Category: 31 days of horror

Minutes to Midnight (2018)

Holy stinker… last quarter is good when everyone dies. But that’s not saying much. Filled with has been actors that have no reason to be there nor read the script so they have no idea why they are there. Except Johnny Mundo Hennigan who is the actual star (if anyone can be the star of this) who looks better and acts better then everyone. Kudos Johnny.

The killers who do not look like the they do on this cover (including Bill Mosley who dresses up like he is Otis from Devils Rejects but doesnt do anything cause obviously they has him for one after noon)

A victim of unfinished scenes edited poorly and a group of youths in a cabin waiting to get killed… and they are soooo fucking unlikable and you wait soooo long for them to die you don’t even care when they do die. There is a middle group folks. Make em assholes so your not upset that they are dead but make them likable enough that you care to see them get to that point at all.

The big killer Angus looked cool with interesting weapons that seem like its product from some other random movie. The film only teases why the killers are the way they are and the ending quarters “explanation” or “twists” seems really dumb so in turn in my memory the killers are just 3 unrelated cosplayers gone insane and their is no reason for anything. 

Again Johnny was great, he didn’t fit in this movie at all but still stood out better as these more polished “actors”.

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William Baldwin and Richard Grieco? What the hell. How much did they get paid in booze for this movie? Ugh B horror movies made in Hollywood is such a convoluted load of shit. Slick look , cool costumes no fucking soul at all. Mashed together and throw out to the public. 

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What really was the plot about? Kids in a cabin in a wood with a history of three random killers that never really get around to doing anything. A whole shit ton of extra characters that just hang around and over act, being bitchy or just plain annoying then finally just die. That’s all I got.  

Ugh now I’m rambling. Just like this movie that felt like 1000 minutes too long till midnight.

Seriously , I just watched this and I don’t know what this movie was about.

…..

Oh wait it’s directed by Chris OLEN Ray… fuck… that explains it. 

Drop remote and goes to bed…. gah

Eat and Run (1986)

I bought this fairly warped vhs tape for 50 cents and a friends garage sale. The very warped effects on the tape kind of added to the oddity of this lil gem that I had the honor or watching for the first time ever. 

My friend said he did not remember every watching so he doubted it could be that good. But it seemed up my alley.

Only in a Mad magazine and National lampoons loving mid 80s world could this movie be born. Film professionally but at the same time an underground comedy that makes the most questionable of jokes in both taste and quality. 

Ron Silver.. yes that Ron Silver folks plays a cop that is basically a young Frank Drebben of Police Squad that is hunting down a fat alien dressed in a tweed suit who likes to eat Italian.. yes like the vhs tape says he eats Italian people. Basically all you need to know other then the fact that the fat alien dressed like a nerd is played by the evil mayor from the first Toxic Avenger movie and has some solid comedy timing without actually speaking in words but in grunts.

The comedy is a time capsule of trash comedy. In the vain of movies like Night Patrol, Fast Food and Screw Balls we get childish puns and dumb gags mixed with outlandish takes on the American Judicial system and mental health. Neither subjects are suiting of this film , which I think the film is aware of but just doesn’t give a shit as this is a movie about a fat nerd alien eating people in upper New Jersey and little Italy New York.

Ron Silvers character has running gags of always speaking in out loud monologue form, getting stuck in weird alliteration puns in ways that would make classic comics like Danny Kay cringe and then the next second goes into awkward raunchy humor of how he cant give a woman and orgasm and deciding if a racist old lady is funny or not while random people get hit by cars in the background.  Very fucking odd indeed.  Bless you Ron.. bless you.

Imagine if Jerry Lewis, Woody Allen has sex with the Zucker Brothers , Lloyd Kaufman and the Unknown comic… then drink heavily because really did you want to visualize that? I hope not. 

Totally worth the 50 cents.

The Midnight Hour (1985)

Fun made for tv Halloween flick. I love horror but halloween needs a lil magic fantasy in it too. This movie is alot of. Lavar Burton for the win.  

Fun cast for a Halloween mainstays playing off the classic American 50s “taken your girl to the drive in , in your big car listening to Wolfman Jack playing The Last Kiss during a spooky movie” type of vibe. As the dead awaken on all Hallows eve in this little town full of picket fences when a Salem era witch comes back to life and crashs a house party.  Humor with some straight faced spookiness. 

Wolfman Jack appears as him self , 

Shari Belafonte looks great as one of the main centres of the film and Kurtwood Smith as the town sherriff is perfect. 

