shocking you aint anywhere near as aware as She kills and if you just wanna be rude you aint anywhere near Sexquatch or Cockfacekiller. However the monster is better looking than all three of those DIY films combined .. this shit movie does not deserve that monster.. that kinda looks like the creature from the black lagoon in monster squad. Oh and btw there is a sequel now… fuck me. People wonder how stupid movies get money , well I wonder how bland lame movies get money. There are outtakes at the end and its the only time you feel like this movie might have been fun. Sorry guys rarely do I bitch about a independent horror schlock as long as it was passionate I will give it a thumbs up , but this listed like 4 production company names and almost felt insulting as a schlock fan.

Evil Toons – Trailer

Evil Toons – Trailer

31 days of Halloweener 

Every 31 days of horror needs a random boobie movie. The rip off / spoof of the Sorority House massacre flicks.. which in turn are a rip off of the Slumber Party Massacre movies. Deep into the silly and all the way into the stupid. Full of boobies , butts and wah wah jokes with more B movie genre cheesie cameos that you shake a stick at. The opening scene with David Carradine is kind of disturbing now in hindsight . Btw the demon is a killer cartoon in homage to the wolf from the 3 little pigs cartoon. 

Silly sleaze equals a plus trash. If Roger Rabbit was a z grade porn parody.

Hang on for the short scheme saved between Dick Miller and Michelle Bauer that is completely ridiculous.

31 days of Halloweeners!

31 days of Halloweeners!

Open House (1987)

An 80s slasher that I have not seen before, I am shocked. And it was a lot of fun. I would put it there with Deathspa and Aerobicide. Rich yuppie Americans are getting killed and the theme is they get killed at the time they are about to buy a brand new swanky house. It’s not a haunted house as its happening at prime real estate locations all over the area.  As this is happening a radio therapist is getting creepy calls connected to the murders and is starting to lose his cool. 

Adrienne Barbeau plays a real estate agent who is dating the radio talk show therapist so maybe they are connected to these murders than they know.  

What is super odd of this movie is the kill scenes. They are as insane , gory and cheesy as the more schlocky horror films in my collection. A creepy giggling killer that uses some weird weapons and whose face we don’t see but his gross dirty fingers we do see. 

However the scenes that are about the therapists, the investigating cops and connecting characters are all played straight and oddly dry. Shot and performed with the same mix of seriousness and light hearted at the same time that looks a lot like many prime time tv shows of the time. Shows like say Magnum PI or Knight Rider. Very PG and simple relatable. Until we meet the red herring characters. The characters they hope you will feel is the killer. These characters are outlandish and so unrelatable that they obviously can not be the killer. Like the random callers that tell the radio therapist how they feel about the murders or the evil realestate man thats being a jerk to all the other ones. His scenes look like something out of a Troma Comedy. Very odd. Regardless to these dumb character and kind of boring serious scenes stick around for the killing scenes that I swear were filmed for a different movie.

When I first heard of this film eons ago I mixed this up with the shot on video cheese magic known as Boarding House . So I was expecting a very cheap exploitative slasher. Which I got but not looking This is shot very mainstream american professional but it is very schizophrenic. I am going to bet it was a real bitch in the editing room for this nonsense. Is it a mainstream thriller or a freakin’ nasty slasher that wants to flash around some misogyny and other shock tactics.  I am not surprised this is a forgotten slasher but in the world where Silent Madness, Blood Rage, The Mutilator or Slaughterhouse exist in my collection this fits in just right.

Golden Queen Commandos (1982) 

Golden Queen Commandos (1982) 

The bad girls kick ass flick the world needs today but doesn’t deserve. 

Imagine the female expendables movie you dreamed of but make it better.

Or imagine Caged Heat meets the A team…

OR Suicide Squad meets the dirty dozen. 

A group of seven (dare i say magnificent 7) women all killer and criminal skills end up in jail together. All with special skills and personalities not to be messed with. The mysterious eye patched black fox ends up in jail last but it was all part of her plan to create a team of special killed bad guys to join forces to stop a terrorists group that the government would not.

Brady the super ninja with a huge alcohol problem.

Amazon the wrestler

Dyanamite the explosives specialist (my fav and she ended up being a very successful singer still to this day)

Sugar Plum the seductress

QuickSilver the thief (the very funny and very cute trouble maker)

Black Kat the cowboy preacher , the smartest of the lot. A very cool character that I wish we could have seen again more of.

And Black Fox the leader one of the quickest guns around.

Homaging 7 Samurai to the Magnificent 7 (even steals the music). Mixing east and west styles so perfectly. Mixing so seamlessly comedy and violence with the genres of war movies, westerns and martials arts. Shockingly violent let simplistically silly as it mocks stereotypes of female roles and stomps them out. It also mocks stereotypical action film characters to show you how ridiculous they are from James Bond villains to the cliche drunk Shaw Bros style characters or the basic wicked warden characters. 

There is a legit honor amongst these criminals as they want freedom first but very close second is to do the right thing and also a very close third is to just kick some ass.. and they do. Many gun and horse stunts as they battle different groups of enemies without holding back and looking damn good while doing it. Just a lot of legit fun with some pretty inspiring butt kicking group of ex cons

The cast got together the following year and made a remake that was a little softer, took place closer to present day, had some motorcycle stunts and they fought ninjas. It was called Pink Force commandos. I guess thats next for me to see .