A silly boobie filled movie of 3 aliens that disguise themselves as california bimbos so they can lure men in and suck all their life force out of them leaving them wrinkled husks. Cheesy jokes, really dumb characters with some kind of cool looking yet still intensely cheesy aliens.
A great role by the always gorgeous and funny Michelle Bauer but the side stories of the bumbling cop and Bauer go on way too long and make you forget about the rest of the alien vampire babes and the dumb jocks that they attack. The aliens girls (may or may not actually be girls in alien form but whatever) actually seem to be ditzy, it’s not just an act. A hilarious quick out of nowhere end after the side character stories realise they have been dragged out way too long, helps finish the film. Basically its not a well made movie in any way and the walk in walk out cameo of Fred Olen Ray even seems to wink to you that the movie knows it wont go anywhere. But maybe if i was drunk or high this movie would be great.. the kinda film that lets you make your own jokes. So maybe I will… who knows…
Written in my sleep at 4 am … so I checked spelling today. I think maybe the Vampire Vixens from Venus sucked my brains out. Drools.
Dark Breed made in 1996 for PM Entertainment, directed by Richard Pepin (the guy who made almost all the PM Entertainment films) Huge explosion and overly intense action with little consequences. Staring the always hilariously out of place Jack Scalia and a side character of Lance Legault playing a military big whig which he does in every single role he ever played and Buck Flower playing a hobo again like he does in every role he is in too. Jack Scalia is an ex astronaut now military cop that goes after a bunch of run away astronauts that he knew from his past. Thing is the night the astronauts crashed back on earth everyone finds they are possessed by aliens making them unstoppable killing machines. Its up to the overly intense and amazingly action cliched Jack Sacalia to hunt them down and find out what there evil plot is. Like all PM flicks it starts with a huge highway chase that ends in a huge explosion and many flip cop cars. Then stalls out for a while in character having cliche flash backs to hint towards their troubled lives. The runaway astronauts get themselves in trouble as the evil aliens inside them make them go around ripping everyone’s heads off. Early on you know what you are getting in when Jack Scalia shoots at one of the runaway astronauts with a bazooka playing up their van. It takes a few seconds but you realise that was before Jacks character (Nick) knew they were evil aliens. You stop and think “wait a minute he was just shooting a regular guy with that bazooka for no reason at all”. Awkward editing and storytelling in amazing alien in an urban setting action flick. The pacing and music ques lets you know this movie thought it was equal to Predator 2 but if it got really drunk before getting going. I did enjoy it though as it’s basically just a much more chaotic take on the HIDDEN ..again not as good as the Hidden but would have made a better sequel then Hidden 2 was.
As brain damaged as this movie is, after years of using the trailer for this movie in mash up clips I am glad I finally sat down and watch it all. Alien movie go boom boom… dumb dumb movie me likey. lol
Final fart of the night is ASSAULT OF THE SASQUATCH made in 2009 which is the solo director title for Andrew Gerhard who produced other weird monster movies and now seems to produce tax right off Christmas movies.
This movie looks sweet in trailer form but it is pretty misleading. Trying so hard to be slick and rock video like with its novel editing and green and blue flood lights in every scene (mainly to distract you for how bad the effects are). Some pretty non actors trying sooooo hard to over emote everything. Fuck these color washes are so annoying why do “hip” horror films try this so much lately? Oh shit a flashback so its washed even more .. damn it…. Oh no the flash back involves a serious emotional back story to show how serious the ranger slash hero of this movie is… boring.
But I can tell you that it’s a Sasquatch movie that has a legit sasquatch and they dont hide him. He looks like Beastman from Masters of the Universe. The Sasquatch is like a legit villain instead of an animal. He even wears the bones of victims on a necklace. The rest of the cast is trying sooooo hard to be hip and witty with little tough guy monologues or sarcastic but not funny dialogue. Everyone is trying to e weird and edgey to make it a black comedy but I think I laughed at like two scenes max.
To give an example.. There is a young couple that has a conversation like this…
Girlfriend: You are such a dick.
Boyfriend : Um I prefer to be called a penis thank you very much.
Then girlfriend phone rings in the fakest ring you ever heard.
