Category: 4 life

Ohhhh fucking Shit watch Robowar right now…..

Ohhhh fucking Shit watch Robowar right now.. originally title battle bots but the distributor changed the title so you would think it was other products but not to be mixed with the Reb Brown movie. .. buuut seriously Robowar is streaming now so fucking watch it now.. it is amazingly cutting every fucking corner.. soooo much passion made out of household items found in your kitchen. Soooo much intensity by actors who have no idea what acting is. A dollar store Robot jox and Fury Road done the way of Hardware Wars budget yet done dead seriously.   

A post apocalyptic world taken over by a silver man known as Cesar (played by Jeff Kirkendall one of the main stays of the recent Polonia universe) and his army of androids who are about to make a final strike against a rebel group low rent soldiers and mutants (very low rent). The rebels plan to take over one of the old giant mechs from the old war and use it to fight back, but Cesar is taking over one of the last giant robots as well. …. Sounds good right… well it is to me.. buuuuuuuut maybe just not good in the way you think, buuuut if you know me then you know where I am going with this. 

The giant mechs are guys in not terrible but definitely not good home made robot suits and they do not try very hard to make you feel that they are giant except to have them fight in a quarry like a Power ranger villian that only fights using the Captain Kirk double axe handle attack … good enough folks.. good a fucking nuff.

Cheaper and weaker then most fan films. But for all the quality nerd effects and cosplayer costume magic Polonia backyard movies have more love to give.

Rocking full length which the snazzy polished fan films of the internet cant say and taking more chances with bozo ridiculous ideas then any snobby internet tech nerd ever would. 

Oh that halloween mask on the mutant Squirrel and those garage band sound effects that I used a lot in Personal Space Invader 2 haha.. good shit guys good shit. Big rubber novelty thumb up. 

Yes sometimes you are laughing at this more than with this but the insane dialogue and recognisable household products or Spirits of halloween items as props and costumes will bring a  wonderfully innocent laughter even if it is a bit mocking. Wait till Mark Polonia cameos and has a speech only to be followed up by a scene with the worlds worst super imposed fire.  Ohhh when the one guys mask is upside down in a scene you honestly can not tell if that is an inside joke or a mistake. That is the magical wonder of taking a shitty b movie dead seriously. I commend the crew so much for it.  

For my Bad movie Christmas party we watched the Polonia bros wonder known as Feeders 2 Slay Bells. Staring Mark Polonia himself and his family as their home is attacked by tiny vicious aliens (made out of styrofoam balls and pipe cleaners) and only Santa himself can save the family before Christmas is ruined. Filled in with a huge flash back to the first movie that has next to nothing to do with the sequel. I always loved that movie and was shocked how much my club members loved seeing it at the party. People were having so much fun laughing at it and yet cheering on the characters to keep doing what they were doing. Fun at the expense of the actors yet praising them so hard as well for trying so gosh darn hard… yes gosh darn.. i said it gosh fucking darn,

I really hope the club and all of you get to see RoboWar and Frozen Sasquatch as they are the movies Mark Polonia and his regular posse made in the last year. Cheaper and worse than an Asylum movie yet so much fucking better at the same time.  Here is a much quicker article I wrote on Frozen Sasquatch if you dare https://riotatthemovies.tumblr.com/post/179910556272/oh-shit-son-the-polonia-bros-movie-frozen

Thank you for still doing this Mark FN Polonia

X mas fundraiser cause I am a grinchy geek :)

Holiday fundraiser 55 cents Canadian on your paypal buddy! This is a mini archive of Riots last bad movie reviews and posts before his blog would shut down in a co protest against censoring and selling out. Underground DIY movies for life. The 50 cents you paid to download this zine of rude drunken rambling on bad movies goes to the christmas toy drive Riot has been running already in progress at the eyesore cinema seasonal movie screenings. Also comes with an E copy of Riots second book Bad movies and booze. Just available until the blog shuts down on new years day. Yeesss I know protests like that are usually more self harming then positive. But it is really just an excuse for me to be reborn in a new better way. We will see you all again soon my freaky friends. 

Thanks again.

Only 55 cents on your pay pal goes to the charity and you get the Zine recap and my second book… boooya

Both the 2018 recap Zine and the Bad movies and booze book come in Epub file and simple txt and picture document for your easy reading. Have a laugh for the holidays. https://payhip.com/b/j7wM

This is the only article that will appear on my page on the 17th cause I am a trouble making asshat.  

Terrordactyle (2016)

Terrordactyle (2016)

A simple and stupid sci fi tv network released cgi monster movie comedy.  In the vein of Lavalantula and every MEga Shark movie we get Pterodactyls from space.  This stands out cause the characters are much better (still all losers but) than the plastic Megashark and whatever monster vs whatever monsters of late. Also not as obnoxious as the Lavalantula and Sharknados guys. Two dumb dudes find a meteorite which ends but being an egg along with the invading flock of near a 1000 more pterodactyls from space. They are joined by a bar waitress that just happens to be a weapons expert and very educated in meteorites. She didn’t need to be that smart cause the two main dudes are so dumb you did not have to impress us to show us she is way smarter then them. Also joined by a creepy old drunk marine that happens to have a lot of weapons thus somehow making this motley crew a better then to the invading monsters then the police and local military were.  This movie is close to Big Ass Spider just not AS funny. Yet not as awful as the million of asylum type movies that are exactly like this. Decent actors (for this kind of schlock crap movie) and shockingly decent cgi and practical monsters (practical when the monsters are dead so they don’t have to move) Great monster jumbo sized climax that also puts it up there with Big Ass Spider or the great uncle of these flicks 8 Legged Freaks.. just with giant and sometimes extra giant flying dino birds.

