Category: 4 life

Evil Clutch (1988)

What an amazing poster for a movie not exactly that badass. Which may explain why Troma had been able to snag the distrobution rights. The movie is kinda cool though.

Called Il Bosco 1 (the foresst 1) in Italy (the films country of origin) adding the one to mock the trend of horror sequels. Its super odd that the movie does that as its not a comedy. Instead its a heavy homage to horror movies stereotypes and shots told in an usual beat with several aside sections , which is kind of like family guy so many it is a comedy and I just didnt get the joke. I mean the monsters do look wacky and there is a crotch but just becaise Troma sells this you need to remember this is an Italian ghost movie.

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Fun goopy make up and a weird nu wave rocker girl who is secretly or not so secretly a demon.. yet she laughs like a witch and has vampire fangs. She does kill a guy in the first minute by ripping his balls off, so kudos for her. I enjoyed the weird random characters like a goggle wearing old man that tells stories with a throat voice box.  

Also take a drink when someone says the word weird. 

It is legit weird but it takes a long time to get to the head ripping zombie monsters and hen they do show up they feel like something straight outta Spookies. .. oh shit maybe I should just watch Spookies.

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Picture above is not someone from the movie. 

Basic premiss of a young couple go on a trip to the country side out side of venice where they meet the early mentioned demon girl, but honestly everything they meet seems odd and creepy so they were fucked before they even went in the woods and the Sam Raimi shots start happening.

Also take a big drink when the main characters whistle a copy rightly vage version of Whistle while we work from Snow White. It’s extremely awkward.

There is some classic iltalian horror gore and moody music but it feels like it doesnt matter making it miss the punch it could have had. Imagine a more self aware Ghosthouse. Worth a watch but maybe be less sober than I.

Again beware the crotch monster.

So you could watch this euro spook show inside joke called Evil Clutch (not really a haunted purse) or you can listen to the song Evil by Clutch… or both…

The Mummy’s Dungeon (1993)

Is this even a movie? Oh fuck, what have I gotten myself into? I don’t know if I can review this. Home made shot on video sleaze that feels like those WAVE mail order movie thats basically fetish videos and well this movie is not to different. Made by 

G.W. Lawrence whos other films include titles like Damsel in Distress 2 and The Kind of Meat you can’t Buy in the Store (you see where this is going right?) 

Basically repetition is key here. Basically it’s 128 minutes of a sleazy looking dude in a house coat taking really cheese photos of about a dozen different models one by one. The models looks like they should all be girls from the Heavy Metal Parking Lot short documentary. Each scene is about 5 minutes of taking the worst photos ever until scene ends by killing the girl. After a bit the sleazy photographer uses the girls blood to resurrect a tall dorky looking Mummy. Then they together continue to keep killing girls one by one after long drawn out sometimes silly photoshoots. There are barely any other characters or locations other than the photographers house (there are some but its totally not important).

Also luckily for these poor actresses they usually faint at the sight of the mummy so they can be dragged away and killed on a table.. which is good cause it meant less acting and work for these girls.

 Soooo basically it’s a dozen of the worse playboy photoshoots that each end in a murder and a funny looking Mummy.

Maybe it’s the home video camera that makes it look sleazier and dirtier but it definitely does not make it a better movie. You can smell how bad this looks. It’s should make you need to take a bath. 

 Magic what you can do with a camera and a will to live, isn’t it. 

The first two photos anyone has ever seen from ASSAULT ON THE SNAKEMEN… and 2 GIFS of Austin Mombourquette everything else is shrouded in mystery for now… hell I just rewrote half the story yesterday… gonna be funny folks… just saying…

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Which would you prefer?

Bad Canadian movies Eh.. Happy Canada day

HOL Y FUCK! A movie staring Bret the Hitman Hart and Corey Feldman that is directed by the writer and actor of the Canadian movie THINGS!!! This just might be a crime against humanity! I for one and very excited!

This movie may need a warning saying Dangerous for human consumption…. yep… I’m hard

Its 2 am.. .so if your up and your mind is a drift I have compiled a list of movies that I screened at Terrible Toonie Tuesday OR Terrible Two Day Fest that are NOW available on Tubitv .. you can now watch back to back in order of when I screened then (NOTE THEY ALL APPEARED ON TUBI AFTER I SCREENED THEM… weird)

NIGHTBEAST, AXE GIANT, NEON MANIACS, SEXSQUATCH , GHOSTHOUSE, CEMETERY GATES, HOUSESHARK, NIGHT OF THE BLOODY APES, … night of the bloody apes was just recently added… sooomebodies watching me….more true than you think… Enjoy the binge watch

Giving it a try… a Wild Eye Releasing Double bill of very rude dirty comedies, with…. SWAMP HEAD (an early release from Wild Eye) It’s a horror comedy about white trash folk getting attacked by a floating severed head covered in swamp grass… yeah that is pretty much it. 