Then there is a eyepatched poacher mean old man , the ranger and his daughter who argue about their relationship in the middle of everything. And a secretary that likes to tell everyone she is a badass and not phased by this but isn’t used enough.
The only really funny scene is the two nerds who try to film Sasquatch as the monster sneaks in a woman’s window as she is getting undressed. It’s funny because one of the nerds is hilarious over acting Shawn C Phillips back in his fat days as hilarious as he is in such films as Ghost Shark and Zombie Babies.
Anyways the Ranger ends up at the local police station and everyone gets stuck in there with a mad killer which feels way too serious for this movie. Once the Sasquatch starts to “Assault on the police precinct” (see what they did there) a mix mash cash of characters have to try to stay alive in the building as basically a creature crossed between Gorilla Grodd, Beastman and Hacksaw Jim Duggan is out to get them. Trying way too hard to be cool and having no idea what it wants to be ending up nowhere near as smart as it thinks it is. Sadly. Looks like Wolfcop trying to be less rude. The Sasquatch has one funny habit and it starts when he realises how well he can throw things at people.. not sure if it was supposed to be funny or not.
Some asshole thought they were making Twin Peaks, that asshole was Chris Silverston who made Cheerleader must die and the film based on JAck Ketchum’s the Lost (super low budget but much better than this).
Also starlette Lindsay Lohan must have watched the last episode of Twin Peaks season 1, without seeing any other episodes, and thought she should act in that off key madness from start the finish no matter what state the character is going through.
Anyway the movies infamous for being the worst movie of the year award , razzie this razzie that. Its plot is about Lohan as an upper class girl Aubrey who is kidnapped and thought dead but when she is found she now thinks she is a stripped called Dakota. Two stripper movies in this pain a thon, nice. Everything thinks its trauma and that she is just now crazy… i think she is crazy.. i mean Lohan, not Aubrey or Dakota. The ridiculous stupid imagery to show violence and confuse as hilariously pretentious. Its funny how Dakota the strippe persona seems like the smarter persona as well. Trying to play off a deep murder mystery where you will take your shoe off and throw it at your tv when Lohan actually says the tite of the movie… “ I know who killed me” dun dun dun.. throws shoe…. Ok fuck this movie you teenage hipster bad movie lovers, I am gonna spoil it … In the end we find she is not crazy as she stalks the stalker and finds that she was kidnapped with her missing twin (that her mom knows nothing about) and finds Aubrey .. they are two people.. wait.. are they.. or are they dead and this is some jacobs ladder last minute hallucination or just her madness. Wait.. did her mom really not know or are they just look alike.. I dunno I didn’t pay attention enough.. but there they are. Hmmm think think.. try and remember.. hey Damien Dhark is her dad… umm ok movie make sense… nope. Oh look fake hand she not sure what parts are real and what are not… it’s so symbolic… symbolic of nothing!
So what a mystery killer knew she had a twin and got them both when no one else did.. what are they covering up? Who fucking cares!!! They cut off her hand… fuck finding the killer, just become a techno keyboard player like in the movie Vibrations. Why does a lot of this movie make me think of Vibrations .
Actually they don’t just cut her hand off , they horribly mutilate it in a near saw meets August underground type of scene that would fuck up and lindsay lohan teeny bopper watching this.. impressive … but oh her come the message filled hallucinations.. ok back to not giving a fuck about this movie. Yes I write this as i watch this.. what am I doing with my life? She is found destroyed and on the side of the road and wakes up in the hospital to see her father… her father is Damien Dhark from Arrow , I think Id lose my mind if I woke up to that too. Well that and having no foot or hand sure ok fine.
Ok fuck this dumb ass movie that thinks its so smart. I actually think knowing Chris Silvertons over work that he knew this was ironic and pretentious but fuck it anyways.
Also is it me or is it impressive that Lindsay Lohan and change between 19 and 45 in a glance, sometimes she is a gorgeous hot redhead and the next she looks like the kid from problem child grew up and became a drag queen. Oh man how cool would that be if the kid from Problem Child was one of the contestants on Rupauls drag race.. Id watch that.
