Category: b movies

Well… maybe this needs to play at the 2…

Well… maybe this needs to play at the 2019 Terrible Toonie Two Day fest… what do you think?

Released 25 yrs ago today and still a totall…

Released 25 yrs ago today and still a totally underrated gore party of oddity!

Brian Yuzna’s B movies are really something special and they deserve way more credit.  A farce of  Romeo and Juliet in a LA gang territory battle caught up with the military and an all out zombie monster breakout.  One of the rare gore flicks where someone pulls off their own head. 

Memories of that sexy zombie having full size cutouts in local video stores. Sexy indeed yet her hunger for brain and self harm was an uncomfortable new twist on the genre. Shocking she would later play the main rich bitch bad woman from the O C.

 

Tonights Screening at Eyesore adds to the 31 D…

Tonights Screening at Eyesore adds to the 31 DAYS OF HALLOWEENERS!

SWEET HOME (1989)

A Japanese haunted house flick that has some very pleasant surprises.

It was in a co promotion with a video game of the same name in the same year that has ties to the people who would later bring us Resident Evil.

Because of this fact I was expecting some very wacky ghost hijinks but that is not the fact. Definitely inspired by many western ghost stories and films. While still having many heaven and hell references in both eastern and western culture references this film was definitely inspired by Poltergeist. Small and sweet and first with some lightly humorous characters soons turns to some very epic magical horror. The blowing winds and bright lights with warped ghostly images while a young daughters life being pulled over to the otherside…you know like in Poltergeist.  Director Kiyosi Kurosawa tends to lead towards bleeding dark shadows and distorted red lights instead Tobe Hooper’s go to electric blue lights. The premise of the film also feels a little ahead of its time as a film crew enter a haunted house just to film the old paintings and relics in the mansion but eventually get attacked by a vicious dark and somewhat faceless presence in the house. The film crews producer Mr Kazou has brought his daughter Emi with him to the mansion. Emi is determined to hook up her widower father with the film crews co producer Akiko. Akiko and Emi are very strong female leads that really are all you need in this movie however with a small cast each character feels like they have a place and are very easy to relate to.

It starts off very slow but when it kicks it and the first victims are taken its so intense a scene that you are thrown right out of your seat. A slightly spoiler but the victims of the evil shadowy poltergeists must go through a burning that symbolises the tortue the spirits went through. So the victims bubbles and burn to even over flow like lava from their bodies, which is shockingly gorey for such a literally happy fantasy of a movie. There is a huge animatronic ghost later in the movie that by today’s snobby film nerd will either feel like a giant muppet to you or will feel much more tangible then a cgi effect would do today. If you are like me you will be refreshed by this practical effect movie. Simple effects of moving shadows that make the wall crawling ghost of movies like Frighteners seen weak on comparison.  

All in all Sweet Home is a underappreciated gimmick of a film that mixes western and eastern haunted imagery with incredible practical effects and it is a shame that it does not get talked about anywhere near enough.

Great screening with a small crowd again tonight but I hope we see you all on video store day this freakin Saturday!!!

31 days of Halloweeners

31 days of Halloweeners

JACK-O (1995)

I always thought this was even older then 1995.  Anyways I have spoken about this movie to death… read my first book on bad movies it is definitely in there on how it introduced me and addicted me on home made horror crapola.

Hilarious cheap and feels like a bad nickelodeon kids horror movie except we sees boobs and people get brutally killed with the most cliche homemade gore gags.

A little boy, played by the director sons and who looks like he hates doing anything in this movie, is haunted by the family curse of the killer pumpkin man. Some how he stops the pumpkin man after a few random neighbours are killed on halloween night. How he does it is not important just know it feels like a Canadian made for tv movie in the 80s but shockingly isn’t. One actress won her role in the movie on the Phil Donahue show as a P R stunt for this no budget movie and for an excuse to not have to pay an actress. 

Best parts are the legendary scream queen Linnea Quigley as the babysitter that has a no reason show. Quigley looking in that odd random of sometimes looks 21 other seconds looks 49. Odd. I love her so though 🙂

Then the cameos by two legends of b film that had been dead for years as they cut in scenes of Cameron Mitchell and John Carradine. Carradine is in fact a major part of the plot and they speak his his ghosts, which is obviously blurred in his face from another movie and dubbing over random dialog.

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Fred Olen Ray produced it but basically as a way to use no money and get his name on Phil Donahue in a horror movie mix media stunt. He obviously didn’t care what actually happened to the film. Thus leading to a dvd release 20 years later and having one of the worst commentary track ever. Search youtube as it has the commentary track on it and you hear Olen ray seem to get into a legit fight with the director. It is amazingly awkward. Almost as amazingly awkward as the awful performance by one of the worst child actors ever. I think the kid hated doing it so much he is pouting and not acting on purpose to upset his dad. Or he was sedated on heavy drugs.. one of those two is the right answer I am sure of it.

