Movie number 3 in the Bad movie summer PAIN A THON!
Titanic 2 from Asylum… of course it is… Written directed and staring a sleazy looking dude called Shane Van Dyke. Oh its a passion project. Nah just a lame Asylum movie. All the office and military scenes look exactly like every other asylum movie. However when you see Shane Van Dyke gets onto the Titanic 2 he is walking with 6 babes in his arms. All the girls have really dumb looking expressions because no one was directing them and they didn’t know what was going on, so dumb its funny. That’s when you feel this is Van Dykes passion project. He plays Hayden the rich developer of the Titanic 2 project and he is supposed to be a suave dirty bag, he plays it well. Bruce Davidson plays the military based coast guard wannabe that warns his daughter not to go on the new Titanic as he believe it was a rush job to make it in time for the anniversary of the first Titanic’s sinking. He thinks the ship is dangerous and now things start to feel like a not funny remake of Airplane now. People remember Bruce Davidson as the original Willard. I remember him as the guy in the Harry in the Hendersons tv series. SO after some awful science talk about why there will be an iceberg and it will go after the titanic number 2 you learn the only real actor in this is the iceberg in its terrible Asylum style cgi. You just want it to kill everyone like the surfer it kills in the opening scene.. yep an ice surfer. Is that a thing? Oh shit the scene where they are standing on the iceberg and it starts to crack all over looking like a terrible tim and eric skit. How is that not a joke? When they eventually get hit by the iceberg should I have laughed? There is a lot of mock and enjoy the hate in, like a scene where they try to avoid a loose wire in the water, i dare you to watch it to know what i mean. I promise you will tell this movie to fuck off more than once. Even the ending, which i will not spoil (assuming you are dumb enough to watch this) is homaging Cameron’s Titanic yet does not get the point of making a martyr and proving this was an ego maniacs movie. Titanic 2 is a titanic sized number 2. You know what I mean.. a turd! A TURDTANIC! ok ok Im done.
I got a good laugh out of this.. but it may be mental fatigue so please excuse me for a quick break as we did this type of marathon less than a year ago and I have learned to keep the food up, because its … Pizza time!