Category: 4life

Happy 20th anniversary Blair Witch Project So…

Happy 20th anniversary Blair Witch Project

So 20 years ago The Blair Witch project came to theatres and forever doomed theatrical horror to be about tension building up to just jump scares with half ass story telling or effort that allowed the meme generation to live strong in the horror world.  Damning us to major released found footage movies, which only 1 in 100 are worthwhile, but that means some are worth it, I guess. Over the years I have come to enjoy the movie perhaps due to nostalgia and irony. Hell my band in college even wrote a song called he big bitch project in honor of it(yeah we sure were high brow humorists).

   If you know me you know I love cheap movies so that’s not the problem. But as much as I am in denial of how long it’s been and how influential it’s been, you can ask my long time buddy Peter who went to the movies with me to see it way back then how I felt. The rant I was having as we left the cinema that day still stands with me today. I said .. “ I made that movie when I was 9 in the woods behind my house with a vhs tape loading camera. My nose was as equally as runny as the girl in that wobbly movie, take that realism. OOOww look at me, I have nothing to show you, so I will just shake the camera a bunch. Shiiiiitt.”  But Blair Witch made millions by adding the word “art” to peoples minds and telling everyone that wobbly close up camera work is eerie when to me it was actually just nausea. Shit I was a ranting old man back then in my teens so imagine how old and bitchy I am now a days. Oh wait you just read that, so you would know. So get off my lawn! Now go stand in the corner and I will film you, we will make millions. Yep that’s the end of the movie folks some dude staring at a wall, oh sorry SPOILERS… you had 20 fucking years to see it folks. 

oooohhh wwooo Ooooowwwwww… Fart.  Did you hear that? I think something is out there … do you hear it?….  Nope.. Nothing important is out there… move on! 

I wish the lost trio of film makers from Blair Witch project found the Necronomicon out in those woods so The Evil Dead could eat them then Ash could chainsaw them. Now that would have been fun.

Sci-Fighters (1996) in some smaller releases k…

Sci-Fighters (1996) in some smaller releases known as Contagion 2009

A healthy looking Roddy Piper with a haircut that makes him look like Richard Dead Anderson is a cop walking off the beaten path who has to run down an old enemy that he thought was dead. 

I watched this today because the villain is the recently passed Billy Drago who plays insane killer and mysterious disease career Adrian Dunn. Adrian died in prison on the moon but when an alien virus reanimated him he ended up wandering around Earth infecting people while on a day trip of raping and killing. What makes things worse is Roddy Piper was the cop that put him away when Dunn killed his wife. So obviously Roddy Piper wants a shot at him again. What also makes things worse is the smoggy Earth in the future of 2009 is in a full year of darkness due to volcanoes and pollution. So when a dying melting virus fueled man is walking around no one could tell the difference anyways cause no one looks all that healthy.  This movie is almost Split Second meets the Incredible Melting Man. Shot as good and polish in an ugly future like Split Second but with as illogical a threat and dumb a concept as the Incredible Melting man.

Dr Kirbie Younger is trying to figure out a cure for the disease that has hit the streets when she gets mixed up with Roddy Pipers manhunt. Now this all seems to pretty regular small action sci fi film fodder , if you take in to context that this is future 2009 in Boston but is obviously filmed in Canada. As the movie goes on though you seem to think this sick old melty man could easily be taken out and maybe Roddy Piper’s character is just a little over dramatic. We get many excuses for Dr Kirbie to unbutton her shirt and show her sweaty cleavage. Not that I have a problem with that but the cheap reasons to make it “pop out” seem very forced and almost funny in a movie that is not that badly shot and run with decent dialog for such a cheesy concept.  I also need to point out a pointless piece of trivia, the actress that plays Dr Kirbie is Jayne Heitmeyer she was in two episodes of Degrassi as a character called Toni Stark… just felt the need to share that.

Look at this artsy shot of the doctor talking to Piper as Piper is reflected on a plastic sheet around the sick patients/victims of Billy Drago.

Billy Drago always looked a little melting but impressively they make him look worse.

In the end when Drago and Piper final face out it takes place in an unfinished building that feels reminiscent to the end of Runaway (the Tom Selleck robot movie). Piper suits up with heavy weaponry that seems really unnecessary. You feel like Dr Kirbie could have taken Drago out herself but they needed the two guys stand off. While Sicky skeleton face Drago is shouting out the more sickly he gets the more he sounds like Tommy Wiseau. So seriously just imagine drunk Tommy Wiseau fighting Roddy Piper with a Richard Dean Anderson hair cut on scaffolding. Do you have the time to get through every thing in the middle of this movie? That is up to you. I will say the opening scene does start with two convicts in a buzzsaw fight but that is just the beginning.. that its a lot of Billy Dragon drooling and puking. So will you survive the middle of this movie? Again thats up to you.  A few months ago I reviewed CyberZone and if you liked that you will like this. 

