Category: 4 life

HOL Y FUCK! A movie staring Bret the Hitman …

HOL Y FUCK! A movie staring Bret the Hitman Hart and Corey Feldman that is directed by the writer and actor of the Canadian movie THINGS!!! This just might be a crime against humanity! I for one and very excited!

This movie may need a warning saying Dangerous for human consumption…. yep… I’m hard

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Its 2 am.. .so if your up and your mind is a drift I have compiled a list of movies that I screened at Terrible Toonie Tuesday OR Terrible Two Day Fest that are NOW available on Tubitv .. you can now watch back to back in order of when I screened then (NOTE THEY ALL APPEARED ON TUBI AFTER I SCREENED THEM… weird)

NIGHTBEAST, AXE GIANT, NEON MANIACS, SEXSQUATCH , GHOSTHOUSE, CEMETERY GATES, HOUSESHARK, NIGHT OF THE BLOODY APES, … night of the bloody apes was just recently added… sooomebodies watching me….more true than you think… Enjoy the binge watch

Giving it a try… a Wild Eye Releasing D…

Giving it a try… a Wild Eye Releasing Double bill of very rude dirty comedies, with…. SWAMP HEAD (an early release from Wild Eye) It’s a horror comedy about white trash folk getting attacked by a floating severed head covered in swamp grass… yeah that is pretty much it. 

Endearingly disgusting and stupid. Aware it is done but doesn’t ruin its own jokes. A gross out spoof with no budget at all that is still honest to the b movie monster films it is homaging.  Kids , who are obviously not kids, try and figure out what is killing the town folk only to find out the monster is amazingly stupid. Not sure which is more stupid the two “kids” or the monster.

Great AWFUL dialogue and nonsense jokes that make the rude parts seem so harmless. Like you just can’t hate an idiot now can you?  .. Can you? 

Ok Swamp Head does have a character that is handicapped and is constantly pooping… that is pretty hard to forgive.  But other than that when you have lines like “Fucking off won’t be necessary young lady” you know your writers are stupid but still care. … I think… Oh and that fat nerdy kid with tits that goes on forever… yeah ok somethings are just rude.  

BUT then there is a robot doing the robot as people get attacked by a floating man eating severed head… so all is forgiven.

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Before this I had just watched SPANISH CHAINSAW MASSACRE  (also released by Wild Eye) which is a much better made and polished Spanish horror comedy that is TOTALLY disgusting but its gross out disgusting misses the endearing part making the gross out more shocking but less fun. I love innocently disgusting films more. Even though you won’t see many movies with the BALLS that Spanish Chainsaw Massacre has.  A cross between the Dutch comedy metalheads from New Kids Nitro and The horror crew of the Cock face killer gone Euro style. However if you don’t know what New Kids Nitro or Cock Face Killer are… well shit son this conversation could go on forever and get really fucked up.. as is Spanish Chainsaw Massacre.  Try and conceive a metal head crew making an rather artsy euro comedy with extremely gore based and purposely offensive content jam packed movie. Maybe it is because Spanish Chainsaw Massacre is much better made than Swamp Head that you can’t forgive the rude parts because you feel they should know better… then you just realise pubic hair and jizz jokes is just art when you think of it in a true European point of you… ok maybe not. You won’t forget it but you spent more time just saying ew then actually laughing… which sounds prudish of me so I just dare you to watch .. go on .. do it.

Killing Zone (1991)

Killing Zone (1991)

Definitely not to be mixed up with any better martial arts films of similar names.

This movie is on drugs. The main plot is a mercenary group force a member of a chain gang to help them kidnap a mexican drug kingpin.  That is sort of the plot… I guess. I got confused pretty quick with all the walk ons , introductions to characters.

We meet Garrett who is played by American Gladiator Malibu aka Deron McBee. Malibu is the reason I needed to see this as the fact he had an acting career is amazing and bizarre with films all larger than life just like him.

