Category: b movies

Terrible Toonie Tuesday Clown special… …

Terrible Toonie Tuesday Clown special… Every second Tuesday of the month is my bad movie hosting party called Terrible Toonie Tuesday at Eyesore Cinema in Toronto… before tonights screening I made a 20 minute wacky video…Here is the first 6 minutes for all you clowns to enjoy. For my Homies , Bad movies 4 life.

Normally I ignore Netflix completely, becaus…

Normally I ignore Netflix completely, because its so damn vanilla, but they just added Terrifier which is the b movie cheese and blood fest horror of the year pretty much. .. kinda the best of the worst kinda stuff for this years original horror endeavors. Not saying its great just refreshing in today’s American horrors with either hip ironic teens or paranormal conjuring family issues part 17. I recommend Terrifier in a dumb and bloody kinda way.  Art the clown is a character from the super diy anthology film All hallows eve and now he has his own feature film. It’s terrible acted and super cheap but wow it eventually gets insanely gross and bloody. Not a lot of plot just some girls on their way home from a halloween party get stalked by the infamous killer clown Art the clown.. who looks kinda like a mime more.. making him more dumb and more creepy at the exact same time. But when you are dressed in only black and white it makes the blood show up more. And warning at somes points things get very dark however also at one point you will think Art the clown should be singing “I don’t like the drugs but the drugs like me” by Marilyn Manson.. but I will let you watch it and figure out what part that is.

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 There are some totally unneeded but humorously bizarre side characters that could have used more exploring.  So not rocket science but once he action starts the awful dialog stops and you are just witnessing a night of bloody madness. I have to mention the lead Jenna Kanell. She is not a very well skilled actress but she takes a hell of a beating making her legit in the scream queen archives. I would love to see her get to try better roles and be more badass. I can not tell you what happens to her cause that would be a spoiler. She isn’t bad looking either.. just sayin. If she never does another film I can tell you her name will be locked in scream queen B movie history for being in this and last years so bad it’s good Bye bye man. So let’s hope things are more than just clown smiles from here on for her. Anyways now with Terrifer and All Hallows Eve (not forgetting the even lower budget All Hallows E ve 2) I think we will see more of Art the Clown and his really creepy ass smile.

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A little labour day shameless self promotion… 

Both my E books on bad movies and being dumb for a total of 1 dollar together… download now until Tuesday… woooooo https://payhip.com/b/i8B9

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rattles bones and shakes a cup full of nickels… 

b movies 4 life

TERRIBLE POOP: An ode to last weeks terrible t…

TERRIBLE POOP: An ode to last weeks terrible toonie tuesday, 

a super cute of the 30 minute intro video to last week Terrible toonie tuesday part at eyesore cinema.. proof we are insane

Lowlife 2017 

Lowlife 2017 

Rented at eyesore 🙂

Extremely dark and nihilistic thriller with comedic elements to show you the absurdity of the disgusting human condition. (I honestly never thought I would write those words when i saw this cover let alone ever in my blog). Compared to Pulpfiction for its story telling style and its dark trash bottom feeder characters that you can’t help but feel for and hope for the best for.  With the terrible reality we live in today with ICE and refugee status in the U.S what was considered obscurity in this movie two years ago seems even darker and scarier than it was invented (and trust me it was intended to shock you). A family lost, a demented evil villian, a luchadore that is not a hero but thinks he should be, two thugs that should be useless shit in the movie but you totally feel for them and you want them to turn out good so badly. The entire film is blurring the lines between comic book stereotypes and shutting it down with pathetic truth that no one is innocent. You can’t put your trust in the characters but you want to know what happens and even in a (spoiler free) disgusting broken souled ending you still feel that somehow there is a chance for happiness in this movie. The downfall is perhaps the dark parts are too real that the outlandish parts don’t help at all and leaves you feeling like the world is too damn sick. This movie is not made for the PC world of the internet and sadly is too much like Pulp Fiction that critiques can’t get over similarities to see the depth of these characters whose single day of their lives will change you deeply if you let them, I don’t promise for better or for worse but they will definitely change you if you let them.

Avoided watching this for a while as I felt it…

Avoided watching this for a while as I felt it would even too cheap for me, zero budget movies in today’s date seems to survive solely on dirty jokes with no body.. I mean this movie totally does this but it was a lot more fun than i thought. One of the people at Geek Swappers ended up with a copy signed by the cast (which is pretty cool) it passed a few hands till it got to me but I am honored to have it in my collection. Its totally goofy and mocking the whole genre but once you get over the sheer irritating valley girls you start to get the joke.  Its a bunch of really whiny divas that get together to drink at a friends rich parents house and bitch about boys and their hair around the pool. Eventually a mysterious killer slashes them one by one when they enter the house. It feels justified cause each character is so annoyed you feel it was worth the wait in between as they get totally splattered (note this is still a self aware comedy). The kills are legit and ridiculous . I am kind of tired of the forced annoying valley teen… I mean I get it us horror metalheads hate those people but sound times it feels like we actually do want to kill them. However there is some legit funny dialog , the blood pours and the girls are cute. So it achieves perfectly what it is trying to do. Spoiler .. kind of.. when the killer is revealed and finally talks he is really funny and has the best lines in the whole movie which is no shock he is the guy that made the movie writer/director and all around horror hipster who seems like he would be a fun dude to hang out with (as long as he didnt kills me with a drill or axe)

Final fart of the night is ASSAULT OF THE SASQ…

Final fart of the night is ASSAULT OF THE SASQUATCH made in 2009 which is the solo director title for Andrew Gerhard who produced other weird monster movies and now seems to produce tax right off Christmas movies.  