Watching this MOONBEAM kids movie. I had nev…

Watching this MOONBEAM kids movie. I had never heard of this till just now… and its melting my brain. Stars Bernie as in the dead guy from Weekend At Bernies. Kids are given aliens pets by Cowboy alien pet shop owners. Yep.. weird.. if Tim Burton made a nickelodeon kids movie in the late 90s.

The worse puppets ever.. look at that fuckin demonic furby!

Charles band basically doing puppet master for kids… little collectable assorting mini monsters is all he could ever do. 

It is kind of funny actually… what the fuck is wrong with me?

I am sure Charles Band ruined the careers of these kids just as bad as any Nick Jr kid that did not become a pop singer.

But seriously WORSE puppets every, I kiiiind of dare you to see it for yourself. 

Even in my bad movie corner of the internet th…

Even in my bad movie corner of the internet there is still room for lots of cats

31 nights of Halloweiners

Creeptales (1989)

Tonights b movie horrible horror is a extremely bad anthology flick..  Made in 1989 dont let imdbs 2004 confuse you, the internet says this never had a real release until 2004 but thats not exactly true. Aaanyways, two dumb zombies get a video tape from the local video store. They return home to watch the tape with a group of monster friend that remind me of the posse from Basket Case 2 and 3 but cheaper. Filmed awful and blurry so I just chose to post the movie on here right now for you to all join in on my pain. However I remember renting this back in the day and it looked that bad too.. so its not just the digital transfer. The monsters watch some super cheap horror shorts, one about a crazy old lady, another about a killer purse and a third simply called groovy ghoulie garage staring some punks like look like leftovers from slc punk on their way to a Halloween party (wait till they try to rap) but it’s easily a better short then the others. The shorts were all made by different people and Creeptales just compiled them on the cheap. Cool itea but not a good film.  The comments on imdb are haaaaaarsh but they don’t understand bad movies fun like you and me. The main reason to watch it though is for the random monsters mumbling and partying as they watch the movie with you… reminds me of my friends who are all freaks too. However that is not exactly a good thing.

Hooray for shitty compilation sets I forgot that I owned.

 Anyways I DARE you to watch it!

I dare you….. BWAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA…… cough……

31 days of real Hallo WEINERS! 

31 days of real Hallo WEINERS! 

Ghoul School (1990)

The infamous kingpin of shot on video horror comedy schlock. Trust me that is a title to be proud of. Cheap and dumb and is totally ok with it. A high school misadventures that leads nerds into a mix up with criminals and deadly chemicals that turns the school kids into zombies. Luckily the nerds watch a lot of bad horror movies so they spring into dorky action. Pointless swearing and over acting, evil adults and stoned teenagers verses of course the living dead. Cheerleaders (especially swim team girls) and dumb gags and a few throat tears outs are all you need to please me sometime. The gags are so bad that they eventually have a stand up comedian show up and do dirty jokes for no reason whatsoever , well except to pad time. Also add go to cheapie metal band to fill in time too (that is a staple that all old school bad horror films need so you just have to accept it)

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Seriously imagine the amazing Class of Nuke Em High with a quarter of the budget… yeah seriously budgets can get that low as shocking as it seems. 

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 The main dorky characters are very relatable to my geeky self. Making this movie oddly ahead of its time as these days all retro horror comedies are all about geeks being aware of how to deal with the horror situation. They remind me a lot of the two horror nerds in Summer School.

You can get a collectors comic to commemorate the great BAD movies.

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So basssicaly , criminals planned on doing a drug deal at the high school with experimental drugs (or so they think) which get into the school water system by accident of course. Blue face zombies start popping up, starting with the swim team of course. The swim team now don’t just suck face with the school cheerleaders they try to eat their faces right off. But first they need to slip on every wet floor hallway in the school first.  Awkward ugly characters clash with the zombies and bad gags that there definitely is a lot to be desired but seriously get over it, put up a dumb t shirt (maybe one that exposes your belly a bit), get some beer and pizza rolls and enjoy yeah freakin’ idiots because……

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The Refrigerator (1991)

The Refrigerator (1991)

Sometimes known as Attack of the Killer Refrigerator but so not to be mistaken by the short film of the same name from the year before it is often just shown as The Refrigerator.   For years I had seen the short and there for thought the full length film was the same thing. As the short was released on a wide release vhs along with other shorts. 

 The short is a silly shot on a video home movie played totally straight as drunken party goers get eaten by a fridge in oddly gorey ways.