Garrett is screwed over by some bad guys and ends up in a chain gang. Then after a long stint of the film where he is missing and in jail we get to meet the crime spreeing mexican drug lords (several of the bad guys played by old school Mexican heavys) along with some hilarious cartoonish over acting cops. We get a huge car chase with cops and said bad guys that is supposed to be intense but is so full of weird comically side characters that it feels like the benny hill music should be playing. Than all of a sudden Malibu returns and is taken out of jail by the cops so he can help them catch the bad guys and get some revenge for himself.  Malibu then goes on the brawling searching for the drug lords. After picking a few bar fights as he drives around on his harley. He comes off very bad ass and tough as well as just as dumb looking as The Boz from the movie Stone Cold. In fact he is basically just like the character from Stone Cold just even more of a hilarious joke.. seriously the guy looks like action figure meets a gay porn star. Malibu is so damn shiny.  Aaaannyways lot of shit goes boom, really rough fight scenes with the funniest sound effects, dialogue that will blow your mind (not in a good way) lots of cars blowing up and plenty of squibs when people get shot (then hilarious once in a while no squibs at all, there is no flow to this movie so fuck it). Oh and Melissa Moore shows up as Malibus love interest because they needed a woman as tall as him and whose tits were bigger than his.  I love Melissa Moore, she is so funny. This is not one of her shining moments but it’s great to see her even if she really has next to no role in the movie but to have a shower scene with Malibu). Seriously her and Malibu look so funny together. There two godlike bodies and the duffiest faces you will ever see. I am not really sure the relationships between malibu , the bad guys, his friends and the cops which all interlink but are all so over the top you stop paying attention and just enjoy them all kill each other till its over .. basically this movie is epicly dumb and guns go go back bang and you say weeeee. That’s about it.

Let’s take a second to look at these picture of Malibu in Killing Zone and realise again how he is basically just Val Halla from Dexter’s Lab come to life.

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more boredom while I should have been doing wo…

more boredom while I should have been doing work at the office

Been doing some random doodling lately, I thin…

Been doing some random doodling lately, I think I am dieing for a chance to be creative and less normal

The wicked folks at Farside were playing a min…

The wicked folks at Farside were playing a mini marathon of the Leprechaun flicks in honor or yesterday St pattys day. I enjoy the two hood movies but I don’t understand why they get so much hype. Probably just people getting a slightly racist kick out of the stereotypes. They are funny , Ice T is always bad ass and Warwick Davis is totally on his comedic game. The main three guys in the first hood movie are really good and the main start pulls off a decent drag performance. It is weird that in that movie the Leprechaun wants his magic whistle back… wait a minute are they mixing up Leprechauns with Smurfs? Oh people took a magic flute from the Smurfs. … ohhh shit Leprechaun vs Papa Smurf … oooohhh shit.

However that being said it is basically just a little bit snappier version of the first two Killjoy movies from Full Moon. (The killer clown demon that comes to grant wishes and seek revenge in urban settings). The killjoy movies do get a bit better as they get on but are super weak on comparison to the Leprechaun franchise. Could be worse it could be full moons Ragdoll flick.

With the Leprechaun flicks for me I enjoy the first one and part 4 is space, cause if you are gonna go weird go all the way weird.  I have yet to watch the new one which has some hate on it since it is not Warwick Davis but the Manborg guys made it and it will probably make me laugh.. and thats what matters. The Hood films made me laugh too even with its dumb sequel to a sequel joke title, so I guess I can’t a hater. Top of a morning to ya ! 

And remember it could be worse it could be WWE productions Leprechauns Origin… shudder the mere thought of that crap in a pot of gold!

Happy 65th B day to the b movie grandpappi of …

Happy 65th B day to the b movie grandpappi of em all. Gilman him self The Creature from the Black Lagoon turns 65 today!

Dead Ant (2017)

Dead Ant (2017)

Man that movie pilot comment is true and yet so misleading. It is like Spinal Tap meets Tremors yet not anywhere near . Honestly it was better than I expect it. Lots of great parts but like many american horror comedies of the 21st century it lacks flow. An insane opening scene that comes off fairly hilarious for monster violence and completely illogical nudity. Then jumps into a movie that basically takes the whole time in an RV either driving in the dessert or stuck in the dessert. The idiocy of the band is a lot like Spinal Tap but more as a bad impression of them instead of anywhere near as creative or funny. I have no idea where I got this idea but for some reason I thought that band in the movie was actually played by Steel Panther, which may not have been better acting but may have been more interesting. The CGI killer ants are not too bad as this is not a no budget backyard schlock movie but a jump back to way studio left over movie was handed to the lower ranks to in turn make stupid schlock movies, like Anaconda movies or especially Eight Legged Freaks. It is kind of like that as its a project by one of those guys that makes Christmas movies to help investors in hollywood make leftover money “disappear”.

 The ant attacks are very on par with lesser Critter movies and as mentioned Eight Legged Freaks… but again let me say , not as enjoyable. Well ok maybe as enjoyable as Critters 4 cause I personally thought that movie stank. Tom Arnold however as the bands burned out at wits end manager is shockingly very good and almost likeable in this, in a fat run down Bruce Campbell kinda way… so yeah basically in a Bruce Campbell kinda way. Oddly enough Tom sells egotistical aged rocker with gore and pain gags as he laughs out losing his hands… hmmm also not unlike Bruce would.