RIP Piper and Drago but you know what they say gold polish on a turd is a still a turd…. or something like that.

I forgot to wish William Castle a happy birthd…

I forgot to wish William Castle a happy birthday the other day. I hope his ghost doesn’t get mad at me and fall from the ceiling 

William Castle Pioneer of cheesy and epic showmanship

Born April 24th 1914 died May 31st 1977

Hard Rock Zombies (1985)

Hard Rock Zombies (1985)

I have owned this movie in my collection for years now as it is one of the go to BAD movies. The kind people laugh about solely off the name but not many have made it all the way through (and with good reason). I have watched it at least twice before but its pacing is so off that it just becomes a group of scenes in your memory more than an actual plotted movie. Which makes it fun as background fodder when you are hanging out having drinks with fellow bad movie lovers… or you know.. on drugs. 

I tried one more time tonight.. I have no Idea why, the urge just came to me. There are many hair metal era horror movies but none as bad as this. Some say it is a spoof of the horror genre so perhaps it is more like Attack of the Killer Tomatoes and is bad on purpose.. so maybe that doesn’t count. I question that though, JUST because there is a scene of a zombie midget riding a cow and biting it does not mean that is a direct conscious spoof of the movie Zombie where a zombie rides a real shark and bites it.. but maybe it is , cause the scene is pretty funny. That said midget is also little actor legend Phil Fondacaro of the original Troll, Ghoulies 2, Garbage Pail Kids and pretty much anything Charles Band got near.

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Basically the movie is a hair metal band (that sound closer to Air Supply than anything I would call “Hard Rock” ) are on the road and about to play a small town of close minded hicks that is filled with old timey parents that don’t take to much a likin to long hair rock and rollers playing their devil music in their town. Pretty cliche rock n roll story but it gets weirder as a creepy family take in the band who seem just like the kind of freaks that town would hate. It gets weird when we find Hitler lives in that town (or his twin) and the town is full of rednecks and actual Nazis but not directly related. Accidents happen due to all these related characters and the band is killed only to rise up from the dead after they hear one of their songs played at the grave site. The best song in the movie is actually the instrumental whistle like track that plays when the band do the zombie march back into town. The music sound like Buckaroo Banzai… which came out a year earlier so maybe they are spoofing it but I kinda doubt it. 

I must mention it takes over 40 minutes for the band to become zombies so it feels like it was supposed to be a more straightforward “Rockers against the old timey small town via Footloose “ kind of story that just got really bad and fell apart. Because they add in one or two odd music video numbers to pad it out and then the movie falls straight off their rockers. Once the band comes back from the dead everyone becomes zombies and the only one really giving any plot to the movie is the band’s manager and a random nazi or two. Everyone starts rising from the dead, some eating people and others just dancing in the street for very little reason. The band just want to play music and two midgets go on a rampage, one as mentioned attacking a cow and throwing a guys head into a random strangers car which totally turns into a zombie Benny Hill skit. There is a second midget zombie locked in the nazi lair who for the rest of the film just chooses to eat himself which in the end turns pretty impressive (I dare you to watch the film to find out just how impressive).  Spoiler sort of.. in the end the zombies are lured into the nazi lair that just happens to have death shower rooms… classy people.. very classy. All the while a romance with the singer and a young girl called Cassie is someone happening even that the singer Jessie is dead. We know this cause he sings a song about Cassie and we have to hear the whole damn thing more than once. Jessie calls Cassie “little girl” a lot and it feels kind of awkward. Hell the whole movie is awkward… comedy horror gags and rock and roll romance that just happens to deal with Nazis , sure why not. Shocking this was released by Cannon and not Troma.

So yeah starts as a hair metal monkey movie vs the grumpy old people and turns into a gross horror comedy that cuts back and forth with a ton of random small scenes that make it pretty evident no real plot was ever going to happen. But in this kind of 80s trash you would be stupid to assume there would be more story.  