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I screened it tonight to the secret film club at Eyesore. Only about 10 people there and all were top notch regulars though. Remind me not to have a film partying gathering the same night the Laserblast guys do I guess… waahhh waahhhh. Smallest audience I think I have had yet. I hope that is not a sign of the time. But even if it is it was a great audience that totally got it and enjoyed it. Also kudos to the two raffle prize winners and Andy for bringing extra halloween goodie bags to go along with all the candy and junk food I brought to the party. Hope to see you wacky people again soon. Gatherings for B cheesy horror films are the best. 

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Halloween is in full effect now.

31 days of HALLOWEENERS!

31 days of HALLOWEENERS!

Night of the Comet (1984)

Spend every day like the Night of the Comet . Be friends with who you meet cause they may be the last people you meet then spend the rest of the time wrecking the mall and shooting random cars cause fuck it why not.

All the classic tropes of Last Man on Earth, Dawn of the Dead, I am Legend and so on. Coming years before Shaun of the Dead is a movie about real average people that wake up one day and the whole world is dead and some are zombies. All because they stared at a comet as it came over town.

The difference with this and many of the zombie movies is the zombies are barely in it. Most die on their own right away. It’s much more like everyone is just dying. Fearing zombies or crazies is totally secondary in this movie. So sorry gore hounds there isn’t really any gore, but its not boring. Just a lighter kind of movie. Light for the end of the world at least.

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The cast is excellent most already known genre stars like Mary Woronov and many faces that would become known.  Like Alison from Chopping Mall (who is freakin adorable), Chakotay from Voyager and that little girl from Mr Ts Be Somebody or be somebody’s fool. (brilliant)

Very 80s in the era of American mall culture that will seem unreliable on today’s culture. However if you woke up tomorrow and you were one of only a few people left in the world I think culture would start meaning whatever you wanted it to mean real soon.

My earliest review in weeks and it has Night in the title… ironic?

Golden Queen Commandos (1982) 

Golden Queen Commandos (1982) 

The bad girls kick ass flick the world needs today but doesn’t deserve. 

Imagine the female expendables movie you dreamed of but make it better.

Or imagine Caged Heat meets the A team…

OR Suicide Squad meets the dirty dozen. 

A group of seven (dare i say magnificent 7) women all killer and criminal skills end up in jail together. All with special skills and personalities not to be messed with. The mysterious eye patched black fox ends up in jail last but it was all part of her plan to create a team of special killed bad guys to join forces to stop a terrorists group that the government would not.

Brady the super ninja with a huge alcohol problem.

Amazon the wrestler

Dyanamite the explosives specialist (my fav and she ended up being a very successful singer still to this day)

Sugar Plum the seductress

QuickSilver the thief (the very funny and very cute trouble maker)

Black Kat the cowboy preacher , the smartest of the lot. A very cool character that I wish we could have seen again more of.

And Black Fox the leader one of the quickest guns around.

Homaging 7 Samurai to the Magnificent 7 (even steals the music). Mixing east and west styles so perfectly. Mixing so seamlessly comedy and violence with the genres of war movies, westerns and martials arts. Shockingly violent let simplistically silly as it mocks stereotypes of female roles and stomps them out. It also mocks stereotypical action film characters to show you how ridiculous they are from James Bond villains to the cliche drunk Shaw Bros style characters or the basic wicked warden characters. 

There is a legit honor amongst these criminals as they want freedom first but very close second is to do the right thing and also a very close third is to just kick some ass.. and they do. Many gun and horse stunts as they battle different groups of enemies without holding back and looking damn good while doing it. Just a lot of legit fun with some pretty inspiring butt kicking group of ex cons

The cast got together the following year and made a remake that was a little softer, took place closer to present day, had some motorcycle stunts and they fought ninjas. It was called Pink Force commandos. I guess thats next for me to see .

House Shark (2018)

House Shark (2018)

Finally got myself a copy of House Shark. Before I can explain this movie you need to know SHE KILLS from the same makers and same cast. What is most impressive is how the actors play almost polar opposites of their characters from She Kills this time round. For basically DIY C grade actors that have only appeared in there own films they are showing more range than most of hollywood all together. She Kills was a sick and twisted spoof on revenge films and House Shark is a dirty joke spoof of monsters movies in general not just jaws but a kick in the nut to the entire overdone shark genre. The monster does not need to be a shark as its just a hilarious monster. It’s the group of three guys stuck in the house that each play extremely over the top completely bizarre characters. It’s those characters that make the movie. The characters Frank, Zachary and Abraham are hilarious but so relatable in anyway. I hope these actors branch out into more comedy so we can see what they can do. However there insane ways of talking is so bizarre sometimes you cant even understand them. Also the butt and poop humor is soooo over the top you will feel that the goal of this movie was to get in the world records for the one film that says the word anus more than any other film. The word anus is said so much that it stops having any meaning.  It is mentioned so much you feel it will end up having a secret meaning but the secret is that butts are just funny and the word anus is even funnier. House Shark it’s what’s for breakfast, you need and you crave it but it will probably rot your teeth.   Am I making any sense? I think this movies ridiculousness has melted my brain a little… is this real life?

Not as smart as She Kills but after you finally see the Shark it is a straight out wacky comedy that even a prude would have to laugh at its dirty jokes and one liners. Two fins up… up a butt.