Also genre legend Kevin McCarthy being the same thing and yet perfect as he is in ever role he plays.

Simply a great mixed hollywood.. and “off” hollywood cast.

Basically it’s like Night of the Demons if it was a family film. Great for the season .

Grave Encounters (2011)

We watched Grave Encounters tonight a Terrible Toonie Tuesday… why cause I love it. Most likeable cast in a found footage spook house flick out there.. forget the sequel. Cheesie jump scares and dumb haunted fun, no deep dark relatable metaphors that I ain’t got time for when Im watching with friends. Just some ghost hunters that I relate to. That’s all I need for Halloween and that’s all the review you get because if you join our monthly screening club youd find out how good it was to.  Goodnight… great night.

 BOO 🙂

Lance looks like Jay and Matt of the Purple Podcast mixed into one person.

Die Hard Dracula (1998)

The monthly B movies screening at The Handlebar bar in Toronto play a doozy tonight. One of the worst of the worse. 

Many people were asking if it was a spoof remake of Die Hard with Vampires. Which showed they were new to badmovies and probably were not ready for what they saw.  So otherwords no it has nothing to do with DieHard.. just a weird name for this very odd movie.

Zero budget mumbeled movie that oddly has Crispin Glovers Dad playing Van Helsing. Bad act worse special effects even worse script.

Many momments are funny on purpose like the infamous flying coffin opening scene that is to be seen to be believed. But a good chunk of this movie panders along that you know the writer director thought the story and random odd ball characters were interesting and made sense. They were very wrong, but they liked it.   

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Oh man this movies loves using up all the Euro stalk footage from someones tourist home videos. They never run out of that stuff. Plenty a gurellia filler shot of catherdrals, castles and clocks.

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A main plot of a young American man that goes on a solo trip to Europe after the death of his girlfriend. In Romania he finds a look alike of his girlfriend who oddly had recently come back from the dead herself… coincidence as its just a look alike.. suuuurrree. 

Then we meet a group of local villagers that are very weird and only seem less creepy on comparison to the movies Dracula who may win homeliest Dracula in a movie. They play off the Gary Oldman Dracula that gets less ugly the more he feeds and heals but he Die Hard Dracula even with less make up he still seems like the creepy bloated drunk Uncle that no one feels safe leaving the kids alone with.

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If you can get through this and keep smiling and you “get” the intense Badmovie logic I commend you and I consider you part of my Bad movies posse. 

So go on.. watch this fart of a movies and when you see the special effects you too will feel special indeed.

Honestly if you don’t laugh out loud over this film , you have less soul then Dracula himself. 

Yipe kai yeah mother fucker (sadly never said in this movie, not even mother sucker)

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Mummy Reborn (2019)

 Wow… I loved it. Lets just say that.  
Is it good? HEEELLL NO!
I thought I had never heard of this until I pressed play. Then I remembered seeing a very missleading trailer for it. Played out like an epic movie but looked like it was in someones backyard.  

Check this… The cover is a rip off of the dvd cover for Day of the Mummy a super cheap found footage American movie from 2014 with a cameo by Danny Glover that was made to look like a rip off of one of the Brendan Fraser Mummy movies. So I thought it was a sequel to that, but nope. I was tricked by a rip off cover rip off cover. A Russian doll of misleading marketing. Call me impressed by this trickery. This chicanery dare I say. 

 Infact this is an English shot on cheap digital video movie made by people just out of highschool. Shown by the pimple on the chin of the main girl in the cast. She is supposed to be very stressed but I doubt that was method acting. Cheap but funny and more off the wall then a generic young people in a house getting attacked by a mummy movie should be.
Our main lead is a young woman raising her autistic brother and going through hard times. This makes it again seem like a serious dramatic horror movie until you get a whiff of bad acting from the austistic brother, which is border line tastless but the jury is out if thats on purpose or just bad acting. (Watch knowing my luck I will find out later he really was autistic so then I look rude and an idiot, Cest la vie), Then you see all the bills his sister is going through as they are having finanical issues and some of the letters say MORE BILLS on them. That’s when it started to click in that this was a joke. I mean you watch the opening scene with some friends and some drinks and you will already laughing regardless if it’s a legit comedy or not. 

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Lets talk about this stalking mummy in his dread lock looking bandages and slippers style feet. He looks very warm and cozy in the costume. He seems like a fun dude to party with. 

