Its 2 am.. .so if your up and your mind is a drift I have compiled a list of movies that I screened at Terrible Toonie Tuesday OR Terrible Two Day Fest that are NOW available on Tubitv .. you can now watch back to back in order of when I screened then (NOTE THEY ALL APPEARED ON TUBI AFTER I SCREENED THEM… weird)
NIGHTBEAST, AXE GIANT, NEON MANIACS, SEXSQUATCH , GHOSTHOUSE, CEMETERY GATES, HOUSESHARK, NIGHT OF THE BLOODY APES, … night of the bloody apes was just recently added… sooomebodies watching me….more true than you think… Enjoy the binge watch
We try to figure out what’s more important: Being a Ghost, Being a Dad, or Being a Ghost Dad? Spoiler Alert: It’s none of those things. And Jay Delta learns an important lesson about molestation and how his x-ray technician might be doing it to him.
I trrry I reeeaalllyyy try not to bitch and complain about movies I don’t like but I have to damn it! I waited a week to rant about this cause i love saying good things about bad movies because really backyard home made movies have passion and soul… some people just have no soul.
This movie is a prime example of many of the bigger b movies today getting released by nerds … and I love nerds but fuck some nerds piss me off with their lack of art, sometimes they are the robots they create. Nerds that only lived life playing video games and getting angry at their bullies so they studied bro life style. A NERD BRO is a fucking thing people. Overly serious yet you know deep down that was a bit of a joke for the director and writer and thats it. Great CGI robots for a home produced film but noooo life in any of it. It goes on and on about military ways and why or why not to have Androids in the military. Every fight was inspired by a play through in Socom or Call of duty… it just felt like really boring NERD BROS talking between game play of a first person military strategy…. fuck meeee. Even the always hilarious just to see him Danny Treijo couldn’t help. The robots are the stars and deep down most of them are suped up version of the droids from Phantom Menace. The mech suit Danny gets to use is just a rip off of warhammer/gears of war designs. WATCH A MOVIE PEOPLE!!! ESPECIALLY IF YOUR MOVIE IS NEAR 2 hours long!
We live in a world where people literally will watch a game play through for 2 hours and then pay a patreon to watch 2 hours more… FUCK ME!!!
Stomps on the dvd… game over bitch!
I am ok that Danny takes any job as it gives new comer directors a name to put on the cover.. I am also glad he does not star in it as the main lead cause he is not an idiot. This trend of b movies that are cosplayers dressing up in cool costumes and thinking thats enough or video game nerds that are good at home made graphics and plotting it like something they know.. and also thinking thats enough… takes out the soul. It does not even look like the movie was fun to make or be in. No laughs amongst the blah as shit action even that for sure many lines were supposed to be funny… but were they? Fuck no!
Yep for me Game over.
Sooooo if you are one of the people I bitched about.. sorry not sorry.. But maaybe that means you will actually like this movie (which is why i dont do a regular thumbs up thumbs down cause as always.. what the fuck do I know?)
I might as well post what every other Toronto friend on my friends list is posting about…
Putting on some cheesy high level monster cheese from New Concorde which was original Carnosaur 4 until they realised some of the same actors that died in the first movie are in this one too.
Throwing out names like New Concorde Jim Wynorski, Eric Roberts , Corben Bernsten and then add names like Melissa Brasselle whose entire career is just movies I would write about.. and Harrison Page from Sledge hammer… how is this movie not pure gold… well its pure gold poop… so thats something … pure gold poop with claws and teeth… beware beeewwaaare. Little angry lizard creatures made by a mad scientist and a depressed sheriff and his overly sexy deputy have to stop them. Note I swear the warehouse that the scientist use is the same one from Incredible melting man.. yet i have no info to back that up.
I even feel pretty sure they are reusing footage from the other carnosaur flicks.. including disco raptor and T rex in a tude (if you see it you will know what i mean)… oh wait.. movie is ending… this is so much reused footage… what is this a puppet master movie? Oh well Eric Roberts another day another pay cheque another dino movie.
Since I got home from work I have watched Things 2 and 4, Return to blood fart lake, masters of magic and Killjoy 5… my brain has officially melted.. side effects of being alone after work and watching all these movies kind of feels like i’m on some wacked hallucinogens …. drools and I didn’t do it as a real time blog a thon of bad movies.. I guess the next time I do this I will let you guys choose the torture.
Giving it a try… a Wild Eye Releasing Double bill of very rude dirty comedies, with…. SWAMP HEAD (an early release from Wild Eye) It’s a horror comedy about white trash folk getting attacked by a floating severed head covered in swamp grass… yeah that is pretty much it.
Endearingly disgusting and stupid. Aware it is done but doesn’t ruin its own jokes. A gross out spoof with no budget at all that is still honest to the b movie monster films it is homaging. Kids , who are obviously not kids, try and figure out what is killing the town folk only to find out the monster is amazingly stupid. Not sure which is more stupid the two “kids” or the monster.
Great AWFUL dialogue and nonsense jokes that make the rude parts seem so harmless. Like you just can’t hate an idiot now can you? .. Can you?
Ok Swamp Head does have a character that is handicapped and is constantly pooping… that is pretty hard to forgive. But other than that when you have lines like “Fucking off won’t be necessary young lady” you know your writers are stupid but still care. … I think… Oh and that fat nerdy kid with tits that goes on forever… yeah ok somethings are just rude.
BUT then there is a robot doing the robot as people get attacked by a floating man eating severed head… so all is forgiven.
Before this I had just watched SPANISH CHAINSAW MASSACRE (also released by Wild Eye) which is a much better made and polished Spanish horror comedy that is TOTALLY disgusting but its gross out disgusting misses the endearing part making the gross out more shocking but less fun. I love innocently disgusting films more. Even though you won’t see many movies with the BALLS that Spanish Chainsaw Massacre has. A cross between the Dutch comedy metalheads from New Kids Nitro and The horror crew of the Cock face killer gone Euro style. However if you don’t know what New Kids Nitro or Cock Face Killer are… well shit son this conversation could go on forever and get really fucked up.. as is Spanish Chainsaw Massacre. Try and conceive a metal head crew making an rather artsy euro comedy with extremely gore based and purposely offensive content jam packed movie. Maybe it is because Spanish Chainsaw Massacre is much better made than Swamp Head that you can’t forgive the rude parts because you feel they should know better… then you just realise pubic hair and jizz jokes is just art when you think of it in a true European point of you… ok maybe not. You won’t forget it but you spent more time just saying ew then actually laughing… which sounds prudish of me so I just dare you to watch .. go on .. do it.
TubiTV Canada started streaming some movies by Richard Mogg the maker from Bigfoot Ate my boyfriend… followers should remember that one. They added his movies Easter Bunny Massacre and Massage Parlor of Death… true backyard comedy cheese wonders . Richard knows about cheese and no budget horror. You should check out his book Analog Nightmares as well.