Blades (1989)

Blades (1989)

One of the many films bought by Troma but not made by the usual Lloyd Kaufman crew of gross out gag writers. A lot of those Troma bought films end up being boring but  recently I have been lucky with Blood Hook and Time Barbarians so why not keep trying. I blame this viewing on the folks over at Chud buddies and Carlo at back-row.com for mentioning Blades in the same breathe with such flicks as Death Spa and 976 Evil. So as I threatened them I said it’s their fault if this movie sucks. Blades was actually pretty funny in a deadpan smarter than you think kind of way. In a sense it’s what if Jaws was a killer lawn mower on a golf course… yep… I just typed that.

  People getting killed by mysterious blades that you can’t see just before the big important golf tournament. We only assume its a lawn mower that is leaving people shredded and dead in the tall grass off the sides of the course. It plays off all the horror stereotypes as a new manager comes to the golf course after falling on his luck as a pro player. He doesn’t get along with his co manager but they learn to work together to try and find out what is killing people. The rich guy that owns the course tries to cover it up because he has so much money waying in on the upcoming tournament so he ignores the warnings of the managers. You know like I said JAWS.. and a million other horror films .. Snowbeast, Nightbeast to Ghostshark to even Munchies and well most episodes of Scooby Doo. Oh shit thats also the plot of Murder on the London bridge with David Hasselhoff (love it). It’s played straight until the killing is public and then all of  sudden there are straight out jokes. There are many awkwardly dry parts that talk way too much about gold for anyone to care but slide a legit golf PUN in so you realise… ohhh wait that scene was a joke as well. The star Robert North who plays Roy the burned out manager who’s trying to find the killer or killing machine plays its so straight that he may not even know the movie was supposed to be a comedy. After awhile though even random site gags show up in the background and the awkward overly serious take on golf and its comparison to life and death gets down right hilarious. When Stephen King made lawnmowers legit dangerous items in the worlds of Maximum Overdrive and the Mangler as well as Peter Jackson’s Dead Alive. However Blades knows the idea of a killer lawn mower is ridiculous but does not want to let you in on the joke. Instead of making dick and fart jokes about it ,it just plays it straight and overly intense which will either leaving you getting the absurdness and the joke or just leave you asking “what the fuck is going on?” 

Spoiler when we finally see the lawnmower it is a huge monster of a magic lawnmower running wild on a warpath. Why no one stops it and lets it get away each time is beyond me. Like just stand behind it… I think the movie is aware of that though… I think. I am shocked the movie wasn’t more gorey as being chopped up by a lawnmower makes for easy shock gore gags. There is some gore but maybe too much gore would ruin the joke for the filmmakers. I think it would have made it more fun for most of us though. I kind of wish it was made a few years later so at the end of the film one last person would be attacked and it could cut to Dave Coulier looking at the camera and saying “Cut , it, out!” … roll credits… ohhh 90s jokes.  

This movie would be better with drunken friends mocking every horror stereotype, cliche and bad line.  If I was more drunk it might just cut me up!

Terrible Toonie Tuesday Clown special… …

Terrible Toonie Tuesday Clown special… Every second Tuesday of the month is my bad movie hosting party called Terrible Toonie Tuesday at Eyesore Cinema in Toronto… before tonights screening I made a 20 minute wacky video…Here is the first 6 minutes for all you clowns to enjoy. For my Homies , Bad movies 4 life.

Normally I ignore Netflix completely, becaus…

Normally I ignore Netflix completely, because its so damn vanilla, but they just added Terrifier which is the b movie cheese and blood fest horror of the year pretty much. .. kinda the best of the worst kinda stuff for this years original horror endeavors. Not saying its great just refreshing in today’s American horrors with either hip ironic teens or paranormal conjuring family issues part 17. I recommend Terrifier in a dumb and bloody kinda way.  Art the clown is a character from the super diy anthology film All hallows eve and now he has his own feature film. It’s terrible acted and super cheap but wow it eventually gets insanely gross and bloody. Not a lot of plot just some girls on their way home from a halloween party get stalked by the infamous killer clown Art the clown.. who looks kinda like a mime more.. making him more dumb and more creepy at the exact same time. But when you are dressed in only black and white it makes the blood show up more. And warning at somes points things get very dark however also at one point you will think Art the clown should be singing “I don’t like the drugs but the drugs like me” by Marilyn Manson.. but I will let you watch it and figure out what part that is.

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 There are some totally unneeded but humorously bizarre side characters that could have used more exploring.  So not rocket science but once he action starts the awful dialog stops and you are just witnessing a night of bloody madness. I have to mention the lead Jenna Kanell. She is not a very well skilled actress but she takes a hell of a beating making her legit in the scream queen archives. I would love to see her get to try better roles and be more badass. I can not tell you what happens to her cause that would be a spoiler. She isn’t bad looking either.. just sayin. If she never does another film I can tell you her name will be locked in scream queen B movie history for being in this and last years so bad it’s good Bye bye man. So let’s hope things are more than just clown smiles from here on for her. Anyways now with Terrifer and All Hallows Eve (not forgetting the even lower budget All Hallows E ve 2) I think we will see more of Art the Clown and his really creepy ass smile.