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The troubled sister and austistic brother get tangled up with the mummy when they steal the mummy from a curator and try to sell it. Of course the mummy wakes up , kills some then enslaves and dresses up the others. Basically filmed all in their backyard and drive way with a small cast. The mummy at one point walks away into the woods behind the house to kill a few stoners who were extras they just had for a momment but worked as useful filler. The actors are pretty bad but all witty enough to be likable. I perticularly like Karen the curator, she has a line early on about her sex therapist that is so random it again made me say outloud , while I’m alone “ok what am I watching?”

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Ending in some of the lamest fight scenes I have ever seen but by this point I am sure they know it cause the real jokes come out and this often played straight film comes off the handles in a way so wonderfully awful I really recommend you see it. But again, in a group of friends and with booze. 

Not to mix this up with Mummy Rebirth also made this year but thats’ an American movie that feels like a much more hollywood film. Its still a low budget movie. But more like a souless Asylum mockbuster instead of a hilarious backyard horror movie like Mummy Reborn was. Don’t take yourself seriously and check it out.

The hilariously over dramatised trailer

The Dark Power (1987)

  A lazy review tonight of a movie I reviewed in my first published book of bad movie reviews. Dark Power has college kids getting attacked by a group of zombies of the Tolteks native tribe, who look like they should team up with the Neon Maniacs. Im watching on Riff Trax because I have a head ache and riff trax is like lube for badmovies. Who I I kidding, I love this awful movie.

Here’s what I said in my book (a shameless plug for it’s available on Amazon called The Weird Book of Bad Movies )

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The Dark Power: A weird little movie made for no money in the 80s with a guest appearance of classic western actor Lash La Rue, drunkenly mumbling his way through his lines. A group of college kids share a house that is built on an Indian burial ground (yep I know you’ve heard that one before). A good portion of the film is getting to know the dorky crew that live in the house and the weird people in the town. That goes on for so long you almost forget that.. yes.. this is a zombie monster movie. The spirits of the Shamans buried near by rise from the graves, each with their own weird and oddly hilarious personality traits leading to some creative hijinks even if it is just chasing people in and out of the house. Shockingly fun, if maybe by mistake or not.

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Since the book release I would like to take back the comment about the movie being made for little money. It’s irrelevant, because on comparison to most of the movies I review, the budget was quiet average, but just a lot dumber.

Id also like to add a big thank you to all those hilarious 80s panties that horror movie sorority girls had to wear. The girls in this movie are perticularly sassy and funny and I want to thank them for all they went through. Good old 80s sorority horror.

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Watch it on Riff Trax but Im serious when I say the movie is funny on it’s own to.

Flesh Freaks (2000) Kill them and Eat Them (2001)

My friends at Gold Ninja video released two movies filmed in someones backyard down the street from me. 

In 2009 I met Conal Pendergast on the set of a commercial (being made by Justin who would later make Gold Ninja Video) and we had a conversation about my favorite bad movie Suburban Sasquatch. Conal asked if I owned it on a double disc with Kill Em and Eat Them but did not say why. I would go home that night and discover it was because he made the no budget monster movie . I would later discover Flesh Freaks that he also made 10 yrs before we met with some scenes in the same location we were shooting the commercial in.

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He made these movies with no budget , often in his parents basement, using paper mache for monster masks all while finishing up high school,

Flesh Freaks is a high school production homage to the Fulci Zombi sequels with the taste of the Mad Doctor of Blood Island movies. Zombies from a troplical country make their way to Toronto. With a wink to Night of the Creeps via Things style props. Using vacation footage in Belize to show the zombies origin in  flashbacks while narrating it in a voice that sounds like the begining of Ministrys Jesus build my hotrod.

Kill them and Eat them is a more self aware, humorous movie about gangsters and mad scientists making mutants. Guyver via the way of AstroZombies with a twist of Dr Butcher MD. Sillier monsters but snappier performances and a pretty badass soundtrack for again a 19 yr olds shot on video project with paper mache monsters.  

What they lack in skills and budget they make up for in passion honesty and pure fanboy enthusiasms. Flesh Freaks has some pretty gross zombies and Kill them and Eat them rocks a more snappy pace if not a little bit sillier. But even at it’s silliest you can not help but feel like you wanna join in and make a sequel to both of them.

The Blu Ray is jam packed with history and chats that will tickle and inspire any “do it your self” film maker of shot on video vhs era fan. Totally recommend this madness. 2 rotting thumbs up.

Knight of the Dead (2013)

I had gone on run of watching Knight vs evil magic movies lately.  