The full length film made a year later has no connection to the short (at least not what I found) is a slightly avante garde couples comedy. If it was a major released movie it would star a young Tom Hanks and Shelly Long reenacting Money Pit where somehow at the end we find out the house is actually cursed and alive and it eats and kills all their friends. Sadly it is not that big of a film so we get some first time actors that have to try some odd over acting on purpose to cover up the lack of skill and script. A young couple move into the cheap part of town to a cheap apartment to save money. In the apartment is an ancient fridge that is messing with their heads and making mayhem secretly. We get to meet some interesting side character like the building superintendent / repairman who is also a salsa / tap dancer.  When the fridge actually does kill some people there is some shocking legit blood splatter as the refrigerator om nom nom noms its victims. However the rest of the film is a yuppie / economy referencing hip comedy that feels like Money Pit meets Joe’s Apartment that dips into a troma comedy and Microwave Massacre. Ahh Microwave Massacre and straight out comedy that doesn’t even try to be serious but still knows its rooted in sleazy horror in all its slimy roots. The Refrigerator (1991) feels like its being a heavily ironic David Lynch project as its more about mental break down and loss of reality from the stress of the adult american life style. Which maybe I am just a burnout horror geek I just feel you gotta be really good to live up to that and this movie couldn’t possible actually be that.  A review on the tape box compares it to Rosemary’s Baby… ummm ok and Death Bed the bed that eats is comparable to Casablanca meets Jacob’s Ladder. Suuuure. 

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In 2015 some guys made a new short with the same name that has some wacky special effects as aliens come out of their fridge. 

But that being said I still prefer the home movie original 1990 short in all its crappy glory. It feels like you found someone home movie joke that you were never supposed to see. Especially in the scene where a drunk guy gets out of bed to check whos being attacked by the fridge and the camera stays on him until it notices his balls are showing and it quickly moves away. Also equally silly om nom nom action from fridge that eats you all up. There are clips of the original short on youtube but it takes more to effort to find the full 16 minute short but it is worth it.

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31 days of Halloweeners

31 days of Horror B movies. 

I am so tired and its been a crazy few days so my reviews have been half assed. Except on Sunday you guys seemed to like that one. 

So instead of doing a review I am going to post a very old video review I did years ago before this blog that no one ever watched.

Thanks to Ian Butt for inspiring me to rewatch this…

DARKNESS aka DARKNESS THE VAMPIRE VERSION 

I am going to sleep now

Bikini Swamp Girl Massacre (2014)Doesn’t Bikin…

Bikini Swamp Girl Massacre (2014)

Doesn’t Bikini Girl Swamp Massacre make more sense?

I am trying to find ever b horror that is a riff on Slumber party massacre… so something to do with girls and usually the word massacre.  There are so many.. last slumber party, clown camp massacre, summer camp massacre, psycho sleepover, cheerleader massacre 1 and 2, Spring break massacre camp… yeah there is a lot and pretty much all crap. Yet some crap in an entertaining way. Bikini Girl Swamp Massacre is… alllmost that. It had one or two wink wink silly parts to admit to you that they know this movie stinks but for how stinky this movie is I am very impressed how straight they play it. 

A group of women go on a backwoods retreat in the adirondacks with a swamp tour guide. A tour guy that already accidental fed some other tourists to an insane man in the swamp. The girls are shockingly attractive for this cheap a movie but its the suuuuuuper fucking awkward killer that will make you remember this one. The killer is not just some random masked assailant. He is a tomahawk waving insane native stereotype headhunter. Going by the name of 

Coowahchohee and talking in a racist Tonto accent with face paint similar to that of the cannibals from Cannibal Ferox. As soon as you meet the killer its obvious that it is played by a white guy so immediately you just wanna say RAAACCIST. But what makes it ALMOST interesting is that it becomes obvious that the killer is a white man who just lost his mind after living in the swamp for too long and he thinks he is some mixed up stereotype persona. … I guess that makes it better. I guess?

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Also the real charm is the terrible acting and the lack of music. People get killed and the actresses barely react. Same with all the walk on extras who deliver all the dead pan. “Oh no 

Coowahchohee please don’t kill me… oh no… please no.. oh no.” Their line delivers are so dead pan and emotional at first I thought it was that the characters are being sarcastic… buuuut I think its just literally reading off cue cards. OR just shit acting….. pssst secret is… its just shit acting.

There is barely any plot. Some funny stuff at the beginning a decent final girl escapes the killer scene at the end. But outside of that you just watch one of the girls fuck up her foot and then we watch everyone freak out about for for like 30 odd minutes.

Strange however cause sometimes when the girls are talking to each other they seem to get into the roles. Then the very next second they sound like kids who were forced into performing a high school play in front of their parents. I can’t possible type words lackluster enough to do it justice. I dare you to experience. Drink a few margaritas first though .

Mr Butt had an awesome Pinky Violence screening tonight.. but the I watched a 31 days of halloween crap horror film…. And holy shit folks I think I watched one of the worst for the season. I am trying to watch cheesy b horror films I have not scene before.. and this is a dangerous landmind field to walk in.