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Final judgement this SEEMS like it’s the Attack of the killer tomatoes take on movies like Trick or Treat, Rock and Roll Nightmare, Rocktober Blood and Black Roses. A genre that really did not need to be spoofed cause you were going to laugh at it anyways. However most of those movies came after Hard Rock Zombies soooooooo I think the movie is just dumb and confusing. It is a lot of fun to laugh at , but I am not sure how much you are laughing with it. Just don’t try to hard to understand it cause you will get a headache. 

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I couldn’t find a picture of Phil and the cow so I quickly screened grabbed it… cause really that is all that is important.

Coldmoon (2016) 

Coldmoon (2016) 

I have been curious about this movie for a while. I discovered today it is made by the director of Ghost Shark but instead of being funny the director chose to go straight , serious and shockingly dark. 

Basically its a twin peaks rip off meets a modern day American ghost story.

Imagine if in Twins Peaks the cops did not get as involved as you expected and Laura Palmer’s ghost basically told you who the killer was right away.

With recognisable actor Frank Whaley as the Sheriff and tiny cameos by Christopher Lloyd and even Tommy freakin Wiseau, it will make you expect something different than what you will get. 

A small town in American is shocked by the murder of a young innocent girl. The Sheriff seems tired and worn out and not up to the task of figuring it out.  Weird southern characters in the town all seem odd and prominently unlikeable. A key to low budget movies is how small towns have way too many different kinds of southern accents.     Spoiler… The movie seems like a Twin Peaks weird you out rip off but what if the hallucination scenes were actually a cliche wet long haired ghost.  UNTIL the rest of the girls family is killed. Then the oddly slow and dull movie kicks you in the teeth in an act that is equally smart and yet insulting. The young girls other family members are killed in a scene that reveals the killer. 

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You are led to believe early on that there will be twists and misleaders since you are in a familiar type of movie. But once you know the killer is exactly who they say it is you just have to witness the killer reveal just how awful and scummy he is. The actor playing the killer is pretty good so far as he makes you totally hate him and want the worst to happen to him. The killers performance is shockingly good, the actor looks like a taller David Patrick Kelly (who note appeared in Twin Peaks). He is soulless and remorseless Now remember there is a cliche dead girl ghost after him… or is there? Is his shallow sick mind just getting to him and driving him crazy or it really a snake spitting ghost stalking him. Some surprisingly shocking moments in a rather safe and slow burn of a movie.

Warning there is no way you will take serious a ghost of an old lady that looks exactly like Beetlejuice when he turns into a snake. The ghost looks really cool but you cant help but laugh and say “We’ve come for your daughter Chuck”  This obviously was on purpose those because this movie is based off a book written by Michael McDowell who yes also wrote Beetlejuice. Go figure…. shit imagine with Beetlejuice ended up a serious horror film? How would life be different?

This premise and set of characters would have been much better in a smarter directors hands. You know I love GhostShark but in a sharply polished B movie lark kind of way. Better quality and more creative shots would add to the unsettling atmosphere.  The actors playing the villain and the sheriff and doing a great job but there is just this obviously missing solid style missing.  Smaller rolls of the killers little brother and the dead little girls grandmother are great as well and deserving of a better finished product. You feel the fear and frustration of the people but the sad fact of bad low budget pacing and over explanatory scenes.

Spoiler again.. just as you start to think the killer is maybe left losing his mind  and hallucinations the ghost they straight out tell you the ghost are real too. Its only one scene where the Sheriff finds evidence left behind by the ghosts and it could have been left out so we could come to terms with it on our own. 

The ghost gags are needed but when they pop in cliche ghost gags (especially at the end) it makes the serious elements go straight down the toilet. The fact that only the killer reacts to ghost elements and it feels tact on later you often lose interest and sadly even laugh at scenes because of the ghosts when it totally could have been done right in better hands.

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This reveal dumbs down the movie making you less interested in the twists and oddities of the characters but just makes you wait to see who will get the bad guy first, the naive cop or the ghosts.  On top of asking why half these characters even exist. That and why was Tommy Wiseau in the background? But  thats not important.

I can very much compare it too Jack Ketchum’s The Lost which is another emotionally dark thriller that suffers due to its low budget and amateur finishings.

I recommend this with having you be aware this is a movie that suffers from totally not living up to his potential.  Think about it.. a movie that ME.. ME of all people would say needed less wacky ghosts and more artistic character development. Maybe if it was all ghosts all the time I wouldn’t say that.. but that would be a totally different movie. Thus this will be another of those movies that frustrates me cause it was so close to being good but due to failing that seems really bad.