  Oh yeah the plot… uhhh a band on its way to perform at a stoner festival i the dessert gets stuck off the road in the middle of nowhere just as evil giant Ants invade out of the sand. They hide out in the RV as they get pegged off one by one by the monsters that get bigger and bigger . All in the name of dated hair metal references (normally I would also enjoy that) . They even use shitty hair metal to fight killer ants. A lot of driving around and bitching about life until the killer ants get them and then you get a scene as they try to find the keys to there truck while hiding the injured friends in the back and trying not to wake up the ants… so that of course is when you say “Oh yeah this is like tremors, just dumber”. It is aware that it is dumb, which does not always mean it helps the fact.

 Cheap but funny with predictable monster gore and trying to hard with sex jokes and also just plain bad jokes. It all takes places in a tiny location in the desert until the end battle of the monsters at the concert location.  Makes you wonder how the budget was decided. Probably to fill in contracts so no production budgets just real actors that needed to get paid, unlike most movies with similar plots these days. Well ok if you count Tom Arnold, Jake Busey and Sean Astin as buyable actors. Oh yeah and Tommy Hill from Twin Peaks.

 Sean Astin in his laziest role, he bare even gets up in the movie. I guess you get what you pay for eh Rudy? Goonies never say die and neither does metal dude.  Actually SPOILER Sean Astin does and he gets fucked wrecked which is his best part in the movie cause he is covered in gore effects. Kudos Sean.

All and all not thrilled but I think people will get a laugh out of it. However you could just double bill Spinal Tap and Tremors and be doing a million times better for yourself.

Munchie (1992)Ok Roger Corman make a spin off …

Munchie (1992)

Ok Roger Corman make a spin off from your slightly adult comedy but make it for kids. Basic story of a little kid called Gage is new in town and he feels alone and out of place and heavily bullied by kids and teachers, soooo luuuuckily he finds a magical little monster that grants his wishes some with monkeys paw style problem attached. Yooou know the story. 

Loni Anderson is the kids mom looking really out of place. Dom Deluise voices Munchie the magical monster. So really you can get Loni and Dom but you can’t get Burt Reynolds to play the jerk with the mustache? What a missed opportunity. The kid crushes on the bullies girlfriend who is played by Jennifer Love Hewitt which I had to look up to be sure it was even her. The end credits just call her Love Hewitt.  OH yeah and Angus Scrimm of Phantasm had a cameo as a funeral director … of course he was.. niiiice.

Munchie is supposed to be a threat as they allude to him being dangerous. However other then getting some kids in trouble a little bit but all he really wants is twinkies, ding dongs and pizza. Ha ha I said Ding dongs… thats the kind humor we are dealing with here. There is a fair bit of time where the kid deals with mean teachers and bullies and no one believed him which gives some stress cause it reminds me of my childhood. Munchie is right, School sucks.

I also feel they do not deal with Munchies so called eating problem enough and or maybe drug habit that gives these so called munchies and bugged eyes. I think maybe he just needs help damnit.

Anyways the Munchie monster teaches him to stand up for himself and how to party with a few fart and pee jokes along the way. I mean that’s what you get when Jim Wynorski  writes and directs a kids movie (something I feel is kind of inappropriate) 

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He just wants to eat and look at those fucking eyes.  Kids find a magically pot head that grants wishes and teaches you self esteem. Wonderful.

The Munchie doll is much more acceptable and cuter than Gnorm the Gnome but the hilarious inability to move it’s mouth along with Dom Deluise’s fast talking. Which does lead you to laugh AT Munchie more than WITH him. Puppets with teeth just can not win, Gorm the gnomes mouth is freaky ass too real and Munchie is hilariously stupid cheap. No winning for puppets with teeth folks. 

Super dumbed down humor that feels like Nickelodeon remade Rock n roll high school with a terrible puppet and the most blah kid in the main roll. The kid has one of those faces that you want to pinch if you were a grand mother or just slap if you were pretty much anyone else. 

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There is a sequel to this semi sequel called Munchie Strikes Back! I guess I better try it soon. (pops another pill and orders another pizza)

Actually did you ever see that kids movie Big Fat Liar starring Frankie Muniz? The humor is really similar to that except you replace Frankie Muniz with a weird little monster… oh wait so it actually is the same after all. 

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I am honored to have this piece of crapola tape in my collection after a friend gifted it to me with shock that I did not already own it. I love how the price tag has the words PU written on it as well. Very true.

Ok ok the original Munchies isn’t that funny either so I have no idea what I am going on about.

I am totally eating more pizza now.