This movie looks sweet in trailer form but it is pretty misleading. Trying so hard to be slick and rock video like with its novel editing and green and blue flood lights in every scene (mainly to distract you for how bad the effects are). Some pretty non actors trying sooooo hard to over emote everything. Fuck these color washes are so annoying why do “hip” horror films try this so much lately? Oh shit a flashback so its washed even more .. damn it…. Oh no the flash back involves a serious emotional back story to show how serious the ranger slash hero of this movie is… boring. 

But I can tell you that it’s a Sasquatch movie that has a legit sasquatch and they dont hide him. He looks like Beastman from Masters of the Universe. The Sasquatch is like a legit villain instead of an animal. He even wears the bones of victims on a necklace. The rest of the cast is trying sooooo hard to be hip and witty with little tough guy monologues or sarcastic but not funny dialogue.  Everyone is trying to e weird and edgey to make it a black comedy but I think I laughed at like two scenes max.

To give an example.. There is a young couple that has a conversation like this… 

Girlfriend: You are such a dick. 

Boyfriend : Um I prefer to be called a penis thank you very much.

Then girlfriend phone rings in the fakest ring you ever heard.

Then there is a eyepatched poacher mean old man , the ranger and his daughter who argue about their relationship in the middle of everything. And a secretary that likes to tell everyone she is a badass and not phased by this but isn’t used enough.

The only really funny scene is the two nerds who try to film Sasquatch as the monster sneaks in a woman’s window as she is getting undressed. It’s funny because one of the nerds is hilarious over acting Shawn C Phillips back in his fat days as hilarious as he is in such films as Ghost Shark and Zombie Babies. 

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Anyways the Ranger ends up at the local police station and everyone gets stuck in there with a mad killer which feels way too serious for this movie. Once the Sasquatch starts to “Assault on the police precinct” (see what they did there) a mix mash cash of characters have to try to stay alive in the building as basically a creature crossed between Gorilla Grodd, Beastman and Hacksaw Jim Duggan is out to get them.  Trying way too hard to be cool and having no idea what it wants to be ending up nowhere near as smart as it thinks it is. Sadly. Looks like Wolfcop trying to be less rude. The Sasquatch has one funny habit and it starts when he realises how well he can throw things at people.. not sure if it was supposed to be funny or not. 

More on the Bad movie summer marathon is a rea…

Number 6 

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Spring break from 1983 by Sean S Cunningham. (yep the dude that made Friday the 13th, guess sometimes the teens got to party and die and sometimes they just got to party).  The precursor to movies like revenge of the nerds and a million other American spring break coming of age comedies (often produced by Canadians) Two not so cool guys Adam and Nelson go to Fort Lauderdale and end up stuck sharing a room with two much more cool party guys. They learn from each other if not exactly get along . The not so cool guys are the main part of the movie and look like as if the twins from Suite life of ZAck and Cody grew up to be scrawny nerd pervs on spring break.. which I am pretty sure they did. Its odd cause the film is definitely fun and full of beer, partying and surprising gorgeous babes even despite the awful 80s hair. Its a real middle point in the plethora of films just like this. Its not as wacky and cartoony as Screwballs and not as uncomfortably real as say Last American Virgin or Porkys. Very silly fun that dates its self because teenagers these days don’t party like this and when they do awful shit seems to happen. A refreshing laugh that is not haunted by dark truths. Also most cute. It does weird me out cause I expect a horror movie to eventually happen cause its filmed alot like Friday the 13th part 3… so obviously having nothing  to do with the Sean Cunningham connection.. also feels like Nightmare beach, but alas no killer on a motorcycle. There is a little rich man and his stupid henchman caper as a small back story because one of the nerdy guys is running away from his rich step dad. Its reminiscent of Frankie Avalon movies but there are way too many boobies in this movie to feel too much like that. Oh man then they see the all girl rock band.. damn.. that singer.. that cat suit.. “I feel kinda funny” said in my best Garth voice. There is an alligator attack but everyone survives, I would say sadly but these idiot guys in the movie are dumb but you don’t hate em. Maybe  I don’t hate them cause the beer cans to the head and mooning of chicks in this movie reminds me of me.. just less pool parties in my life, I just did it in the streets. Oh there is a guy in a monkey suit lifting weights so that feels like me too. Seriously it does… Aannyways this is a party time dumb film so don’t worry this is definitely not Spring BreakERS. So party on guys… hmmm did made me feel weird that I have been alone watching bad movies all day long. Who wants to play frisbee to some generic 80s rock? Thanks to director Richard Mogg for picking this b movie that is not a bad movie, just for a specific generation and luckily I am old. Double bill with the extra funnier One Crazy summer if you are feeling the summer fun mood. 