The rest of the stinkothon

In the last  two days I have watched Chubbies, BloodOrgy at Beaver Lake, The Ghastlies, Nemesis 5, Mark of Dracula , Dragon Fury and BattleQueen 2020. I did not review the last two as they were both just blah. 

However I do semi recommend Dragon Fury (1995) is owned by Troma and is a super low budget Sword and Sandal / post apocalyptic romp that was huge through the 80s and made even cheaper than usually in the early 90s.  An blonde studly Barbarian must travel through time to present day to save the future.   A month or so ago I reviewed Time Barbarians also owned by Troma and that movie is much better with a much more badass Barbarian and more polished a movie (for as bad a movie as it was going to be anyways) . So look up my review on that. The twist in Dragon Fury is these barbarians are actually from a post apocalypse future and need to go back to 1999 when an earthquake would happen letting a terrible disease wipe out most of mankind.

The thing to take away from that movie is in the beginning in the barbarian future I was not paying that much attention and just thought it was the cheaped movie ever cause some warriors had regular t shirts on and some even had watches and sunglasses. It looked like a bunch of Larpers were pretending to be viking and barbarians with Typecasted Richard Lynch as an evil wizard being the most expensive thing in the film. But they I realised they were messed up freaks in the future so I guess that makes more sense. Deep down I believe they started filming and realised how shit it looked so they changed the plot just to cover up the mistakes. Usually Barbarians travel to present day, Time Barbarians, Beast Master 2 and Masters of the Universe due to budget and lack of set pieces. But I think they did it this time cause the whole thing stunk. The main hero is followed into the present day by two bad guys and a warrior maiden that is trying to find him to help him. Sadly she is offed too soon in the movie cause her assets needed to be in this movie way more… if ya knows what Im sayin.. nudge nudge say no more. 

I am now told there is a sequel… and well.. I will get around to it. 

BattleQueen2020 was the other film starring Julie Strain and I hear she is going through a very tough time in her life right now so I wont say much about that movie as it was one of those late 90s patched together multi projects that were made by LA tv companies but added lots of nudity to sell it in the late night cable market. Its again another post apocalyptic where a Brothel head madam must become a warrior and rebel leader. Suffering some super awkward slow fight scenes and extra awkward soft music late night cable naked grinding sex scenes.  Julie is a true Amazon that is not to be messed with but I advise check out her Andy Sidaris movies which are filmed by the same kind of quality hollywood tv hacks and sold for the same cheap exploitive reasons but at least Julie and her co hosts are funny in them. BattleQueen has this amazing Simon Bisley cover and poster since it was around the time they were all involved in Heavy Metal Magazine together. Do not let that amazing cover make you think it has aaannnything to do with this movie as it was probably for a Fakk2 comic book story.

Hope the best for Julie Strains health issues and note she has a million more super cheesy bad movies and some of them are actually fun.

So thumbs half way for Dragon Fury and down for BattleQueen . Instead I say check out Time Barbarians and then Day of the Warrior for a better Julie Strain romp.   See I watch these bad movies so you don’t have to take the chance and so I can say the word Romp more than usual.

Commando Ninja stream for free

The Makers of Commando Ninja chose to give the movie away for free online. An 80s spoof of Arnie meets Reb Brown meets Michael Dudikoff films in a Godfrey Ho vhs world. Now I will note I am in general not a fan of these spoofs so much . Turo Kid was great cause it had original characters with its own passion over the gags. But the world love Kung Fury no matter how much I hated its dumb gags that was more internet gag than anything smart about the genre of movie, Kung Fury made me a grumpy old man cause it felt like kids making jokes about something they were not there for. But Commando Ninja seems to know what it is talking about so for me it floats in the middle. Enough of me… why dont you check it out. Its just over an hour. Enjoy. 

I have been curious to watch this since I saw …

I have been curious to watch this since I saw everything is terrible edited it down to every seen Gary Busey calls someone a butthorn. Honestly it is a lot of fun but he does not actually call people butthorn enough for my liking. The film was written by Fred Olen Ray so you have to have a tad bit of an open mind and think maybe it was not written to be as serious as the movie ended up. It starts as a complete Lethal Weapon rip off (made a year after Busey played the villain in the first Lethal Weapon movie) . Busey plays a gun crazy cop called Mcbain who has an old partner that you literally wait for him to say “i’m too old for this shit”. The weapons heist they deal with in the opening scene is a lot of fun and I kind of wish the whole movie was that. However the movie quickly goes away from that as we discover Mcbain was an ex secret agent and gets suckered into going to Mexico on a secret agent style mission. Playing the silly character that is secretly an amazing bad ass gets put into a stereotypically foreign enemy territory. Henry Silva plays an amazing military bad guy (as always). There is a hilariously americana flag waving scene between Silva and 

Darlanne Fluegel but then when you start to laugh at it it turns super dark and the fun is gone again. Because Silva is incredible good at being a creepy ass bad guy. Even when he is written in a terrible racial stereotype and .