Berserker: Hell’s Warrior about a viking warrior vs demons who half way through ended up in present day and turned into a bloody Highlander rip off (bloody as in more gore not how Sean Connery would say it). Then I watched Olaf Ittenbachs ridiculous Legend of Hell of viking, monks and Camelot style knight characters that die and meet each other in a limbo full of zombies. Sooooo I see a cheap copy of Knight of the Dead and I say sure why not… how bad could it be? 

Owch, 

Honestly it was filmed more epic and taken much more seriously then the other two. Much more straight forward and the actors seemed to care (even the guy withe the present day hair cut). I was expecting shot on home video with dollar store effects, but “technially” it was made better than that. Some very obviously flubs and mistakes which stand out but what ever, shit happens. 

 Dark and grey and very atmospheric but… holy shit was it boring and wow no one will make you give a single damn at all. 

You meet a group of nights and a priest on a mission across an rocking barren land , oh and zombies pop up. But they walk and walk and you tend to forget about them until boom everyone fucking dies . You dont care much about the characters but even the ones you may care a smidge about just die half way through and then the movie still goes on and on and on with “Spoiler” just the priest who I really did not care about.

Look how epic this shot is! How did this end up so boring? Hell take out the zombies and make the knights die of disease then make that set the gloomy pace.  Fuck that would have been way more interesting.  

On the dvd was a trailer for Outpost which aesthetically is similar to Knights of the Dead but that again mislead me. .. grumbles…

After watching I looked up the director and things started to make sense. It was directed by Mark Atkins who should be a fake name for bad movie making. He made so many Asylum rip off movies like Android Cop which felt like the star Micheal Jai White was told to purposly be less carismatic and cool then he naturally is. Mark Atkins also made 

P-51 Dragon Fighter which is one of the more disapointing I have ever watched. Marks movies get released on tv and played on tv because they use the small budget to make it look good but then save the money by having aboso fucking lutley nothing happen.  Why do the people with distrobution powers think this is ok? Probably cause they make a choice 5 minutes into walking a film then turn it off , then say something like “Looks like a movie ok we will buy it” “Or this looks odd so forget about it” … uuuurrrggghh so frustrating. I know I have said very little about Knight of the Dead and unlike some reviews I have seen that dare say “worst film ever”, I feel it;s only sin is of being boring and just dragging on. It again makes me remember my hate for P-51 Dragon Fighter. Its a movie of world war II fighter pilots versus dragons like had ok special effects. How do you make that boring? It feels like someone asked the director that and his answer was “hold my beer”. 

Evil Clutch (1988)

What an amazing poster for a movie not exactly that badass. Which may explain why Troma had been able to snag the distrobution rights. The movie is kinda cool though.

Called Il Bosco 1 (the foresst 1) in Italy (the films country of origin) adding the one to mock the trend of horror sequels. Its super odd that the movie does that as its not a comedy. Instead its a heavy homage to horror movies stereotypes and shots told in an usual beat with several aside sections , which is kind of like family guy so many it is a comedy and I just didnt get the joke. I mean the monsters do look wacky and there is a crotch but just becaise Troma sells this you need to remember this is an Italian ghost movie.

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Fun goopy make up and a weird nu wave rocker girl who is secretly or not so secretly a demon.. yet she laughs like a witch and has vampire fangs. She does kill a guy in the first minute by ripping his balls off, so kudos for her. I enjoyed the weird random characters like a goggle wearing old man that tells stories with a throat voice box.  

Also take a drink when someone says the word weird. 

It is legit weird but it takes a long time to get to the head ripping zombie monsters and hen they do show up they feel like something straight outta Spookies. .. oh shit maybe I should just watch Spookies.

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Picture above is not someone from the movie. 

Basic premiss of a young couple go on a trip to the country side out side of venice where they meet the early mentioned demon girl, but honestly everything they meet seems odd and creepy so they were fucked before they even went in the woods and the Sam Raimi shots start happening.

Also take a big drink when the main characters whistle a copy rightly vage version of Whistle while we work from Snow White. It’s extremely awkward.

There is some classic iltalian horror gore and moody music but it feels like it doesnt matter making it miss the punch it could have had. Imagine a more self aware Ghosthouse. Worth a watch but maybe be less sober than I.

Again beware the crotch monster.

So you could watch this euro spook show inside joke called Evil Clutch (not really a haunted purse) or you can listen to the song Evil by Clutch… or both…