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Movie 5 … fuck…

Movie 5 … fuck…

I know who killed me from 2007

Some asshole thought they were making Twin Peaks, that asshole was Chris Silverston who made Cheerleader must die and the film based on JAck Ketchum’s the Lost (super low budget but much better than this).

Also starlette Lindsay Lohan must have watched the last episode of Twin Peaks season 1, without seeing any other episodes, and thought she should act in that off key madness from start the finish no matter what state the character is going through.

Anyway the movies infamous for being the worst movie of the year award , razzie this razzie that. Its plot is about Lohan as an upper class girl Aubrey who is kidnapped and  thought dead but when she is found she now thinks she is a stripped called Dakota. Two stripper movies in this pain a thon, nice. Everything thinks its trauma and that she is just now crazy… i think she is crazy.. i mean Lohan, not Aubrey or Dakota. The ridiculous stupid imagery to show violence and confuse as hilariously pretentious. Its funny how Dakota the strippe persona seems like the smarter persona as well. Trying to play off a deep murder mystery where you will take your shoe off and throw it at your tv when Lohan actually says the tite of the movie… “ I know who killed me” dun dun dun.. throws shoe…. Ok fuck this movie you teenage hipster bad movie lovers, I am gonna spoil it … In the end we find she is not crazy as she stalks the stalker and finds that she was kidnapped with her missing twin (that her mom knows nothing about) and finds Aubrey .. they are two people.. wait.. are they.. or are they dead and this is some jacobs ladder last minute hallucination or just her madness. Wait.. did her mom really not know or are they just look alike.. I dunno I didn’t pay attention enough.. but there they are.  Hmmm think think.. try and remember.. hey Damien Dhark is her dad… umm ok movie make sense… nope. Oh look fake hand she not sure what parts are real and what are not… it’s so symbolic… symbolic of nothing! 

So what a mystery killer knew she had a twin and got them both when no one else did.. what are they covering up? Who fucking cares!!! They cut off her hand… fuck finding the killer, just become a techno keyboard player like in the movie Vibrations. Why does a lot of this movie make me think of Vibrations . 

Actually they don’t just cut her hand off , they horribly mutilate it in a near saw meets August underground type of scene that would fuck up and lindsay lohan teeny bopper watching this.. impressive … but oh her come the message filled hallucinations.. ok back to not giving a fuck about this movie. Yes I write this as i watch this.. what am I doing with my life? She is found destroyed and on the side of the road and wakes up in the hospital to see her father… her father is Damien Dhark from Arrow , I think Id lose my mind if I woke up to that too. Well that and having no foot or hand sure ok fine.

Ok fuck this dumb ass movie that thinks its so smart. I actually think knowing Chris Silvertons over work that he knew this was ironic and pretentious but fuck it anyways.

Also is it me or is it impressive that Lindsay Lohan and change between 19 and 45 in a glance, sometimes she is a gorgeous hot redhead and the next she looks like the kid from problem child grew up and became a drag queen. Oh man how cool would that be if the kid from Problem Child was one of the contestants on Rupauls drag race.. Id watch that. 

AAAAnnyways this movie is annoying especially to anyone my generation. Its trying to be I know what you did last summer gone into Twin Peaks mind games but accidentally went into Showgirls with armpit fart noises.  This heard my head.. maybe Im not Riot.. maybe you are me… what the fuck…. I feel like an ultra violent after school special.

I  need a break. I have two more movies to go.. I will go for a jog then i will watch the final two back to back. Spring Break and Assault of the Sasquatch back to back and write about them both afterwards. So now you can all take a little break and check back later tonight to read how I survived BAD MOVIE SUMMER PAIN A THON !!!!

This one was a surprising treat.

This one was a surprising treat.

The monster and the stripper aka the Exotic ones from 1968 by Ron Ormond. Swinging cheeky flick that I thought by be the second nudie cutie of the night but is a legit sleaze monster movie. Probably at the time was considered a real shocking flick. The opening scene is an infomercial for New Orleans then we cut to a burlesque club with some pretty talent acts.. that we watch all the way through to pad the time out. Then when the legend of a louisiana swamp monster they call Swamp Thing gets capture they use him as an added attraction at the strip show (cause  you know what other logical thing would you do with an 8 foot tall swamp cave man). The swamp thing played by a rockabilly performer called Sleep La beef (great name) . An interesting factoid of the director whose style feels like the worse of al adamson (random dancer filler,) roger corman (the wacky hair and styles), herschell gordon lewis (there is some legit bloody deaths including a super weird mutilated cow in this flick) wrapped all together. The same year this movie was released he was in a plane crash that he barely survived but after coming out of it pledged his films to god and made things for Christians… what a bummer. Also hang in for the amazing filled scene of two performers playing novelty harmonicas.. it will make you say what the fuck.