AAAAnnyways this movie is annoying especially to anyone my generation. Its trying to be I know what you did last summer gone into Twin Peaks mind games but accidentally went into Showgirls with armpit fart noises. This heard my head.. maybe Im not Riot.. maybe you are me… what the fuck…. I feel like an ultra violent after school special.
I need a break. I have two more movies to go.. I will go for a jog then i will watch the final two back to back. Spring Break and Assault of the Sasquatch back to back and write about them both afterwards. So now you can all take a little break and check back later tonight to read how I survived BAD MOVIE SUMMER PAIN A THON !!!!
Movie number 3 in the Bad movie summer PAIN A THON!
Titanic 2 from Asylum… of course it is… Written directed and staring a sleazy looking dude called Shane Van Dyke. Oh its a passion project. Nah just a lame Asylum movie. All the office and military scenes look exactly like every other asylum movie. However when you see Shane Van Dyke gets onto the Titanic 2 he is walking with 6 babes in his arms. All the girls have really dumb looking expressions because no one was directing them and they didn’t know what was going on, so dumb its funny. That’s when you feel this is Van Dykes passion project. He plays Hayden the rich developer of the Titanic 2 project and he is supposed to be a suave dirty bag, he plays it well. Bruce Davidson plays the military based coast guard wannabe that warns his daughter not to go on the new Titanic as he believe it was a rush job to make it in time for the anniversary of the first Titanic’s sinking. He thinks the ship is dangerous and now things start to feel like a not funny remake of Airplane now. People remember Bruce Davidson as the original Willard. I remember him as the guy in the Harry in the Hendersons tv series. SO after some awful science talk about why there will be an iceberg and it will go after the titanic number 2 you learn the only real actor in this is the iceberg in its terrible Asylum style cgi. You just want it to kill everyone like the surfer it kills in the opening scene.. yep an ice surfer. Is that a thing? Oh shit the scene where they are standing on the iceberg and it starts to crack all over looking like a terrible tim and eric skit. How is that not a joke? When they eventually get hit by the iceberg should I have laughed? There is a lot of mock and enjoy the hate in, like a scene where they try to avoid a loose wire in the water, i dare you to watch it to know what i mean. I promise you will tell this movie to fuck off more than once. Even the ending, which i will not spoil (assuming you are dumb enough to watch this) is homaging Cameron’s Titanic yet does not get the point of making a martyr and proving this was an ego maniacs movie. Titanic 2 is a titanic sized number 2. You know what I mean.. a turd! A TURDTANIC! ok ok Im done.
I got a good laugh out of this.. but it may be mental fatigue so please excuse me for a quick break as we did this type of marathon less than a year ago and I have learned to keep the food up, because its … Pizza time!
ROUND IN THE BAD MOVIE PAINATHON IS … Orgy of the Dead. What a name right, in a world that exists after Virgin of the living dead and porno holocaust we expect a horror porn but this is 1965 based on a book written by schock grandaddy Ed Wood. Its cheesy and 60s groovy but oddly naughty. The lead the black ghoul (Fawn Silver) reminds me of the vamp from Carry on Screaming mixed with Vampire and I think I am in love . She works for an evil emperor who is played by Criswell from Plan 9 from outer space.. so will this just be a b movie sci fi.. nope. They simply make monsters and burlesque dancers dance for some tied up hostages for their entertainment. Its basically a long weird burlesque show. The one red head dancer is also… daaamn.. that 60s starlet style that sets me a flutter haha. These are nudie cuties as they called them back then. Not a porno but not really a movie either. Fascinatingly silly on today’s standards. Great color and a hilariously cheesie atmosphere. Celebrate strange people, never stop what you are doing just become “logic” says otherwise, be weird and be sexy at the same time people… i forbid myself to spell Cheesie the way the computer wants me too.. fuck the police.. and fuck this movie.,,, 5 more movies to go…
7 movies chosen by my blog readers and those that have downloaded my e books. This is the 4th year in the row i have let the online audience choose what awful things I watch. Normally it was classic B movies or so bad they are good movies but eventually fans caught on that i enjoyed those movies too much so they challenge me harder with more painful just shit movies to watch. Normally made people donate to my blog to place a request cause this was not easy to go back to back and write about these awful movies. But i am a movie sadist so i did it for free this year, only rule is it has to be movies I have not seen. So a lot of the choices I had to say no too.