Endearingly disgusting and stupid. Aware it is done but doesn’t ruin its own jokes. A gross out spoof with no budget at all that is still honest to the b movie monster films it is homaging.  Kids , who are obviously not kids, try and figure out what is killing the town folk only to find out the monster is amazingly stupid. Not sure which is more stupid the two “kids” or the monster.

Great AWFUL dialogue and nonsense jokes that make the rude parts seem so harmless. Like you just can’t hate an idiot now can you?  .. Can you? 

Ok Swamp Head does have a character that is handicapped and is constantly pooping… that is pretty hard to forgive.  But other than that when you have lines like “Fucking off won’t be necessary young lady” you know your writers are stupid but still care. … I think… Oh and that fat nerdy kid with tits that goes on forever… yeah ok somethings are just rude.  

BUT then there is a robot doing the robot as people get attacked by a floating man eating severed head… so all is forgiven.

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Before this I had just watched SPANISH CHAINSAW MASSACRE  (also released by Wild Eye) which is a much better made and polished Spanish horror comedy that is TOTALLY disgusting but its gross out disgusting misses the endearing part making the gross out more shocking but less fun. I love innocently disgusting films more. Even though you won’t see many movies with the BALLS that Spanish Chainsaw Massacre has.  A cross between the Dutch comedy metalheads from New Kids Nitro and The horror crew of the Cock face killer gone Euro style. However if you don’t know what New Kids Nitro or Cock Face Killer are… well shit son this conversation could go on forever and get really fucked up.. as is Spanish Chainsaw Massacre.  Try and conceive a metal head crew making an rather artsy euro comedy with extremely gore based and purposely offensive content jam packed movie. Maybe it is because Spanish Chainsaw Massacre is much better made than Swamp Head that you can’t forgive the rude parts because you feel they should know better… then you just realise pubic hair and jizz jokes is just art when you think of it in a true European point of you… ok maybe not. You won’t forget it but you spent more time just saying ew then actually laughing… which sounds prudish of me so I just dare you to watch .. go on .. do it.

Killing Zone (1991)

Definitely not to be mixed up with any better martial arts films of similar names.

This movie is on drugs. The main plot is a mercenary group force a member of a chain gang to help them kidnap a mexican drug kingpin.  That is sort of the plot… I guess. I got confused pretty quick with all the walk ons , introductions to characters.

We meet Garrett who is played by American Gladiator Malibu aka Deron McBee. Malibu is the reason I needed to see this as the fact he had an acting career is amazing and bizarre with films all larger than life just like him.

Garrett is screwed over by some bad guys and ends up in a chain gang. Then after a long stint of the film where he is missing and in jail we get to meet the crime spreeing mexican drug lords (several of the bad guys played by old school Mexican heavys) along with some hilarious cartoonish over acting cops. We get a huge car chase with cops and said bad guys that is supposed to be intense but is so full of weird comically side characters that it feels like the benny hill music should be playing. Than all of a sudden Malibu returns and is taken out of jail by the cops so he can help them catch the bad guys and get some revenge for himself.  Malibu then goes on the brawling searching for the drug lords. After picking a few bar fights as he drives around on his harley. He comes off very bad ass and tough as well as just as dumb looking as The Boz from the movie Stone Cold. In fact he is basically just like the character from Stone Cold just even more of a hilarious joke.. seriously the guy looks like action figure meets a gay porn star. Malibu is so damn shiny.  Aaaannyways lot of shit goes boom, really rough fight scenes with the funniest sound effects, dialogue that will blow your mind (not in a good way) lots of cars blowing up and plenty of squibs when people get shot (then hilarious once in a while no squibs at all, there is no flow to this movie so fuck it). Oh and Melissa Moore shows up as Malibus love interest because they needed a woman as tall as him and whose tits were bigger than his.  I love Melissa Moore, she is so funny. This is not one of her shining moments but it’s great to see her even if she really has next to no role in the movie but to have a shower scene with Malibu). Seriously her and Malibu look so funny together. There two godlike bodies and the duffiest faces you will ever see. I am not really sure the relationships between malibu , the bad guys, his friends and the cops which all interlink but are all so over the top you stop paying attention and just enjoy them all kill each other till its over .. basically this movie is epicly dumb and guns go go back bang and you say weeeee. That’s about it.

Let’s take a second to look at these picture of Malibu in Killing Zone and realise again how he is basically just Val Halla from Dexter’s Lab come to life.

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more boredom while I should have been doing work at the office