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 Busey is nick named Bulletproof cause he looks unthreatening but he is so tough he takes a bullet and keeps coming while making sarcastic comments on the way.. so obviously he was the man they chose to fight guerrilla soldiers, free captive soldiers and retrieve a government super weapon called Thunderblast (which looks right out of a Roger Moore James Bond Flick). This movie plays out way too seriously for such a ridiculous super agent story and dumb sounding secret weapon.  Busey gets less and less funny as the movie goes on and then starts up a little again near the end as if they forgot that was the point. Infact a scene involving the Thunderblast and Busey is almost straight out slapstick with a wah wah joke in it. Also a scene with Busey and a giant wheel that is straight up 80s Jackie Chan action silliness. There was an awesome movie in here somewhere, it just gets lost pretty easily.  The scenes with Darlanne Fluegel are however so over the top dramatic you cant take understand how its matching with the funny scenes. Her and Busey do end up shooting and blowing up a lot of people though.  That is a charm of 80s action flicks they didn’t need to be one way or the other, they just did what they wanted to do and you kind of have to respect them for that.

A scene to remember in this is when they again make an accidental reference to Lethal Weapon there is a scene where Busey sits on a beach and remembers his ex girlfriend as we hear a sexy saxaphone playing which just seems cheesy until you realise its Busey playing the saxophone and then it just feels hilarious. But.. was it supposed to be hilarious? I am not sure. It is worth a watch for 80s action fans at least once though ya butthorns.

Recently it was available on an action movie 4 pack.  So it was totally worth the money.

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Everyone is talking about the new Godzilla kin…

Everyone is talking about the new Godzilla king of the monsters trailer and I am here watching Zarkorr the invader like a fucking idiot. Often in fullmoon releases you get what you see surprisingly enough but this is a total set up. This is mocking the giant monster movie by doing a sitcom of bad actors living in a world where a monster just happens to be attacking … somewhere else. There is about 1 full minute of footage of Zarkorr and they just play it over and over again in flash forwards warning of what “might” happen amongst what I only assume is supposed to be humorous moments with the weird cast members… but it’s not funny so I am not  totally sure. Finally in the last minute of the film they arrive at where Zarkorr is attacking and we see nothing extra in what I guess was still supposed to be funny or ironic … I think? Or maybe just cheap and lazy. The same crew made another movie called Kraa the sea monster which is more of the same but more interesting because the supporting characters are interestingly weird not pathetic weird like in Zarkorr. So even that it’s the same no time with the monster joke B.S. it at least pays off a little more in other ways…but still.. not good.. nope nope no sir these monster movies from fullmoon are no good at all.. and I mean they suck kaiju butt. Zarkorr the bullshit more like it. I got this at Geek swap and I can see why the dvd owner was quite happy to give it away to me…  thanks… but man that cover is cool…. sigh…

Just watched ANOTHER WOLF COP! I will just say…

Just watched ANOTHER WOLF COP! I will just say this.. it is at least better than the first one. More action and he is in wolf form most of the movie this time.  The returning characters from the first movie are now more in the weird world they set up so they are all much more amusing than the first time. The comedy is still trying a tad too hard with its rudeness but with the all around quality heighten you can easily look past it and honestly the flow is much better so the gags at least make sense this time. I have to ask though, what’s with all Canadian indi horror comedies using nothing but 80s reference music though?.. i am not complaining.. just wondering. Cameo by Kevin Smith is funny mainly because he always stands away from everyone so you know they had him just for one day and filmed all his parts with barely anyone there, making it accidentally hilarious. ALSO the best part is Canadian go to tv guy Yannick Bisson who makes a great villain. It’s so funny hearing him swear after years of being mister goodie two shoes in Murdoch Mysteries. I would love to see him play a super villian again as the evil pretty boy with the golden smile but a heart of evil. So yeah the first movie was badly paced and a let down to me for what a great idea it was , but I think I can totally recommend this sequel as a good wacky hoser monster mash comedy. A hairy thumb up!