Tumblr user @nerfect asked me to watch For your height only or impossible kid but of course I have seen both sooo I am going to watch For your height only tonight to pre hype my self.
Tomorrows back to back pain a thon will be this…
1 Bob who follows my riot at the movies facebook page said Titanic just to be a jerk they he said he felt bad so he chose Double Team which I have seen both ssoo I am mixing it together and watching the recent b movie Titanic 2 made in 2010. Wish me luck.
2 Hilarious b movie director Richard Mogg of massage parlour of death and bigfoot eat my boyfriend requested I was the 1983 skin comedy Spring Break directed by the guy that brought us Friday the 13th Sean Cunningham.
3 A mystery tumblr message said choose a Sasquatch film i have not seen .. i thank them cause they know how beloved bigfoot is to me.. so I choose ASSAULT of the SASQUATCH (2009)
4 The legendary Buni Hiro chose the lindsay lohan ghost thriller I KNOW WHO KILLED ME…. i know i should be scared.
5 oddball Robert Hoffman chose a groovy 1968 flick also bigfoot/swamp thing styled called The Monster and the Stripper aka the Exotic Ones
6 Another mystery tumblr post for the Ed Wood Written Orgy of the Dead which i am amazed i never took the time to watch this swingin monster mash before. Wonder if its as good as the book. I look at clips all the time but I will finally do all the stupid movie.
7 was a choice made by a random walk through customer at Eyesore Cinema I said point to the wall of what should be in my pain a thon and they pointed at Amityville Curse.. you know a random Amityville sequel is gonna be harsh… Luckily friends sending me copies, eyesore cinemas stalk and tubi tv i could find these and will venture all in tomorrow.. wish me luck, follow the post, feel me to pay pal me pizza as i have the weekend to myself so I am diving right into hell.
Last night I watch Hotel Inferno.. speaking of hell.. maybe I will post a review of that later tonight , wow what a stinker way to start this marathon… i love it . Starts tomorrow at noon, feel free to like and share
Hey guys if you have down read my books on bad movies here is the time to do it and to help me out. Ya know .. no pressure though… E books 1 and 2 for only 3 bucks Canadian. Fundraising for future projects. So for a very limited time you get a download of both of my Bad movie books. The weird book of bad movies and the bad movies and booze book. Both in e pub format and rtf for regular reading. Thank yo so much for supporting me and for support weird bad movie love. Horror comedy sci fi bears oh my! Read it all here and lets get strange! https://payhip.com/b/i8B9
Let me start this by saying I fucking love the movie Stone Cold with Brian the boz Bosworth and since it was not his snappy acting prowess that made the movie I was honestly afraid his other films would not live up to my expectations. However this movie did not disappoint. A high throttle action flick with Boz still being a tough as nails yet dumb as bricks lug all american bad ass with a babyface. What made Stonecold so good was the villians and this does the same. I was shocked that I recently bashed Warlock 3 with Bruce Payne and what do you know Bruce Payne is the totally psycho bad guy in this one too but he is really good. Payne is basically just his character from Passenger 57 which but more tweaking out, which is fine by me. Basically Boz is a soldier whose family were killed when they walked in on a robbery at a general store. But his hunt for revenge finds that petty criminals are actually pawns for bigger criminals who in turn are just pawns for corrupt cops and fbi agents .. basically everyone’s bad. Bodies fall and not a lot of people care showing how cold the world is. This makes Boz seem more nice and human souly on comparison to the other people in this movie. Including a cameo by M C Hammer as an la drug lord. Boz seems to have magically kick and punch powers as if he hits you odds are you will fly through a door or window. He has worked on some Aikido as his arm snaps and grabs are oddly impressive in this. One of the films releases went under the title One tough bastard. I wish the north American dvd release was called that still cause its suits the over the top attitude of this oddly serious film about inner city violence. I don’t know still if other boz movies will live up to this but thats 2 for 2 in my Boz dvd collection that are thumbs way up for a meat head like me.